Hey Duke,

I think you've done a wonderful job here with the speech format of storytelling. Whilst the only dialogue was from Jonathan, you do a good job of showing the crowd's reaction.

> he added to a few laughs from the students.

A nice detail to add. I also liked how you used the few dialogue tags that are there to really characterise how the teacher spoke. What he was doing and so on.

I do just have a few bits and bibs for you though,

> Looks of confusion scattered around the economics lecture hall at Saint Stephen's. "Macro" and "Micro" fit the class,

First: The first bit of this line reads a bit strange to me. I feel like "were shared" may work better over "scattered"? It just feels like the sentence is incomplete, but that could just be me.

Second: using quotation marks ('') rather than speech marks ("") for ""Macro" and "Micro"" may be better. I just say this because you have speech in this piece, so it can be confusing if these two words are actually spoken, or just quoted.

> You have spent this year learning a cold, mechanical, macro view.

And finally, I think telling us that this is the end of the year a bit earlier could help. I assumed that this was a start-of-year speech by the teacher. 'You're about to learn so and so, but always remember this' kind of thing.

It could help if you referenced how far the students were into the course a little earlier.

But as for all of these things, it could just be preference stuff, so feel free to use or not use it.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Tom,

I really liked some of the lines in here.

> how grief is a flood of love persevering

Such an excellent way of describing grief and what it actually represents.

> we walk from class with a cloud of dragonflies lifting our feet > Our notebook and our heart > filled up a little bit more.

And of course, there's the bit that you ended the piece so well with.

I do have a few bits and bobs for you,

Just one, really.

And that is about the format. A few times it felt like the linebreaks simply broke up an otherwise complete sentence. It just made it a little harder to read.

> The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest > in all the details of daily life.

Here for instance. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not sure why you have so many linebreaks. Though that absolutely could just be me.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Three all nighters and a can of RedBull had brought him to a conclusion.

He had examined the entire species and all its reported flaws. That was the first day and night. During the second he had diven deeper into these flaws and found that they were invented by imbeciles. He couldn’t say that though - they were God’s children after all - so during the third night, he got out a dictionary.

Some purple prose, worthless words, lengthy lines later, he had finally written his statement. This was the pile of crap he was about to confront God with. This was the pile of purple prose he hoped to convince him of.

They can’t be improved. God, you made them, so that’s why they’re already perfect. In the mirror of the smelly waiting room bathroom, he had been practicing his speech, practicing what he was about to say before handing over his paper. He put on a decent amount of lip balm as well, as he was about to kiss some ass in order to save his own. God didn’t like those with a different opinion. He fired them from their internship and then sent them through Hell’s fire as well. Unpleasant. He put on some more lip balm before exiting the bathroom.

“Sir?”

“Ah, yes son. What did you come up with, huh?”

God put on his glasses -yes, even He can’t see shit sometimes- and gently, but firmly grabbed his statement out of his palms. The intern muttered some of his well prepared words but to no effect: God was reading, not listening. No, God can’t multitask.

He read slowly, with an almost painful tempo. The intern started falling asleep but was shaken awake by God’s sudden Mmmmmmmm… yup, yup yup yup.

“So what do you think, sir?”

“I think your opinion is garbage and you should just die.”

I should have put some lip balm on the paper as well, the intern thought. He didn’t know what to say, so didn’t talk.

“Kidding!”

The intern forced a laugh, louder and louder until God slapped him. Softly, but still: he slapped him.

“It’s still really bad though, but no need for death.”

“So what do you suggest?” said the intern.

God seemed to hesitate for a moment.

“I propose you,” he pointed at and eventually touched the interns forehead, “go fucking die! HAHHAHA”

His joke fell flat, as if it came crashing down from heaven onto your plate.

“Your joke fell flat” it just came out of his mouth. He laughed to disguise his fear.

God didn’t.

God grabbed the intern by his collar and threw him out. He came crashing down from heaven, onto some medieval person’s plate.

The medieval person stormed away. “I have too much on my plate!”, he said, giving birth to the famous saying.

This is its origin story.

Hey Tubman,

Hey now, I wasn't prepared for this! You can't spring a masterpiece like this on us right when we least expect it. The feelings, dude. Think about the feelings.

But okay, seriously now. I really loved the perspective of this story. Like you're talking to the reader here. I loved the metaphor of the book. And how you've managed to include both the briefness of life, yet the sheer beauty of it too.

And of course, I really loved the delivery story too.

The only bit of crit I do have is in regards to making a certain detail more believable. But if this is a true story, that doesn't really matter.

Good Words!

God was standing there. I walked up to the giant figure, his body glowing alight. "My Lord", I said, "I have a new proposal for dogs." "Let me hear it", He said. "Alright, I believe that dogs should be able to transform into people temporarily. This is simple, I know, but it will benefit the human race." He stared at me. "This is all?" "Yes", I said.

"Do you understand that people would use dogs for...sexual antics?", He asked. "Humans can be irresponsible", He said, sternly. "I do, sir."

He made a face to show that he was pondering. He then replied, "I accept. From this day forth, dogs will have this ability. Good work." My face lit up. "Thank you, sir."

Hey Xack,

Heck, you do such an amazing job with descriptions here. The pictures you paint are so amazing.

> It was like holding the perfection of imperfection a thousand times over, every grain astounding in it's own right.

The side-by-side use of "perfect of imperfections" was really great touch. And similarly, the repetition of "wonder" so close together near the end is just so awesome.

I also liked the cosmic irony you pointed out further down. Out of every star/planet/moon and celestial body in the universe, the earth is the only place that has this kind of sand. And even then, humans don't have the capability to admire its beauty. Very well done.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> every grain astounding in it's own right.

A simple grammar error here I think. "its" over "it's".

> Byra had seen many marvelous things on her first trip to earth.

I don't think you need this line here. By the end of the story, I get the feeling that Byra is rather new to Earth and sand is the first big thing that really captured her attention. Near the end, she imagines what else she could find on the planet after more exploration.

So the line above kind of contradicts that a little. Or at least makes me want to know what else she's seen.

> lifting her head to star at the earth-bound sky,

I think you want "stare" over "star" here.

> might break way her when the next sun rises.

I'm not too sure what this line is meant to be. But unless I'm completely missing the meaning, I think it needs to be reworded?

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

"It's been said that the true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life. I can assure you, class, that this statement is both true and false. It all depends on whether you view life as macro or micro; and that distinction will be the game-changer that will determine if you are healthy or twisted."

Looks of confusion scattered around the economics lecture hall at Saint Stephen's. "Macro" and "Micro" fit the class, but nothing else did. Father Jonathan noticed them, held up a finger of patience, and continued.

"On the balance," he began, "the macro world sees life as a pursuit. Things like money and power are their own reward. The only limit is supply. To a man obsessed with only earthly things, there is no endgame, no diminishing returns. There is only more.

"Very often, this leads to the macro level being polluted by horrible individuals, those who see only themselves as the person to satisfy. To them, the misery of others is a trivium of daily life. Morals and rules are fungible. A simple kind act that only God sees is a waste of time.

"Economics is the 'dismal science' for a reason," he added to a few laughs from the students.

"You have spent this year learning a cold, mechanical, macro view. It will make you successful, but it will make you depressed and decrepit. Jesus said there are those who care only about the world. You are called to be more. You are called to improve the world, and to do so with a single-minded gusto of a whirling dervish. But to make the world better, you must make your world better, through love and happiness." He paused.

"Of course, this requires you to know your world. It's not the world. Leave that for the leaders. Social media would leave you overwhelmed. Your world is that which you interact with, and those details of daily life are your life. Show them love, as God has shown you love, and happiness follows.

"Understanding this is the key," Jonathan added as he turned around to face the class, now fully paying attention. "You will slip, you will fail on occasion, but never stop being kind to those who are your details!

"And when you let your hearts be ravenous for joy and for spreading joy through kindness, then all I've taught you about money gets a proper perspective. This learning is a tool for providing more to those who need it. Never forget your main goal from God: to love everything in your life. Even the details.

"Life is not zero-sum," he concluded. "Make your world better, and you make the world better. Deus vult... God wills it, and you deserve it.

"Let me thank you for taking my course this year. You give me happiness. Class dismissed."

[word count 479]

Thanks so much, Fye! Appreciate the kind words and great insights :)

Hey Kat,

If there's ever been a story with a more satisfying ending, please send it my way. Because I don't think it exists.

There are so many things I loved about this. The focus on her accent and the way you displayed it in her speech was a really nice touch. I also really liked the entire set-up itself and how you tied the quote so well into the story.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Twirling a curl pensively as if the thought alone was too much effort, Sally inquired.

I think switching this to being a comment by Edwin could help the narrative. Here you're telling us that she looks...dumb. And whilst it hints at the ending where we learn that it's all an act, I feel like it could help build Edwin's character if he made the observation that Sally looked like she was confused. I hope that makes sense.

> Let me put it simple-like for a woman’s tiny brain.

And here, the comment "a woman's tiny brain" snagged me a bit. It just read a bit too comically and it didn't really fit Edwin's 'sophisticated' manner if that makes sense. I think something like "a woman's simple brain" may work better maybe?

These are small nitpicks though and absolutely just my opinion, so feel absolutely free to ignore them. You just write too well for me to find anything else.

I hope this helps.

Good Words

So, chosen Servant. Show your Creator your Creation.

Speaking to the Lord never gets less nerveraking

If I wanted you GONE you would already be.

Light manifested behind me as it formed into the design of the greatest gift of nature to mankind.

But better

The black, grey, and white coat of a Malamute, the face and eyes of a Siberian Husky. Dense and luxurious and smooth as silk was its fur, now fluffier than ever. With the temperament of a Golden Retriever and the size of a small grizzly bear, it immediately laid on its back and began napping.

This is a worthy improvement. Truly, Thou didst perform well. Thou has granted me great joy in mine heart this day.

"T-t-thank You, Almighty Lord!"

Immense power began surrounding me as Soulflame of azure, violet, verdant, crimson, and more variety than I can imagine manifested into a tornado-esque form.

Before entering my form.

Eight new wings, of Soulflame, of violet, azure, white, verdant, gold, crimson, silver, and black.

The halo upon my head did morph as well, as it's simple yellow light roared with Soulflame, transcending into gold as did my entire form. As the Light calmed, the halo shined pure white, with the colors of the rainbow emanating around it.

I was now tall enough to gaze into another layer of Heaven.

HAIL the new crowned Archangel <Username>

Hey seven,

Haha, darn whacky engineers. Always ignoring their assignments in favour of designing far too expensive flagships in the shape of sea leviathans.

But anyway, I loved the sheer amount of description and tension you managed to add here in such few words.

> Fins flashed and serpents snarled, and Tinker escaped their ravenous jaws only by the hairs on the tip of his tail. As he flapped back to the dirigible, braying accusations at his master,

The description of the contraption as well as the sea dragons themselves was really good. And I liked the bit of humour with the donkey there at the end.

I just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> A fin here, a wing there, an arch of precisely this degree, a lever, a hinge, a length of rope, and a whole lot of paint and silver and gold.

I think adding a period rather than a comma after "degree" could make the story read a bit better. It's a fairly long sentence. Also, at this point, we don't know what Dedalus has planned. I assumed he was just sketching the shape and look of these animals, not trying to model a ship after them. So adding a period here could do well to highlight the "lever" and "hinge" and such. Things that don't really make sense until you get to the end of the story. But that's just a small thought.

> The king, bemused by the spectacle of an exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic engineer, stroked his beard in contemplation.

One small issue here, this line makes it seem like the king doesn't know who Dedalus is specifically. He knows Dedalus is an engineer, but that's about it. It fit at first, as I initially assumed Dedalus was some random rogue engineer who had just burst into the king's throne room with his passion project. But in the end, we learn that the king actually specifically instructed him earlier. I hope this makes sense.

"...an exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic Dedalus..." could work better, maybe.

> Dedalus remembered the foreign port he'd floated out to see.

This line didn't make much sense to me. Did he float by the port? Or was that the port he went to? Just a bit confused with the wording.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Poetry,

I guess it's a given but I love the poetic language here. The idea of one person thriving at the expense of another is done so well here. And I really like how you exaggerate that to the point of one person living at the expense of another's life. You've done that really well there at the start.

I also like the growth and change you show throughout this poem. How this person goes from incredulous at the idea of sacrificing for someone else to acceptance.

I just have a few bits and bobs for you,

A brief couple, really.

> For a bout of my sadness is low price for your smile to be preserved.

Incredibly tiny nitpick but I think you want an "a" before "low".

Second, I do wonder how this poem would look and read if it were sorted into stanzas. It reads great right now as one block, but maybe stanzas could help?

> But I love you so dearly that I know its only right to let you prosper,

A new stanza after this line could fit the change of mood and theme. Though that's a small suggestion, so feel free to ignore.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Hey Astro,

I really liked how you captured John's predicament here. His main issue with his life.

> His recovery would capture their hearts. Minor setbacks would be large obstacles, and small victories would be grand triumphs.

Lines like these were excellent. It shows how his life is so boring now, that even a minor step forward or back could be a momentous occasion for him.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Everyone would cry and support with him.

I think you just have a start "with" here that you don't need.

> Until he sat next to that old woman on the bus.

Here, I think it would work better if this line were on its own paragraph. showing the transition from talking about John's past and childhood to now his present and the bus ride.

> John smiled as emotions stirred with him.

I think you just want a "within" rather than "with" here.

> Would you said you're the same way?" she asked.

And finally, just a "say" here instead of "said".

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

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It's pronounced Wizzleton, motherfucker!

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Thanks, appreciate the feedback.

I liked it. Believe me actually posting is like half the battle.

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First time replying, be gentle :)

"Another anomoly." I said, the sight confirming my suspicion. Javier died only a few hours ago, they were coming faster. As far as I knew, there were only 6 humans left. We'd barely gotten the old man in the ground when the first shift hit us. In the distance, what used to be Mount Hood was floating almost a mile in the air, molten lava streaming from is ripped out base. The stars behind were winking in and out of existence, like guttering flames.

The worst part was the creatures. I'd seen wolves before, but the ones that killed Kevin were... distorted. Some had tentacles for legs, others more eyes than I'd ever seen on any creature. They were almost biblical. I'd thought I was going crazy, but when Jahee died, it brought us to 10, and that's when shit started going crazy.

"C'mon, we need to get back to camp." Claire said, pulling on my shirt. Being 10 in the Apocalypse made the poor girl hard, but cautious. I followed along, keeping watch. At the edge of my vision, I could see the monoliths floating over a sea of nothingness, like the world just ended where I couldn't see it anymore.

Coming back to camp made the world seem a little more solid, my footing feeling more natural. Leaves crunched under my boots, a sound that jarred me out of my thoughts. They didn't do that about a mile or so of camp. Then it dawned on me.

"Consensual Reality" is possibly my favorite concept out of Mage: the Ascension.