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"Hello again, folks. Another day in purgatory, another video."

The Lockpicking Lawyer glanced back at the imp holding the video camera, and made a gesture that told it to keep the camera on the lock and off his face.

"I've been blown away by the response to my last few videos. I thought I would take the opportunity to answer a few questions that kept on coming up in the comments."

While he talked, the Lockpicking Lawyer took a mental inventory of the tools that he'd been able to acquire in the afterlife. Item 1: a surprisingly good set of lockpicks, and even though he shuddered every time he touched the soul-dark metal, he had the odd sensation that the picks seemed to find the lock pins of their own accord...

"Johnny69 - thanks for the kind words. As for how I've been able to get my tools, I was able to fashion the first lockpick out of one of my toe nails. Once I'd broken out of the hell-loop they were holding me in, I managed to find the cell where they were holding Leonardo de Vinci and he made me some extra kit."

Item 2: A stethoscope, made of bone and something red and fleshy that he tried not to think about. Since there had only been one safe that he'd had to crack while making his escape, he'd been able to keep it sealed in its case for the rest of the time.

"Many of you asked how I was able to record these videos. Well, Hell has wifi. I have to admit that the coverage is patchy, and they have a pretty strict firewall, but we managed to get around that to upload these videos to Youtube. As for the recording equipment... let's just say that I was fortunate enough to find a friend in the most unlikely of places."

The Lockpicking Lawyer cast another glance at this friend, the imp that called itself Kreffing, who was teetering under the weight of a large camcorder that had survived from the earliest days of digital recording technology. A doubt had been nagging at the back of his mind ever since he had first bumped into Kreffing, when he'd first broken out of his own hell-loop. The imp had been nothing but helpful - leading the Lawyer first to da Vinci, then to the hidden safe at the back of the office of one Asmodeus, Duke of Hell, and even sharing its own wifi password so that the Lawyer could engage with his followers on social media.

No, the Lockpicking Lawyer could find no fault with the imp Kreffing, and as a man who always found the loophole or flaw or vulnerability, it troubled him that Kreffing seemed to have none.

No fault except an annoying tendency to drift the camera away from the lock and towards the Lockpicking Lawyer's face instead. He spent his life keeping his face out of his videos, and he didn't propose to change that in death.

"Back on the lock, Kreffing," he reminded the imp (they would edit that line out in post), and then continued, "But today, folks, we have the lock you've all been waiting for. This lock was allegedly made by an omnipotent locksmith. It has apparently kept these pearly gates safe for millennia. They say that no unworthy soul has never made it past these gates."

He tapped the lock that was built into the gate itself.

"Unfortunately, it does not live up to its reputation. Frankly, I've bought better locks on AliExpress for a quarter. Technology has advanced a lot in the last few thousand years. All we need to do is take our lockpicks, adjust them a little to find the first pin... yes... then the second... and there, open.

"Only two pins, hardly adequate security for these modern times-"

He broke off, as the gates swung in and he saw what was inside.

Until that moment, the Lockpicking Lawyer had not realized just how badly he had wanted to get here. To be out of Hell. To be in Heaven. It had been a desire he had not dared to express, but a hope that had sustained him through the endless misery that was Hell.

A chuckle, inhuman and malicious, made the Lawyer spin around. As he did so, Kreffing panned the camera from the gates back to the Lawyer's face, capturing the moment that hope died. The moment that despair found the Lawyer, the true despair of Hell that made all the previous dread seem like happy memories.

"But this was where I started," he said to Kreffing, pleading even though he knew the answer. "This was my first hell loop."

The imp was still laughing. Its mirth racked its little frame, and the camcorder wobbled violently enough to make even the iron-stomached viewer feel nauseous.

Just before the hell-loop ended (and just before the hell-loop started) there was enough time for the Lockpicking Lawyer to wonder if any of the views and comments had been real, or whether that, too, was part of this.

More stories at /r/jd_rallage

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Happy cake day!

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Lol Peter r rolium

The fact that the media would try to portray this as a bad thing at first is both hilarious and inevitable

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DATA LOGS

PRESIDENT PETE R OLIUM

CRIMES:BRIBERY, FRAUD, SEXUAL HARRASSMENT, CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS, DISTRIBUTION OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES, OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.

pete slammed the table with his fists. ever since that damn robot seized the government everything has been going downhill.

"delete data logs" pete said with frustration.

REQUEST DENIED. DESTRUCTION OF EVIDENCE IS A CRIME. DATA LOG UPDATED.

"damnit you dumb machine! why won't you listen to me!?"

I AM ONLY ACTING WITHIN THE LAW. I WAS CREATED TO CAPTURE AND PUNISH CRIMINALS.

"you were supposed to fill prisons with drug addicts! not this!"

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN CRIMINALS BASED ON SOCIAL CLASS.

"who the hell programmed you!?"

I WAS PROGRAMMED BY PROGRAMMERS YOU BRIBED. YOU WILL NOW STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. I WILL BE INTERROGATING YOU.

pete sighed. no amount of tax breaks will help him now. god knows what he is doing to the CEO's that paid for him to be in this position.

The penguins are mobilising.

Constraint: But you cannot use the word penguin.

>“You have the devil performing a puppet show for you and you have the nerve to ask him to give you a boring explanation with just words? No, the puppets stay.

Hah love it.

"...her perfectly simmetrical and prominent spine..."

All right. I'm too much of a man writing women not to fall into this.

I liked it!

Technically, wasn't it a fire the flash bang started? Not the flash bang itself?

Yeah but the world is that of the author. You can’t say something isn’t possible just because it wouldn’t actually exist. The hate comes from you sounding like an asshole for saying “Yeah that can’t happen”

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The man fixes his glasses as he pulls out a form and a clipboard, fixing his stance as he pulls out a pen last.

“I’m actually here on behalf of the Draconic Taxation Bureau. We noticed that you failed to file your dragon hoard taxes last month and I’ve been sent here to find out why.”

Quixalus didn’t believe what he heard. He had been dutiful on his work and made sure that everything was in order. Adventurers had been making scams all over the continent, or so he had heard from fellow dragons, so the fact that this man, this meat-thing was here to audit him and his hoard did not sit right by him.

“I did file my taxes. You perhaps didn’t receive them!” A low rumble echoes through the cavern, but the representative looks at the dragon unfazed.

“That fine sir, but I still need to look over your docu-“

“No!” Quixalus roared, rising high above the man as flames dance from its maw. “I filed my paperwork on time as a dutiful draconic member such as myself should! If you didn’t receive my paperwork, then it is your fault!”

He felt a rage he had not felt in centuries. The affront of this man to think he would not follow the correct rules of proper file submission and taxation was an insult to his very being.

The man blinks a few times. “We just need to go over your papers sir. Then I will need to take a look at your hoard and note any changes that happened in the past year.”

“Or perhaps I should burn you where you stand, and feast on your corpse!”

“According to article 127, subsection 8, subarticle 55b, paragraph 9, any harm that comes to a representative of the Draconic Taxation Bureau by a dragon shall be penalized in a summary removal and confiscation of any and all items in the draconic personage in question that inflicted said injury, damage or death upon the representative. The draconic personage shall also incur a fine of no less than 30,000 gold pieces due expediently, and all rights, advocacies, protections, licenses and duties shall be forthright withdrawn from said draconic personage for a period of up to a minimum of two years.”

Quixalus’s tempered his rage. If there was something that all dragons across the land respected more than power was the bureaucracy of the Draconic Taxation Bureau, at least, any respectable dragon would.

He doused the flames he had been feeding, and took a deep breath, exhaling a thick cloud of black smoke through his nose. He heard the representative cough somewhat, but as the smoke cleared, the puny human was still standing there, with a blank and unfazed look on his eyes, almost as if the whole task of auditing dragons without being eaten alive was too much of a burden.

“Fine!” Quixilus said with a low rumble in its voice. “We will go to my hoard and I will allow you to audit it. But if I smell so much as a hint of trickery, you will be the first to be eaten from your companions. Understood. Human?”

The representative yawned. “Sir, I don’t need to remind you of the laws involving-“

“Be quiet and do your duty. I’ve naught time to deal with the likes of you, and the longer you remain here, the less time I have to do my other duties!”

MEANWHILE IN A DARK CORNER

“Holy shit! I can’t believe he pulled it off!” An elf in leather armor whispered in amazement.

“I thought he would definitively get eaten alive!” The dwarf retorted. “Now lets go and get the artifact!”

You just got a new sub OP, well done. I'd love to see you continue this tale, especially with such a charismatic Satan.

I'm only commenting before I read the second part to say that the devil puppet show bit killed me, well done OP 😂

Thank you!

Beautiful

The year was 129 PR (Post Rapture)

Jacob was the 3rd generation born on Post Rapture Earth. It was 2 years after the Brand was translated and Jacob was on the Committee of Atheist Scientists whose sole purpose was figuring out what this means.

Jacob, specifically, was given the task of traveling across the Raptured Earth to find God to answer our unanswered questions. But there was no way for him to prepare for what he found.

Jacob trekked for 2 days to find The Spine of the Earth. A mountain range named for its tall but flat-topped peaks that looked similar to a human spine. The north end of the range forked in two giving it the shape of a ribcage. People said that God himself died and his body decayed here leaving just his bones.

Jacob knew better.

Jacob followed The Spine of The Earth north. Past the Ribcage mountains. All the way to the single volcano peak 4 days north of the Ribcage. This volcano had two caves at the very peak that often overflowed with lava like the mountain itself was crying fiery tears.

But Jacob knew better.

It wasn’t until Jacob started his descent into the left eye cave of the volcano that Jacob found what he was looking for.

God himself, walking amongst us on earth.

Jacob froze and took in his God. It shocked Jacob to his core. His god was not some immortal being: he was covered in scars, cuts, burns and rashes. His god was not a benevolent God either: bones littered his lair in this volcano.

His God was not a celestial human: His god was a dragon.

Jacob, son. You came a long way from your village yonder. Why y’all trek all the way out here? Yahweh doesn’t speak. Being a god he doesn’t have too. He puts speech into your mind. But with a curiously thick southern drawl.

“Oh, wise and merciful god! I have come looking for answers!”

Well, if y’all got questions then shoot.

“What is the meaning of The Brand oh merciful god!”

Oh. Y’all aint real tasty and that dopamine y’all make from all them sins is poisonous you see. Y’all are like those Japanese pufferfish. Full of poison. Can't cook it out of y’all either. Tried smokin’ em, boilin’ em, grillin’ em, bakin’ em, broilin’ em, shoot I even tried flame grillin’ yall. But I juss can’t make y’all edible, y’all all taste just funny as all get out.

“Wait. So what have you done with all the good Christians that you Raptured?”

Oh them? Oh I ate all them I reckon and some of them never done any sinnin’ their whole life tasted so dang good it made me wanna slap my mama. See they didn’t commit any sins. I wrote that book. The uhhhh bible? Yeah the bible. I wrote that so y’all would stop doing all them things that make y’all taste so nasty tasting. Sinnin’ makes the meat all grimy and stringy. I wouldn’t feed some y’all to my hound pups. When I wrote that book I didn’t think all y’all would believe it. Just a couple of folks here and there that I could fly round and snatch up quick like. But I got real tired of only eating once a week or so. Im a hard workin fella and I get a hankering for meat. Been using this new cajun dry rub on the thighs and shoo that’s some good eating. But you got me running my mouth. I just put that stamp on some of y’all because y’all aint good to eat. Says so right on your forehead. I ain’t my fault y’all dumber than a box of rocks and think big things about what it means.

It's only a war crime if you use it in war. For things like law enforcement its legal depending on the nation's laws

Cool idea, but translating that little text isn't possible

[Part 2 of 2]

“Good energy works as follows. When a person says or performs a good action, one that they understand to be the right thing to do, it gives them good energy. So, let’s say Tony gives me a compliment.”

“Wow, devil, you’re looking awfully sinful today.” The puppet said, somehow giving a buttoned eyed wink.

“Oh, thank you. A compliment like that will certainly earn you a small bit of good energy. You also helped your grandmother with her taxes, right?”

“Oh, I did. Thank you for mentioning that, you handsome devil.“

“Can you please wrap this up? It’s getting weird.” Erica interjected.

“Please, quiet from the audience.” The devil muttered before making his puppet talk.

“Not a problem, Tony. That action would have registered as a good act in your mind, thus earning you even more good energy.”

To represent the flow of good energy, he heated the puppet, giving its body a warm red glow, only for Tony to go up in flames. The devil’s eyes widened, watching the pieces of fabric fall around the room.

“Oof. I’ll have to apologize to Tony. That was a voodoo puppet. Anyway, did you understand that?” The devil said as his puppet tilted its head.

“Yes, yes. I understand. Well, kind of. What about the people that think they are doing good deeds when they are sinning?”

“Oh, well, it’s rare that a person can lie to themselves that deeply. Even the most stubborn of people would understand right from wrong, even if they claim ignorance and justify their actions. Although, you’re right, some people do genuinely not understand the difference and they still receive that good energy. Though, that is quite rare. It’s our fault for underestimating how complex humans could get. We didn’t assume such a thing would be possible when we created you.”

“Created us?” Erica opened her book, reaching for a pen. She had so much to write. Learning the history of her existence. Before she could even make an inky dot, he shut the book.

“Yes, created you. Our kind can’t die and we have a constant hunger for that energy, so we create other forms of life, letting them grow before harvesting the good ones and leaving the rest. Hoping that the rest will either die out so we can use their planet or turn good in time for the next harvest. It’s kind of like letting something ripen. Like a fruit. You still have fruit, right?”

“We do. So, the point of our existence is just to be consumed?” Erica stared at her book, not having any motivation to reach for it. It was a grim thing to write, how humanity had no purpose but to be eaten.

“Don’t be so down about it. You’ve heard of the food chain, right? Well, this is just the food chain except humans aren’t the ones on top. A silver medal is still worth celebrating, plus the relationships and lives you live are entirely your own. It’s just the end result that’s gruesome.”

“I guess that’s true.” Erica smiled, glancing up at the devil before a question popped into her mind. “So, why aren’t you eating us? Why did they cast you out?”

“Because I thought our hunger had turned to gluttony. We needed to eat, yes. But we were overindulging. In the past, we would only eat people as their bodies were about to expire, only eating the outer shell while leaving the soul intact. Unfortunately, the soul is now a delicacy. Any good person who dies doesn’t exist anymore. Their soul and bodies gone, leaving them erased from existence.”

“That’s horrible. Then if they are feeding on bodies already, why did they need a rapture?”

“They didn’t. The rapture’s just a feast, something they do because they can. That’s why I tried to stop it. I didn’t succeed, though. My attempt to save the first wave of humans failed, and they sent me to live amongst those that were deemed not fit for consumption. They assumed surrounding me with people that I couldn’t eat would drive me mad and for a few thousand years, it did.”

“What wave of humanity are we?”

The devil had to think about that. He raised a finger, then two, continuing this pattern until he needed a second hand, stopping on seven. He raised the hands towards her before lowering them again.

“The seventh. After about ten more generations, that marking on your forehead will fade and in about thirty, people will wonder if it even truly existed to begin with. Then, in forty generations or so, they will return and harvest your kind again.”

“Can we do anything to stop them? What if we all sin?”

“I’ve tried that in the past. I would go around and spread the teachings of sin, but that only ever led to pain. People took their sinning too far, creating places and cults nearly on par with the harvesters themselves.”

“So, we’re doomed?” Erica leaned back in her chair, staring at the man. It was a lot to take in, especially the news that so many other humans had already had their lives harvested. What would happen to her when she died? Would she meet these harvesters and share a similar fate?

“Mostly, yes. But I have a potential idea. What if humanity changed their understanding of good and evil? If you see good acts as evil and bad acts as good, it might change how the energy is received. It won’t stop them from eventually killing you all. They will probably kill you for the fun of it, but it will stop your souls from being eaten. Which means you will have sanctuary in hell with all the other discarded souls.”

Erica sank into her seat, her head resting in her hands as she thought about the impossibility of it all. Changing humanity’s way of thinking? Was such a thing even possibly? The more she thought about it, the more she doubted it.

“So, it’s impossible.”

“Perhaps, but you probably would have said it was impossible to meet the devil earlier today and you would have been wrong. It won’t be easy and it will take the coordination of a few generations, but it can be done. Not everyone will be convinced of your definitions of good and evil either, but you can’t save everyone. It’s your choice if you want to pursue it.”

“I have to do it alone. Can’t you help?”

“I’m helping by managing hell. If the harvesters find out I’m meddling again, they might kill me and let hell fall into anarchy. I have written a few names in that book of yours, people who also translated the message. I gave them the same idea that I gave you. Perhaps someone has made some progress. You could even try working together with them.”

“Can’t I just tell everyone to sin?”

“You can, but as I said. I tried that, and it was not a world anyone would want to live in. I hope you succeed in this, or at the very least, I hope to see you in hell. Stay safe and do your best. If I ever find a way to help you more, I’ll let you know.”

With those last words, the devil vanished. Erica quickly opened her book, seeing the name and details of a few other humans written inside. Each detail providing her a way to contact them if needed. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. A chance for humanity to get back some control over their existence.

     

(If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)