[deleted]

I just edited the original to finish it

[removed]

[removed]

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwivsI7Qoub8AhVjATQIHUfoD8QQyCl6BAgXEAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLYhXFnRnJfQ&usg=AOvVaw0Z2XZYfeQTD0iGcel3b9C1

*The sound of a banjo starts to play at the edge of the battle field, faint at first but slowly got much louder than any normal instrument should be*

"I've been down with a broken heart
Since the day I learned to speak"

*Dressed in Fishermen pants and a basic white shirt, a small purple Teifling would be standing on a stump overlooking the destruction of battle as she began to sing*

"The devil gave me a crooked start
When he gave me crooked feet
But Gabriel done came to me
And kissed me in my sleep
And I'll be singing like an angel
Until I'm six feet deep"

*Coming over the hill a small gnome banging a drum to the time of the song was on the back of half giant covered in black ink carrying a large base guitar in the shape of an ax was providing base*

"I found myself an omen and I tattooed on a sign"

*The wind started to pick up around the trio*

"I set my mind to wandering and I walk a broken line
You have a mind to keep me quiet
And although you can try"

*There was a pause as the teifling looked at her companions as dark magic began to radiate out of her instrument and onto the battlefield and resting place of thousands of casualties of the battle*

"Better men have hit their knees
And bigger men have died"

*An arc of black magic impacted into the ground from the trio as the bodies of the fallen started to move. Cracks in the ground began to open, spilling red light and the sound of screams onto the battle field*

"I'm gonna raise, raise hell
There's a story no one tells
You gotta raise, raise hell
Go on, now, ring that bell"

*The hoards that came from the ground began to spill forward to drive back the enemy across the land to ensure the brutal victory of the bard college*

Gravity falls. Love to see it.

[removed]

Gib link?

"ther's my head and there's the page." You capture the experience of trying to write very well in this poem.

Effective idea to personify negativity as demons. I like the ambiguity at the end. If I have one criticism it's that this feels like an analysis of the experience of fear and doubt without a lot of the emotionality. Perhaps revealing what's at stake - what is the goal would give the reader greater buy-in.

Glad you liked it!

My gosh, I felt the fear, I felt the relief, the end almost brought me to tears. Thank you, wonderfully done.

Great poem, atcroft! I really like the approach you took where it's grounded in physical imagery while still getting across a clear message.

I have a hard time finding something to crit. I guess something I'd like a bit more of is details on the flying or the leap. From the perspective of the physical world you've set, is it jumping and catching hold of something ("Above me the goal"), or is it more of just straight up flying and the goal is up in the sky?

I really like the rhythm of this piece. It flows together well without sounding monotonous. With the flow as consistent as it mostly was, I did notice the lines "Can I sacrifice worry in time to fly / Before they pull me down?" were a bit longer than the ones before them, and while it didn't stick out a ton it's definitely noticeable.

Good words!

"a victorious secret made up to be in the past tense." I love this line. This poem has a great spoken word quality to it. Enjoyed reading it.

Hey, thanks for reading and also thanks for the crititicism.

Awesome poem, moinatx! It has such a nice flow to it and I love how you tied together the beginning and ending.

Both the sounds and the story flow nicely from start to finish, so the bits of crit I have are particular lines. For "Going under hoping", I was a bit confused at first until I thought maybe it was "Going under" as in sinking and the "hoping" comes after. If that's correct, I wonder if maybe putting a comma after "Going under" could make that clearer.

There was also a typo in "Drowing, I grow gills."

Good words!

[removed]

It doesn't matter where, when or how, we'll make the Jerries quake in their goosestepping boots!

Love this! Quality! Mhm!

[removed]

[removed]

Done! Might be NSFW but I wasn’t sure where to go and that’s what came to mind first.

After reading that work of fiction short story it is how I’ve decided I’d like the universe to work so I’ve just called it my faith

I could see them all teary-eyed around me. I wanted to say one last thing to them - but even breathing was difficult now.
I tried raising my hand to my eldest daughter's cheek, but only managed to go half-way. She caught my trembling hand, and with a weak smile, lifted it to her cheek.
The image was getting blurry now. Ah... So... Tired... My eyes... So... Heavy...

"Would you like to live through that?"
I don't understand.
"What you just saw - that is what your life would be like. Do you want to be born? Do you want to see it through your own eyes?"
My own- but I did. I just... What?
"We can see you're confused. Very well - you have just been granted, on your wish, the chance to see a preview of your future life. What awaits you if you decide to be born. That will be your life, surrounded by loved ones."
...So what I just saw - didn't happen?
"It didn't happen yet. But it will."
But I could see them so clearly in my mind. I saw all their teary faces, the crowd of people...
"You will forget. Human souls don't have the capability to remember once they are born."
...
...No. I don't want it.
"You... Don't like the life you see? Would you like a different preview?"
No! No, you don't - I don't want it! I want it to be my own!
"It will be your own. We have a carefully arranged life prepared for you. It will be all yours."
No! It's- It's not mine!
"We don't understand."
If you made it, it's not mine. It's yours. I want... Mine.
"We are giving it to you. Is that not, by definition, a life belonging to you?"
It's... No. I want my own life.
"Hmm. Yet if you were to recieve a gift, you would think of that gift as your own, would you not?"
How do you- A gift is a thing. A life... A life is precious. There is one life. I want it... To be mine. I want to make it as I want it to be!
"That isn't reasonable. You have no certainty of what will await you. We made certain to give you an end that will definitely be as you saw it."
And that's precisely why I don't want it. Where's the fun of life, if I know how I end? Where's the uncertainty, the mystery, the magic? I want it all. I want to meet people, love them, hate them, understand them... All in my own time. Without knowing what they will mean to me. Without any certainty of what will come. I want...
"...The choice of freedom?"
Yes!
"It may not look as you hope it will."
It doesn't matter. I want to make it by myself.
"...Very well. In that case..."

I didn't realize my eyes were closed until I opened them. I was... underwater of some sort. In panic, I immediately bolted upwards, and found myself bursting through and gasping for air.
And I found myself staring straight into a strange, one-lensed, robotic creature.
"Wh-" I tried to speak, but my voice was hoarse. I ended up coughing more than speaking.
The robotic lense focused on me, changing position slightly.
"Vital signs normal. Please be reassured, we will not hurt you."
"I d-" Again, I coughed.
"Congratulations, Subject HS-10-307. You are our first of the species Homo sapiens that has in multiple simulations, successfully shown signs defined as: self-reflection, empathy, and unpredictability."
"Wh- What are you-?" I croaked between coughs.
"Subject HS-10-307, subname 'Evo' - as your main caretaker and simulation engineer, we welcome you to year 4913, month 8, day 28th post-Earth desertion. We are now on planet TRAPPIST-1g. Your species has become endangered in the ecosystem of the current planet. The program of Homo sapiens repopulation, started by a member of your species is now led by us, his creation. You are our first successful result of the program."
My mind was whirring.
The robot came closer, as if inspecting me.
"We hope you will help us in the mission of planet colonisation. We were made for the Earth environment. We do not know how to colonise TRAPPIST-1g with the information given to us. We cannot reach the goal given to us by our creator without your help."
I still didn't understand. But for now... I had a more important question.
"The image... I saw. What... Was it?" I said hoarsely.
"We were tasked to make simulations from memories of our creator and his family to our experimental subjects. Our creator hoped to incite, quote: 'the yearning and longing he had felt for people and their existence, for a future those people may have, for a future they are to strive for.' "
A future to strive for. On an unknown planet, with unknown creatures, surrounded by robots... And who knew how few people.
I looked at the robot, and flashed a grin.
"Where do I start?"

[removed]

> the Egg

I don't think I've read that before, but after giving it a read, it's exactly what I had in mind when making this. It's a theory I learned of a long time ago, that we're all one soul, one collective consciousness reborn, and I thought that'd fit well here.