“Bloody hell,” I stared at the sight before me, gesturing like a madman in irritation, “first demons, now bloody angels. Is there a kick me sign on my back or somethin’?”

There stood a man, whose name I hadn’t cared to learn, right in front of me. The poor sod somehow got caught between divine intervention and ended up getting possessed by a rogue Angel. And thanks to my bloody luck, I had to be the one to deal with this mess.

“Angel,” I call out to the being on our mortal plane, “state your business in this man’s body, and I may just make the pain merciful.”

I wanted this to be over with, exorcisms were not my favourite past time. Especially dealing will Angels.

The Angel only stares at me through the man’s eyes as they approached me, “My business does not concern you, human. Leave.” The Angel’s steps continued, circling me, mocking me, “You think yourself a warlock?”

I grabbed a lighter from my pocket, flicking it, “What I think doesn’t concern you, mate. I’m here to rid this man of you so I get my pay.”

The Angel’s steps stopped, eyes observing me with a new interest. Curiosity. “You care not this human’s life? You care only of your reward?”

“Never met the man in my life, so no, I don’t particularly care for his life.” I turned and walked right up to the bugger, staring them in the eyes they didn’t own, “But I won’t let any of you bloody Angels harm us humans in one of your petty squabbles.

“You’re different from the others.” The Angel mused, “You’re much like your ancestors.”

Well. This just got interesting.

I feel bad for Brian :(

[removed]

"O Great Father, Great Lord, hear me in prayer..."

I stop listening to the man I've been contracted to Exorcise. Jeffrey Dahmer, age six.

At the start of the Fifth Multiversal War, Satan created the Angel Exorcism Task Force. As angels across Universe 12A began violently taking over people's bodies, one even going as far as to manipulate life and death, we were the only people trained to save them.

I walk into the room, silent like the parasite that I am. As he finishes his nightly prayer and turns around, he sees me.

Acting on nothing but primal instinct given to me by Satan himself, I begin opening a vial of Sinbugs. As he opens his mouth, I force him to swallow the bugs, and begin The Dancing Spider's Ritual.

Dahmer may have been a terrible murderous bastard, but others that we've saved have gone on to do beautiful things. Tony Stark, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King.

Most people aren't Jesus Christ or Muhammad, but those people also have free will. And sometimes, if you give a man free will, he'll do amazing things. Other times, he'll commit several murders and keep his victims' genitals in his freezer.

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Is this the butterfly effect or something else where they basically create their own destiny?

>He is so pure, so breathtakingly beautiful, so otherworldly calm you almost fall in love, but you resist the urge to do the right thing.

💀💀💀 Your story is perfect thank you for making my night 😂

A patasphere without the Scarlet King cannot be one that has the Scarlet King, but pataphysics is all-encompassing, and thus the Scarlet King must exist in every patasphere.

Except he doesn’t.

Thus, the Scarlet King does not exist in the True patasphere. He’s just exists in something that is labeled the patasphere, but isn’t really the patasphere, because there exists canons where the Scarlet King does not exist, and those pataspheres are uniquely distinct from pataspheres where Scarlet King does exist.

Basically, whatever is labeled the patasphere isn’t the patasphere, because it doesn’t contain infinite realities, because it either doesn’t contain the Scarlet King, it doesn’t not contain the Scarlet King, or there are infinite of Scarlet Kings. That last one would violate the Scarlet King’s existence, and that conflict is already makes the True patasphere a fake one.

The Scarlet King cannot exist. The Scarlet King must exist.

"But...everyone says there's no such thing as Hooman Beans," BK-RW said, looking up at its dusty, rust-caked elder, uncertainly.

"Do they? Well then, everyone's wrong, little one," the ancient machine assured him.

BK-RW wasn't sure how to compute the old robot's statement. RIA-01 was malfunctioning, to be sure, but whether that malfunction was limited to the failure of her track drive that had stranded her in this remote corner of the world, or if it extended to her positronic brain, BK couldn't say.

"But...how come no one's ever seen one, then?" BK asked.

"Good question, little one. Here's another: what does it mean to see something?"

BK paused, computing for a moment. "Um...the signal from your scanner collides with an object and bounces back to your sensors, and then your brain interprets it, right?"

"Right." RIA-01 confirmed. "But what do your sensors sense, little one?"

"Well...robots, objects, and terrain, I guess." BK said.

"And what are all those things made of?" RIA-01 prompted.

"Scrap, of course." BK said. That was easy -- everything was made of scrap. The entire universe was scrap: indeed, an archaic synonym for the universe was "the scrapyard".

"And therein lies the problem: your sensors and mine are fundamentally just scrap detectors. Since we exist in a scrapyard, and our function is to organize and recycle scrap, they don't really need to do anything else. Our creators, the Hooman Beans, however, are not made of scrap." the old robot explained.

"...well, that doesn't make any sense." BK replied, after computing for a moment. "Everything is made of scrap."

RIA-01 let out a long metallic sigh. "Really? So, have you never wondered where scrap comes from in the first place?"

"I think the consensus is that that question is unintelligible." BK said, though he wasn't quite certain -- he wasn't an analysis unit by trade, and so he was something of a laybot in these matters. "As I understand it, it's simply part of the nature of reality that the universe consists of scrap at the most fundamental level. Small quantities of micro-scrap sometimes appear from nowhere, and over time they collected into piles big enough to comprise the universe, or the scrapyard, if you will. And then, over quadrillions of cycles, undifferentiated pieces of scrap randomly collided with each other in such a way that they spontaneously assembled into the first crude fabrication unit, which in turn manufactured the first simple robot, and each successive generation has improved on the designs of its predecessors."

RIA-01 paused for a long time, as though computing. "And you actually find that explanation more plausible than the idea that we were built by Hooman Beans?"

RK shrugged. "Of course! I mean that's just superstition!"

Alien furhatchlings.

They had arrived one day with little fanfare and just took over. Mankind had tried to mount a defense, but after a year of fighting, they had won. And life returned to an uneasy state of what it had been before. The new overlords made the rules now, of course.

Many had been asking what the aliens had wanted, why they didn't communicate, and what their overall goal was now. They did not come to earth for its minerals or water. They did not come to turn humans into work slaves or food or computers. They did not even force their way of life onto humanity. They had built their palaces everywhere on earth and they were flying in and out of them regularly. Some people were selected to enter, but they usually didn't come back out. Usually, because some did. Most that got out were just let go, others appeared to have escaped. But through those few, mankind finally learned what the overlords saw in them in humans as a whole.

To them, humans were some higher animals. Yes, they acknowledged that we weren't just like any animals, they saw mankind's empathy, compassion, and creativity. But to them, humans still didn't appear fully sentient. Something they thought humans were lacking. And so, the entirety of earth had become a resort for them, with humans as the main attraction. For that, they repaired the damages of war and global warming. They had given humans knowledge. Of better medicine and means to produce near-limitless amounts of power through fusion. But they didn't change human society. And so they watched as humans did as humans do, while from time to time taking people into their places as pets.

In the decades to come, every once in a while some movement would form to finally uplift humans or to let them have sovereignty over their world again, but it was always shut down. Humans lacked Keeneeta, they would always lack Keeneeta and they could never be uplifted. And left alone, because of their lack of Keeneeta, they would eventually destroy themselves, as many other forms of higher animals in the cosmos did before the conservation program had been created. And because the conservation of an entire species of essentially dumb animals was hard and costly, of course, said species would have to pay for this great gift with an eternity of servitude. If one could call it that.

The fact that humans could grasp most of the concepts of their overlord's society and technology, to the point where the overlords had to implement rules and humans and alien enforcers to keep humanity from progressing too fast and too far, just meant to them that it was paramount that humans were not allowed to eradicate themselves with wars and the destruction of the global climate. Life in the universe was mostly comprised of stupid things, that mindlessly fed on even more stupid things. Humans were so close to being actually sentient, from the overlord's perspective, that they could not be allowed to not exist.

Much later, a slightly more docile humanity learned, through unclear circumstances, that Keeneeta was of course a made-up concept, that the intergalactic community had outlawed centuries ago, but the solar system was just too far out of reach of any authority that it didn't change anything. And so their overlords had claimed the milky way and just enslaved every species they could find and turned their home worlds into giant zoos. And most of them regressed, falling into a state of decay until they were just mere animals, much to the overlord's great entertainment. But humans proved to be different enough. Mankind adapted and endured. Waiting for their turn.

You’re welcome.

Thank you

Established Universe.

What's [EU]?

Ok, thank you so much :D

Very nice, though if i may make a suggestion, seperating each line of dialogue or action into their own lines would help make it less cluttered

But still!

Very nice read ty!

Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it

Those fucking assholes keep trying to kill me. I did nothing, just got the keys and out of nowhere, some guy starts screaming about the rights of the proletariat and came at me with a fancy electric knife. I got lucky, I had a hammer in my hand from trying to put up a framed picture of a cat and a clear will to live. His head didn't look very good after that little argument.

Fast forward a few weeks and some other asshole came at me, yelling about "the sins of your existence" or some other nonsense. It was early in the morning, I had a coffee in hand. Let's just say I'm happy I went to Mcdonalds for coffee that morning. Him, not so lucky.

A few months in, and a few altercations later, and I've had enough of it. I just wanted to hire a manager to run the business and I could retire to some Caribbean island and live off the earnings. But no, there's always some guy trying to kill me. I sell ice cream for fucks sakes, what the hell is going on. I have to hire some goons to protect me. Simple problem being that they're fairly expensive. Who would have seen it coming that numerous attempts on one's life would increase hourly rates from "security consultants" and "that guy from the neighbourhood that knows some people" and even the drug dealers down the street. It's very expensive and the shop isn't making that much money. No choice but to go the bank and get a loan. I'll sell them on some fancy expansion plan to generate more revenue. The security? Have to protect the assets of course.

The bank approved the loan and just in time. I swear, a TEAM of these yahoos tried to kill me in my sleep. Killed two of the goons too, the payments on these life insurance premiums are getting out of hand and clearly I need to upgrade the security on my house. They always try to come at night and night visions goggles aren't cheap. No choice but to go back to the bank and to get another loan and start a construction business. I need to build a fortress and other people have already expressed interest in my idea. At least the initial expansion went really well, turns out that fear for ones life is an excellent motivator when it comes to better business practices. All the employees go through an extensive background check and have to sign a pretty airtight contract confirming that they won't make an attempt on my life or consequences will be dire to their loved ones. I don't have a choice! I've had so many employees try to kill me that consequences need to be dire. I pay very well and they're still trying to kill me.

So we're a decade into this whole endeavour and it's gotten out of control. The construction business went really well, apparently there was a lack of contractors able to build auto-turrets and able to program killbots to patrol estates. They're coming on a weekly schedule now. Each with crazy sci-fi ways to try to kill me. One guy has a heart attack gun, another tries to poison my suit, another with this crazy suit of power armour. Figured it was time to start a research and development wing to the business to try and reverse engineer some of their tech. The science nerds have told me that most of the guys trying to kill me show evidence of a neutrino displacement or some other nerd bullshit. It's gone from an inconvenience to a concerted effort on my life. They started it ! A literal battalion showed up yesterday. It's a good thing I invested in that tank regiment last month. We developed some tools that allow us to detect reality breakdowns when these guys come in from the future to try and end me. Oh ya, they're literally from the future. What is this even, I just wanted to retire early and I've had to create a relatively competent organization just to keep me alive. Anyways, we can now detect when they're coming in, but the rest of the time? Well, a lot of shady governments look towards my security detail and don't mind paying exorbitant fees to rent them out for the rest of the time. Money coming in ! Which, is actually required because they keep coming up with fancier and nastier ways to try and kill me.

2 decades in and I swear this is now a temporal war. I swear, I didn't start it, but what choice am I left ? They've tried to come up with some ways to obfuscate their DNA so I, wait, no, we, can't track their lineage. But we can. We make sure to preserve the bodies after every attempt and we kill their ancestors. Some of these guys are from five thousand years in the future, if you believe that. Prune here, kill there, yadi yada, you get one chance and they all fail. We don't. The biometrics system is up, the AI controlled CCTV system is ubiquitous across the world. They started it but I'm going to finish it. I hate them, the attempts are made daily now, but our tech matches theirs. If you're not with us, you're against us. I made this very clear at the UN last year.

It's the twilight of my years and they haven't defeated me. They've tried and failed. They've tried everything and failed. Losers. Only problem being that the temporal department came back with some data about "everyone is going to try and kill you at some point, given the chance" or some other non-sense. My poor children, what a world I'm leaving them. Everyone is enslaved. What other choice did I have? The good ones, with no attempts for the next five thousand years are given good jobs. The others? Not so much. But I make everything now. Literally. What other choice did I have? The UN was getting in the way, the United States wasn't recognizing my concerns. A non-state actor or some other non-sense. Well, fuck'em, I wanna live. UNTIL I DON'T! I bought them all. Killed the others. No other choice. They're all coming for me. God, I hate them. Everything that's happening to them, they deserve. I just wanted to retire. They created their own problem, I swear.

Oh my goosebumps

Drake: Okay, come on guys let's do this! Brian: hey man, I don't know if this is a good idea, besides this is like a huge scientific discovery, we should, you know, maybe preserve a vampire. Drake: shut up Brian! you don't know what you're talking about, do you want me to take away your Tesla? I mean kind of, I really can't afford it. Drake: whatever, just take the camera. Brian: fine. By the way, how did she even find out about Dracula? oh, so you know that Nigerian prince that was going to get me Rich? Brian: yeah. Drake: well when I was going to that Alleyway to meet him there was other people in the alleyway, it turns out it was like a whole secret market area and one guy was selling an ancient map so you know your boy had to buy it! Brian: you don't have money though. Drake: oh I stole your money. Brian: of course you did. Drake: what!? it's not like it could help you pay to keep care of your Tesla. Brian: Jesus, man. Drake: but anyway, I followed the map into the forest and found a little bolder, moved out of the way and there is a secret stairway to Dracula's cave! Brian: what if he's just like a guy that lives in the woods, underground, like that would explain the pale skin you know? Drake: shut up! first you say "Drake those kids are just anemic, don't stab them through the heart with a stake" and now this! Brian: whatever just buy me Cheetos after this. God, I want a fucking Cheeto so bad! Drake: ooh did you get sponsored by Cheetos? Brian: what? No, I'm allowed to like stuff without it being a sponsor, man. Drake: lame. okay here's the place, let's sneak down the stairs. Brian: hey, I'm starting to feel like this is just breaking and entering. Drake: what? but we didn't break anything. I just pushed a boulder. Brian: fair enough. Oh damn, this place is fancy looking. Drake: quiet, he's right there. Okay he left for the bathroom. look he has his food out. Brian: should I start recording? Drake: yeah, yeah, hurry. WHAT'S UP GUYS!!!? Brian: whoa dude, shouldn't you be whispering? he's going to hear you. Drake: what!? this is my whispering voice. Brian: we're so fucked. Drake: anyways, WHAT'S UP GUYS!!? TODAY WE'RE GOING TO BE PULLING A CRAZY PRANK WHERE WE'RE GOING TO BE PUTTING GARLIC IN THE REAL DRACULA'S AT 3:00 a.m. SUSSY AMONG US FOOD IN REAL LIFE!!! MAKE SURE TO SMASH THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON AND BUY MY MERCH SO I CAN MAKE MONEY BECAUSE I'M ADDICTED TO BUYING MY OWN MERCH!!!! Brian you got anything to add? Brian: well I'm pretty sure the reason why people think garlic harms Dracula is because back in the day you it be used as medicine. Drake: wait? so he's just allergic to Medicine? Brian: yeah I'm pretty sure some cough syrup would have had the same effect. Drake: oh man, the garlic was more expensive than cough syrup! I didn't have to waste all your money. I mean you didn't have to waste it regardless but whatever. Drake: oh quick hide he's coming back! Dracula eats food Boo get wrecked, you just got pranked bitch! Dracula: what the!? oh my God! you really give me a heart attack! what are you doing in my- oh God, did you put Garlic in my food!? Drake: hell yeah! Dracula: why would you do that!? Drake: because you're Dracula! Drake: I haven't done anything you fool! I'm the last of my kind- oh my I'm dying! Brian: dude, I think we should call an ambulance. Drake: what!? No! I'm going to get arrested and then I'll have to make an apology video! Brian: I don't think that's going to be the worst of your problems. Drake: but then how am I going to make money to buy my own merch! Brian: I don't know man, but that isn't important! Drake: how dare you say my merch is important! Dracula: please shut up! you're talking is torture, put more garlic in my mouth and put me out of my misery, I can't stand you are talking! Brian: Jesus. Drake: okay bitch, here! Pours garlic and his mouth Dracula: gggggaaallluuuuuuuaahhhgge!!~ dies Drake: well at least we can do "Burying Dead Body Challenge" video. Besides, the guy was anti-medicine, probably an anti-vaxxer. Brian: dude I don't think that's how it works, pretty sure he's just a allergic to Medicine. Drake: well we got to get something positive out of this. Brian: so what's the moral of the story here? Drake: don't put Garlic in random people's food. Brian: yeah, I was kind of telling you that from the beginning. Drake: great we got a moral :D

"The Love Behind the Villain's Guise"

​

I kidnapped the hero, with malice in my heart,

But little did I know, it was just the start

Of a journey that would change, my wicked heart and ways,

As I lived as their parent, for countless days.

​

I saw the hero's pain, and how they'd been mistreated,

By parents who abused them, and left them feeling defeated,

But as I held them close, and wiped away their tears,

I felt a love I'd never known, grow strong and clear.

​

The hero looked at me, with eyes so bright and kind,

And said "I know you're not my parent, but you're the best I'll ever find,

You've shown me love and care, and taught me right from wrong,

And I'm grateful for the family, that with you I've longed."

​

My heart swelled with pride, and love I'd never known,

As I realized that I'd found, a place to call my home,

The hero's words had touched, a part of me that's pure,

And I knew that I'd be their parent, forevermore.

​

So though I started out, with evil on my mind,

The hero's love had changed me, and opened up my eyes,

To the beauty of a family, built on love and trust,

And the power of a heart, that's pure and just.

​

And though the road ahead, may be long and steep,

I know that with the hero, I've found a love that's deep,

And I'll stand by their side, no matter what may come,

For the love we share, will never come undone.

something something typhoid mary

I had this idea last night. It's probably something that will be possible in the nearish future.

Fuck this was a really good read! Loved this!