> MISTER ANDERSON... We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.

The playful.optimistic dragon wants to be am adventurer, but sometimes his desire to do good gets his gang into troublee, since he doesn't really know or care too much about the law...

She was just another original creation, like Squigoloth, the eldritch god of laughter. She is the ancient Tunisian collector of souls who are killed by trees, but aren't lumberjacks. Things have slowed down for her a great deal, especially as new entities tend to get first claim on souls, but there is the occasional logging truck accident that gives her tons of paperwork. She also enjoys spending her spare time making dreamcatchers and flirting with Grim.

I, too, have the comma curse.

Thanks

Sylvia looked at the Grim Reaper, then to me, then back to him. "I slept with this guy once, so I own his soul?"

"He offered his soul to hook up with you, yes."

"Jeez, kid. Have some self-respect."

"Whoa, to be clear, it was a flippant remark, back in 2012."

The Reaper put a hand in front of me. "As no other entities assisted in the hook up, it was deemed you had best claim to it. So his soul is yours."

Saint Peter was behind her, tapping a foot and looking at his watch. Apparently, she had lived a good life after that spring break. Eighty seven when she passed.

"No, this is too disturbing. I am not accepting a soul, especially not for a one night stand I don't remember."

"Can she do that?" I asked the Reaper. "Just refuse my soul?"

He gritted his teeth as he said, "Yes." It had been almost 50 years since I'd died, and I could tell it was getting him.

"Alright, we are out," Pete said, and he and Sylvia Wagner (nee Berkowicz) vanished.

"Ok, guess you're back to the books," I said to Grim, getting only a low growl in response as he sat back behind his desk.

It was all a lead up for the punchline lol

"the spirit of the lord has come upon us this day from the visitation of these angels here! He is calling us to revival, and to-" his words were cut off.

One of the youth group teens flying the drones had gone too low, and the whirring propellers had caught in sister Beatrice's beehive.

"LORDA'MERCY" she shrieked, causing the congregation to gasp. She stood up and started pulling at her hair trying to get the drone untangled, and her husband jumped up to help. Pandemonium proceeded.

In an effort to help his poor wife, brother Jed (who had a very strong relationship with food) stepped on brother Jim's foot.

brother Jim howled "shit fire!" and flung his hand out, knocking over one of the decorative candles.

"JIM!" his wife sharply scolded as she smacked the back of his neck.

"wait! wait the new carpet!" pastor Buttyboo screamed, throwing himself on the now blazing ornamental carpet that the candle had set on fire.

everyone started screaming and rushed the door, sister Sarah bringing up the rear sobbing her heart out.

And that's the story of how I became agnostic.

AHAHAH, the punchline at the end got me, wonderful work!

At first, I tried talking to the hooligans in reasonable terms.

>"You know, locking a teenaged girl up in a tower with no social circle or emotional outlet isn't going to do wonders for her mental health" I noted.
>
>"Yeah. We know. Now go away before our captain calls for the archers to shoot you." one of the outer wall guards responded.
>
>I heard the subtle twing of bowstring from on high.
>
>"Alrighty, thanks for your explanation. Have a wonderful day!" I turned to walk away.

Then, I tried coercion.

>"What do you mean, I don't look convincing! Why, I'm this princess's long lost sister!" I tried my best feminine accent.
>
>"Last I remember, princesses didn't have full grown beards and sound like gruff older men in their 40's." a guard noted. "Do you remember meeting the long lost sister of Princess Persephone?"
>
>"No, I didn't." the guard responded. "If I remember right, it was quite a big deal that the king only ever had one daughter. One is none, and all that."
>
>"Yeah, got it." the guard turned to me. "Please leave before our gunmen shoot you down."
>
>I heard the loading of a magazine from on high.
>
>"Very well. I'll be on my way."

Finally, I tried deception.

>"I'm here as an inspector from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, also known as OSHA, to inspect your castle for proper workplace and building practices. Please, if you will, step aside, and let me enter so I can do my job/." I asked politely.
>
>"OSHA won't exist for another couple hundred years, American. Now scram unless you really want our captain to come out and greet you personally." the guard glared at me.
>
>I heard loud, thunderous stomping from much closer than on high.
>
>"Dang it! Too meta. I'll come back tomorrow." I noted.
>
>Groans emanated from both inside the castle and from the outer wall guards.

Finally, the day came. I was tired of this girl being locked up in a tower.

So I did the right thing.

I picked up my phone, and started dialing.

"Hey, this is Greg." Greg said.

"Hey Greg, wanna go raid a tower?" I asked.

"Sure!"

Soon enough Greg and I were at the tower.

I casually walked up to the tower. Archers, gunners, and the sounds of a very buff man yelling came from the other side of the gate.

"Hello there, castle guard." I smiled.

"Hey, I thought I told you to scram." the guard replied.

"What? Me? Scram? What a preposterous thought!" I laughed.

Immediately, as I predicted, gunners, archers shot at me from above.

They didn't stand a chance.

Bullets and arrows all bounced off me hopelessly, before I chugged a potion from my inventory, and started jumping up into the air. Dirt blocks spawned below me, as I turned my B Hopping cheat on. Then, just for funsies, Greg and I started teleporting around the base at random. Men screamed as they were placed in Obi traps, becoming floating corpses in the middle of the sky, all drowned in midair. I swung at someone with my sword, and they caught on fire. But this wasn't the point.

Soon, Greg and I- having thoroughly dispatched their captain- skillfully used admin commands to teleport ourselves into the chamber where they held the girl. I pulled out a pickaxe, destroyed her chains, and set her free.

Moral of the story? Honestly, I don't fucking know.

If you know anything about being a Southern Baptist then you know about the more recent (and extremely extravagant) methods that the churches have been using to "spice up" their sermons and get more people to give more money. Our sleepy southern town in bum loved nowhere was originally catholic, then a brimstone teacher came in the 40's and told us we were all going to hell unless we followed that version of Jesus, so the town repented and became Southern Baptist. The problem was that we still had a cathedral.

No matter, church must go on, and Pastor Buttyboo was determined to become a sensation in the new outrageous world of the internet. The rest of the town was still getting over the 60's but Pastor had bigger ideas.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was almost Christmas, and the candles were lit for decoration. Sister Sarah was singing a song for us that the lord had placed on her heart (god bless it) and the children were fussing at the affront to their ears.

Suddenly, the doors opened and 'bout 30 or so drones buzzed into the church. Each of them had a crudely made papermache angel attached with a string, lazily trailing behind.

Pastor jumped up from his seat on the stage and body slammed Sister Sarah out from behind the pulpit.

"the spirit of the lord has come upon us this day from the visitation of these angels here! He is calling us to revival, and to-" his words were cut off.

One of the youth group teens flying the drones had gone too low, and the whirring propellers had caught in sister Beatrice's beehive.

"LORDA'MERCY" she shrieked, causing the congregation to gasp. She stood up and started pulling at her hair trying to get the drone untangled, and her husband jumped up to help. Pandemonium proceeded.

In an effort to help his poor wife, brother Jed (who had a very strong relationship with food) stepped on brother Jim's foot.

brother Jim howled "shit fire!" and flung his hand out, knocking over one of the decorative candles.

"JIM!" his wife sharply scolded as she smacked the back of his neck.

"wait! wait the new carpet!" pastor Buttyboo screamed, throwing himself on the now blazing ornamental carpet that the candle had set on fire.

everyone started screaming and rushed the door, sister Sarah bringing up the rear sobbing her heart out.

And that's the story of how I became agnostic.

The barbarians blood was dripping from the tail of the beast now cowering in the corner

“He literally just impaled himself running at it didn’t he “ piped up the ranger “ it didn’t even move at all , was he expecting it to swing its tail around to defend itself or something?”

“ sigh , intelligence was never his strong suit but this takes the cake, oh Mistress Muriel , Mark is dead , again”

The holy cleric walked forward from the raiding party over to marks corpse before looking up at the dragon in the corner who had “killed him”

“ shouldn’t we uhh deal with that before we think about resurrecting someone , it isn’t a fast spell “

The wizard walked forward toward the dragon , taking heed of the spikes

“ I don’t think this beast is much for battle, it’s very much awake but it didn’t even take an aggressive action , just bared it’s spiky behind at us “

The wizard stroked his beard

“ does anyone speak dragon by chance? Mine is extremely rusty… smart creatures you know…”

The entire raiding party just stood silent

“Anyone?…. No? Well fizzle sticks… I hope I don’t say something offensive…”

The mage walked toward the front of the dragon and began speaking

“ uhh excuse me, hello , I know you are awake , do you mind uhh having a chat “

The dragon rolled over , it’s wings covering its face

“ go away please, I’m sorry your friend is hurt but please go I’m not a monster “

The wizard was shocked “ oh , you speak common tongue , that would make this easier… uhh how do we say this , we were sent to slay you I’m afraid , terrorizing the town and what not “

The dragon lifted one wing up to look at the wizard “ I haven’t terrorized anyone , maybe ate a sheep or two… but I haven’t attacked any people… I was just hungry , I will just leave and go to another cave or ruin and you can say you did your quest “

The knight leading the party spoke up “ well uh , we are kind of supposed to bring your head back, but I mean you are a dragon right? Why are you not fighting back or anything “

“ because I don’t want to fight , I already said I’m not a monster… humans scare me because they always attack me…. So just please leave me alone “

The group chatted amongst themselves as suddenly the raging scream of the barbarian continued as he was brought back as he stood up he looked back and forth and at the dragon , he raised his axe and let out a piercing battle cry as he charged forward again onto another of the dragons spikes, dying again”

“ for the love of god mark “ shouted the cleric “ someone help me drag his body outside of the cave so this isn’t a repeat occurrence”

After shuffling marks body outside the group returned to the dragon

“ back to the matter at hand” the wizard started “ what shall we do about you… we can’t go back empty handed you know…. “

The dragon let out a sigh “ I know , but everywhere I go the humans always want to attack me and I just fly off to another cave… “

“ you know the king could use a dragon “ the knight spoke up “ Even if you are not a fighter… well just the idea of a dragon in the kings army would help to bolster fear for invaders… why don’t you come to the kingdom “

“ really? Even if I don’t want to fight? That would be wonderful…”

The dragon looked over to the mage

“ do you happen to have any good books for me to read there ? I’m honestly more of a book wyrm”

Thanks for the feedback, I always appreciate people taking the time. I stream of consciousness-ed this one, trying to keep my word count low. If I am able, I will definitely try to make the story more interesting. Can you be more specific about what was boring? Concept, characters, tone, ect (or maybe the whole thing was? Lol I really don’t know) thank you again, I really want to improve wherever I can.

What does Sylvia say about owning a forign soul?

r/storiestodrinkabout

A fugitive Jedi confronts a clone trooper post Order 66.

I took it as up to interpretation.

Heaving breath and weak muscles, the faithful make it to the temple just before the sunrise, their cathedral of trees.

Babes cry and are held tight by mothers, children are guarded by fathers wielding makeshift weapons.

Here the soaring boughs provide a cover from the buzzing hum from the sky burned black. Vines, branches, and leaves more intricate than any fresco and holding so much more meaning now.

Just as the grey morning breaks, it is felt more than heard. The dread marching of the Drones of the Black Sun. Hundreds of thousands of heavy boots stomping the earth to dust.

A voice, older and full of a certainty that wasn't shared by those in this ancient Cathedral, rings out, "Hold fast children! The green shall hold them, the Mother will protect her children!"

"We have sight!", a watcher cries out! Humanoid figures enclosed in glossy black armor, the symbol of the Black Sun emblazoned upon each and every chest plate.

Fear and terror wash over the gathered as they have seen what the Drones leave behind in their passing. Lines of defense form within the last Cathedral, knowing they are doomed. Whispered prayers escape lips.

The endless tide slows to a stop just outside the great arch, mere feet from stepping over the threshold. Then it happens. One. A single drone steps over that invisible line and falls to its knees. Shaking hands drop the weapon and reach up to remove the helmet.

As if waking from a long sleep, the scarred and mutilated face of the woman speaks in a raspy voice, "Please. Am I free?"

A miracle as in the Catherdral of Trees the first Drone is set free.

A serial killer and the detective assigned to bring him down are kidnapped by a much worse killer who gives them a limited amount of time to escape

Literally Yanfei.

A fantasy party made up of an elf, dwarf, demon, and wizard Weekend and Bernie's-ing a tavern owner that they accidentally poisoned trying to assassinate someone else.

Well done. Amazing writing.

never do that

only the Sith deal in absolutes. and where is the reference point!?

if you work at a bank, there might be an Infernal Audit too

Hahaha. Amazing.