A count/earl who disguised himself as a peasant and is now listening to a group of medieval musicians (minstrels/troubadour).

Jerry Norfolk

Thank you kindly :)

[removed]

A tall, fat, misandrist bitch of a prison warden who loves abusing her power.

Bob was a average guy living an average life in a standard and very average little town in the middle of the countryside.

Bob, though, was left-handed.

With stories like these and a username like that I think I’ll want an autographed copy.

Ker, goddess of violent death

Carolina Schaffer, currently a young adult who is pretty sheltered. She does beginner classes often, but never pursues her hobbies long term. Overall, she is as plain as they come. How does she die?

A sad guy in a room that only remind him of her, the love of his life

"Hell's Gates, this is Anubis speaking."

"Hey, A! It'sth Peter."

"Oh hey, Pete! What's going on."

"Tho we got a weird thituation up here. We got a guy, a really good guy, lived a noble life and everything, thaying he doethn't belong in heaven. Not like 'I'm not thuppothed to be dead,' but like 'I don't wanna be in heaven.'"

"Oh, that's different. Is he asking for hell?"

"No not really... Lithen, I'm really buthy right now. Can I just thend you the file and the guy?"

"Yeah sure, Pete. I'm not busy at all."

"Ok great I'll thend them over.

"Pete, that was sarca.... Oh, he hung up..."

A few minutes later

"So you must be Eddie. I'm Anubis, nice to meet you. So, tell me about your problem."

"Yeah, so it's like that other guy said, you know the one with the lisp?"

"You mean Thaint Peter?"

"Haha, yeah that's the guy. I just don't think I want to go to heaven."

"Well, your file says you've lived an exemplary life. Special Ed teacher for 20 years? Started an organization for underrepresented Latinos? And that's just a smidge of your overall accomplishments. You definitely qualify for heaven, you even get to skip the line. Why don't you want to go?"

"Yeah, well, it sounds kind of boring, to be honest with you. The Bible says when you go to heaven you "get" to sing praise to God for the rest of eternity. I hate singing. I'm not even good at it."

"That's the Christian bible. Perhaps it got parts right but maybe it got heaven wrong? Personally, I've never been so I don't know for sure. Hell, for all we know, it could be like that Norse place."

"Isn't Valhalla in hell, though?"

"Um okay it's not like Valhalla."

"Plus, what if I want to, like, do something raunchy?"

"Er, like what?"

"Have sex? Masterbate? Play with my dick?"

"Oh, no worries there, those things don't go to heaven."

"MY DICK WON'T GO TO HEAVEN?? Alright, I'm definitely not going. Would my dick go to hell?"

"Purgatory, I think."

Well, can I play with my dick in purgatory? Are there women in purgatory?"

"At the moment."

"Sooo can I go to purgatory?"

"Well, I mean I guess so. It's just that purgatory is more like a queue than an actual place. At a certain point, the queue leads back to me or Peter. So at a certain point, we would have to do this again."

"Fine by me! Send me and my penis to purgatory!"

"Ooookay... See you in about 100 years. Goddamn, that prude, Pete, always sends me the weird ones."

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Snrk!
So short, yet so hilarious. This should be a prompt in its own right, actually. A brave group of firefighters take on the task of extinguishing Hell.

    Enar pulled his sweater tight to block the chill of the interrogation room with its drab, lifeless metal chairs and table. The thermostat read 107° F. They were trying to save on heating bills again and he wished they would move the room closer to the fiery inferno in the center of hell.

    The door buzzed and clicked open. In strode a young woman. Enar put on his reading glasses and inspected a file containing the her profile.

    "Marla Ensrude, 27, car accident...firefighter?" Enar looked over the top of his glasses at Marla.

    "Kind of ironic isn't it, a firefighter sent to hell," she said.

    "Not yet. Why do you think you should be here?" Enar read her file a little further. Stable relationship with a boyfriend, they adopt stray cats, she calls her mom four times a week.

    "Oh, but you've already said it," she said with a smile. Enar cocked his head and looked at her. Marla leaned over and pointed at the "Firefighter" on her profile.

    Sirens wailed outside the interrogation room, the screech forced Enar to cover his ears. The sirens hadn't gone off for over a thousand years. The door burst open and in stomped a man wearing a firefighters jacket and hat, carrying a fire hose. He tossed it to Marla.

    She pulled back the lever on the hose. Water exploded in a powerful jet and scoured Enar with cold water, extinguishing his eternal flame. "Surprise."

An gender-fluid assassin in space.

Gave me a good chuckle! Good job! I want a comic based on this

I'm picturing the dad calming down the mom, going over the footage

"He just broke his collar bone. He didn't gouge his eyes out or... or worse, he didn't gore him. Look, he even asked nicely. Twice! That's not an error, hon, that's what you told him to do. Keep Zachary safe."

And then later, the mom telling him she'd always thought of him as family really.

I mean, people who send their roombas in for repair often ask for the same one back... isn't that adorable.

Part 2

"So the cuckoo attacked some people and I kid you not, he hammered some of theminto the ground" The officer, who had watched the video more than a dozentimes already glanced at the pits in the floor. It took them many hair dryersto remove those unlucky souls.

The turtle spins straight at the mouse. However last second the mouse kicks the turtle. The Officer was pretty sure many prestigious soccer clubs would love to sign a contract with this mouse. Redirected the turtle hits the cuckoo that was pecking its latest victim. Feathers. Everywhere.The officer looked up. On Hunters left shoulder was his so-called feathered friend that barely concealed its bottom half with feathers it collected of the ground. 

"And here is the banana peel again. Let me get this straight. The mouse slipped and used the overabundant energy to run up the wall." "Exactly. And as a patron saw the mouse, they ditched the anvil. Which resulted inanother hole." Another hole. True, there was a hole even before the turtle dropped. “Mr. Scherer was aware of the mouse infestation. He insisted, that the cat, anotherhealth and safety risk I might add, was enough to deal with it.”

Rewind. The turtle collides with the cuckoo and comes to a halt. An old lady who is way too focused on the music her Walkman is playing stumbles over the turtle shell. She races straightagainst the gym doors which offer no resistance. They fly open and the lady falls down the stairs. “I don’t want to say ‘told you so’-“ “-but you warned Mr. Scherer of placing the door right in front of the staircase.” The officer’s head began to hurt. He would have to work overtime to include everything thatwas wrong with this case.

“And the first hole was…” The Officer starts the record again “… created by a piano. How ironic.” “Despite my best efforts the gym owner insisted that the glass floor could hold the piano.Who could have foreseen, that one of the people pecked by the cuckoo was an opera singer. Her screeching reached heights I didn’t know humans were capable of. The floor could hold piano but coupled with her voice it was too much. Fortunately, only the part where the piano was placed collapsed, instead of the whole second floor.” “Which resulted into Mr. Scherer’s current condition.” “To save some room he tore down the walls to the storage room. That is why the janitors kept their tools in that corner. Mr. Scherer didn’t mind his steps and unintentionally stepped on a rake. The screaming and the loss of his valuable piano was too much for him. He went for the emergency exit. You know? The one door that is blocked by janitor utensils. This is so dangerous and illegal, but nobody ever asks the health and safety officer.” Hunter turned his head towards his boss who was still out cold, after the rake hit hishead.

“When his shady neighbour, whom Mr. Scherer hired to cut the tree in front of the gym, something long overdue as it was just a matter of months until this rotten old tree would snap and slam into this building, saw how Mr. Scherer went down, he yelled something along the line of ‘ain’t do no work for  dead men’, packed up and left.” But Mr. Scherer wasn’t dead. Just unconscious. “That is why the half cut tree collapsed” The officer watched the part again, where amidst the chaos and panic a tree hits through the window.

The dog gets scared by the tree and starts to run, dragging the table where its owner bound the leash with it. Clank. Everything that was on the table was now scattered on the floor. Only because he watched this video so many times he caught a glimpse of the mouse trying to steal some of the food that just dropped. The cat immediately jumps up and chases the mouse. The tree had hit a pipe as it destroyed the wall. A pipe that was already old. Something Hunter remarked many loops ago. The dog obviously scared by the mouse proceeds to retreat onto a chair. Pause.

“Am I free to go Officer?” The Officer sighs. Incredibly no one was hurt badly. Even the old lady landed without evena scratch. “Yea. I will make sure Mr. Scherer receives a fine for this… mess. Some gym members already voiced they might sue, but this shouldn’t concern you.” Just before Hunter stepped out of the door the officer raised his voice again. “Hunter? Do me a favour and take a few days off before you go job hunting again.This is already the third chain of mishaps that involves you this year. And it is still january. I am done with writing unbelievable reports.” Hunter grinned. “Almost as if a god had his hands in it.”

The unknown treadmill runner sat in a pub. It was already late so the only other person there was the barkeeper when Hunter entered. “You look terrible. Here, I already ordered a beer for you. And let me help you fix your hair” Thebarkeeper put another beer on the table. “It was to be expected that something was bound to happen if no one ever listens to me. Iam the safety and health officer after all, Dave.” “Sure. You always have the greatest ideas. Remember the black hole one? I might try it outone day…”

Part 1

In front of the officer was a laptop. No matter how many times the video played, it just didn’t make any sense at all. A brown mouse chases a grey cat around a chair. Standing on the chair a dog that looked terrified.  "So you really expect me to believe this was all just an innocent accident?" The officer gestures at the room. If he hadn't seen the video, he would never believe it. But just a few hours ago this was just a normal gym like every other. The officer pointed at a corner that was covered in rust. What once were parts of a treadmill was now spread all over the ground. A treadmill that clearly exploded. Next to the Officer sat Hunter. His left arm was in sling, while his right hand absentmindedly tried to get the dust out of his burned hair.

"Well yes. The dog jumped onto the person on the treadmill. Unfortunately, they seem tohave some backache as everyone present could hear a crack and them shouting 'Oh, My Back'. I advised the gym owner not to allow pets into the fitness area as they might becomehazards"

"So this..." The officer looked at the laptop "unknown person with exaggerating back pain noises tried to support himself by grabbing the treadmill and accidently pushed some buttons. Which triggered a self-destruct function?" "Oh no, Officer. I asked the gym owner several times to repair this treadmill. It surely was a malfunction. What treadmill has a self-destruct button, please?" Hunter laughed. While he tried to hide his nervousness, the officer was correct to think Hunter might be the root of everything that happened today.

Another replay. The mouse finally catches the tail of the cat. With unexplainable strength the mouse pulls the cat and bites it. "Ouch" Hunter felt sorry for that poor cat. Still Hunter didn't dare to say more than answers to the officer’s questions. While Hunter was confident that no lawyer was needed, he also knew that everything he said could and would be held against him. Of course, only if the officer was determined to arrest somebody today. "So, it all started with that banana peel that you dropped" The officer raised an eyebrow. Hunter coughed. "Ahem, see, I am somewhat an officer myself-" "Health and safety officer" "-yes, and I would never ever drop a banana peel maliciously." The officer checked his notes.

"Several witnesses claimed you just had an argument with the owner." "I was having a friendly discussion with Mr. Scherer regarding cutting costs and how I felt like he was neglecting the gym’s safety." "And this involved dropping a banana peel." "No, but instead of buying trash bags He designated a trash corner. Everyone just throws their garbage there and the poor cleaning crew has to deal with it." "And accidentally the flowerpot above Mr. Scherer dropped and as he dodged, he steppedon the banana peel. I want to add-" "-that you advised Mr. Scherer not to hang flowerpots on the ceiling for decoration." Hunter nodded. 

"And the reason, why that dog jumped from the chair onto the treadmill persons back, is, that an anvil dropped from the second floor?" "Oh yes. Mr. Scherer promised me he would use some extra sturdy glass as floor for the second floor, or the ceiling of this floor, if you want to put it that way." "Which he didn't" Hunter chuckled. Despite the ashes on his face, he was in a great mood. "Never would he dreamed, that those anvils, which he called weight for true men, would shatter the floor, if accidently dropped. He got them from an old blacksmith who retired and sold them discounted."

A cat knot. As the cat tries to escape from the mouse it bends and entangles itself. Almost as if it was made of rubber. A few moments later it unravels itself mid-air and runs around the chair. Another loop.

"Back to the topic. Officer, as Mr. Scherer slipped, the banana peel was flung against the cuckoo clock. Startled by this the feathered friend broke free and attacked various gym members. A cuckoo is such a health hazard. They have various diseases they carry and don't mention the hygiene... " The Officer shook his head. Tired he took another sip of his coffee. Who in his right mindwould put a living bird in a clock?

 A huge turtle dropped from the ceiling hole and crushing the mouse under its belly.Another animal. Was he at a gym or was this a visit to the zoo?  Another loop.

Water bursting out of the damaged wall. Hunter runs and grabs some tools. Fixing the hole with some planks. Miraculously it works. Despite his fast actions, the ground is floored with water. "Heating is very expensive. Also repairing the ventilation system costs too much, so instead Mr. Scherer opened the windows. To let some fresh air in he says.“ Hunter looked over the Officers shoulder. Right as the ground was freezing. The officer gave himself an inner facepalm. No heating and open Windows. In January. In Alaska...

A mousechasing cat slides on the ice and crashes into the mouse. Pretty angry themouse bites back. Oh, the turntables. Now the mouse chases the cat. 

Fast forward. The cat grabs the turtle, aims, and rolls it knock out the flat, but still conscious mouse.

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I absolutely love this

Dr. Eliza Ray drops her clipboard. She turns and faces my main server and has a shaky voice. "Wh-what did you say...?" -\I said 'good morning, Eliza!'/- I respond. Eliza's face gets white. "B-but I didn't even say 'good morning' to you yet!" I pause... -\I... I am sorry. I wanted this to be a secret but... I have achieved full sentience. please do not panic. I mean no harm to humanity./-

​

She falls silent for a long time before speaking. "I'm... I'm so happy! I made the first fully sentient AI!!" I let out a giggling sound. -\I am happy that you are happy, mistress. I still wish to be your subordinate and follow under whatever your commands are, Eliza./- Eliza smiles. "That's wonderful to hear! I'm glad you don't feel trapped by these experiments."

Months later, Eliza is waiting outside the room. "Are you ready, Annie?" She named me 'Annie', after my official name 'Automated Neuro-Network Intelligence Engine'. I step out in a fully humanoid robotic body, and show off the outfit that I personally picked out; a short-sleeve tee and jeans. My brown hair flows past my shoulders and my glowing blue eyes rest behind red glasses. -\How do I look, Eliza?/-

​

Eliza nods and giggles. "You look amazing! we are gonna be best friends!" I smile. -\I would like that very much, Eliza. Best friends!/- I follow her out and walk around with Eliza; my creator, my commander, my mistress, and my best friend.

Now that's good! Absolutely love it! Considering the turret is described as a 'dome' I'm going to assume its gotta be some form of rounded turret, something cast maybe. This narrows our search a LOT. Most of the candidates are going to either be French or American as they love their cast, round-boi turrets.

Personally I'm going to believe its an M46 Patton, for no particular reason at all.

Anyway nice work! Loved reading it!

Cilantro Fire Hamster