is everything okay at home

Hey Ry

I got through three-quarters of the story, thoroughly enjoying every bit of it and forgot who the writer was...

> “Zammy! I thought we had an agreement, no breaking my windows.

Of course.

I loved this, the exaggerated sheer survival Ernest had to go through to get to his sister contrasted so well with the relaxed life of Maureen. Wonderful job, haha.

I also really liked how you brought the opening quote back into the story at the end there. It fits quite well.

I just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> Maureen was… a bit of a schnicklefritz. Not dumb by any means. Maureen just… floated through life, always assuming things would work out for her.

I'm not too sure here but if this is a quote, should it be italicised or in quotation marks maybe? If it isn't a quote through then there's no issue.

> ‘Zammy’ shambled his way out the way he came,

Just a bit of repetition of "way" here I think.

> “I sorry. I’ve got this quota from my boss–which is what I call the zombie parasite within me–I’ve gotta infect five humans a day or he will not be happy with me.”

This just felt a bit expositiony, especially the bit about how his boss is actually the parasite that controls him. I see the humour you were going for, but it did snag me a bit. Especially because Maureen has apparently dealt with this zombie before. So wouldn't the zombie have already told her about his daily requirements? But that could absolutely just be me.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

grove street 4 life

"Is this a prank, Leonhart?" I asked, after hearing the story that pathetic kid hero, Leonhart, had told me by the phone.

"No... please... I need help" Leonhart was blubbering. He was cold, hungry and desperate. I knew that feeling oh too well... I'm not exactly the kind of guy who went into villainy out of psychopathy after all.

"Why me?" I asked. "You have a league, right?"

"They... their base is on space, the pods only go up and down by day, I just need a place to stay tonight and then I'll go away..." Leonhart says.

"Why me?" I ask again. But it's for another reason. "I torture your friends and league partners with mind rape on a weekly basis just because they get in my way. Why would you ever trust me?"

"I don't know... ever since we met, I felt like... you looked like a grandpa. I miss mine. He was a good man. After he died, I was left with them. And now they kicked me out"

Ouch. I became a mafia boss, but I was unusually nice, I only did lesser crimes and made sure to only harm the guilty. It was after I lost my wife and my infant son that I grew colder and into the terrain of supervillainy, with genetic experiments and illegal mutations on the guys on my payroll. I had the wish everyone has of being a parent and then a grandparent taken away from me by some rival mafia, and now this hero kid who should hate my guts confesses that he's calling me after his world crumbled around him because he sees me as grandpa material. I grip my phone and mutter.

"I'm geolocalizing you. A black car will arrive soon after. You'll stay with me, but you have to leave the League" I say. The kid goes silent. "Relax, I won't force you to dabble into my illegal businesses. You'll just quit being a superhero and turn into a regular kid that just happens to have powers"

"Why?" The kid asked.

"How do you expect to save a world that won't even give you the time of day?" I ask, knowing damn too well that this was the question I gave myself when I lost Dalia and Ken.

"Because that way I'll make a world that welcomes everyone with open arms" The kid says.

Damn. That almost makes me not want to pick him up.

Almost.

Perhaps I'm just a bit raw because of the "grandpa" comment.

Hey Rev,

Well, this was just delightful in a horrifying kind of way. Kind of impressive actually.

> The peppermint sticks, Burt was dismayed to find, were so coated in dust that they looked pink and grey.

Like, why? Just why? I loved this description here but not so much the mental image it gave me. These are all great things but the way. I loved the portrayal of Burt here, his suspiciousness, his careful manoeuvring and then his reaction at eh end.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> Burt stood by the grimy soda fountain, which rained rust on him if he brushed it,

The last bit of this sentence read a bit weird to me. I feel like just saying it was a rusty fountain may read better? But that might just be me.

> He pulled out a shirttail and gave them a swipe, removing at least a year or two of dust, and set them on the counter.

I think mentioning the colour change could help here. What was the colour with the dust on and how did it change after the wipe? Something like that could help.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Yes

As far as? Character as a whole, voice actor?

What's your stance on BTAS Harley Quinn?

Dude, this character IS that cool. I fkn loved it!

I wish I could write a character that cool. BTAS Joker is Top Shelf, baby.

Personally, my inner voice was the Joker from the animated series.

Hey Ginger,

I really liked the emotion here, and the way that you showed it.

> Jasmine pursed her lips to smother her chuckles as the pain continued to rise. It lapped the edges of her heart.

I loved this, and the continuation of the personification throughout the piece too. It did a really great job of showing how her sorrow and pain built up.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> She stood between two police officers, one of them clutching her backpack. And before her stood Sergeant Geraldine Scott.

Just "stood" twice kind of close together here. Nothing major really.

> “This is the seventh government building you’ve vandalized,”

Here I think more information could help. Was this an ongoing issue where she had vandalised property over weeks/months? Or is this all in one go?

Similarly, what about the sister? When did she pass? How old was she? I only ask because it's a little difficult to deduce if this is a pain Jasmine has been going through for a while now, or if it's something new and recent.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Beautiful, this is my kind of villain

The villain just making some better parents for the hero.

Same!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thanks so much for your insights, Drewbit! Two great author references. And your point about leveraging experiences to write about love is so true. But just as true as you say is that unrequited love is a tough and painful one

[removed]

Two authors come to mind when I think about unrequited love in literature. One, of course, is Hemingway. The other is William S. Maugham, especially in Of Human Bondage. Unrequited love is a major element of the protagonist's character development.

It's readily apparent that both of these guys experienced their share of unrequited love in life. I think - without that personal experience - writing about anything related to love is less poignant and not as believable.

That said, if you've never experienced unrequited love, it's worth missing out on. It's not a requirement for eventually finding a person who loves you back.

Amazing

Those poor pugs :(

It’s nearly two in the morning when my phone rings. I frown, it’s set to do not disturb. The only calls that could come through must be emergencies. I’ve been up all night working on my latest weapon, I am NOT in the mood to speak to anyone, but for some reason I answer the phone regardless. “What.” I hiss, clearly displeased that I’ve been disturbed. What I hear next though, is a surprise.

“H-hi, I’m so sorry for this, I just… I just need someone right now. Um, you’re Cobra, right?” Almost every other word is interrupted with a sniffle or small cry.

“Yes… I’d assume you’d know that if you have this number. Who am I speaking to that’s calling me at this hour, crying?”

“Um, it’s Pristine. I um, I know we’ve never fought before, and I got your number through someone else, so you’re kinda my only chance right now. I’m so sorry, I just- I don’t have anyone else to ask. My parents kicked me out and killed my dog, I need somewhere to go. Can I stay with you? I promise I won’t interrupt any of your stuff or bother you or try to fight you- I promise! I just… I don’t want to be on the streets.”

Pristine, a new hero from what I remember. Young, bold, cocky. She always had some sort of one liner or witty remark, a trademark of young and hubristic heroes. But here she’s completely different. She’s meek and quiet, quite literally begging me to take her in. It catches me so off guard I’m silent for a second. “You… you’re asking me to let you stay with me?”

“I am.” She confirms. “There’s no one else I can turn to, it’s just you. I understand why you wouldn’t, but- but- I’m so lost right now, I don’t have any other options. Am I repeating myself? I’m sorry.” She babbles apologies for a little longer before I cut her off.

“Where are you? I’ll come and get you. We’ll set some ground rules when you’re safe with a roof over your head. Hang tight, alright? Just don’t… don’t do anything stupid.” I fight to quell the rage burning in me. She’s just a child, all things considered. A child who’s pet was murdered and who was kicked out of her home, the place she’s supposed to be safest. It’s dangerous on the streets, no place for someone like her, even with her powers. I track her location from the call and set off, making a note to pay a visit to her parents. Who knows, maybe I’ll wind up with a sidekick?

Well, I know what I'm doing today...

Edit: ElevenLabs isn't letting me upload the audio...not sure what I did wrong. Will try again when I get home, unless one of you wants to do the job.

Edit 2: It didn't sound good at all. There's a lot of potential in this, but fine-tuning isn't something you learn in the first 10 minutes of using it.

I read this in Seth McFarlane "emperor palpatine" voice from robot chicken.

You might want to rephrase that.

117 Wow that's old and very cool, I wanna know what happened next.