Glad you groaned, Fye!

Alice is the middle manager between the brothers and Cullen. I should make that more clear.

Thanks!

[removed]

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Wow! As always some great crit! Thanks so much, Fye! :)

Thank you for the critique. I've made the changes to improve the phrasing and flow of the piece. Glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Kat!

Hehe, I loved the commentary here. You have some hilarious moments like the TNI comment and all the different uniform descriptions, haha. I think you did a fantastic job characterising the two kids too! Even without dialogue tags, I could make out who was who here with the speech.

Also lol, I loved that twist ending. The coach was clearly fed up with the game and just wanted to end the class. So hey, everyone's a loser, haha.

One specific detail that I liked here was where you had the game situated. On the disused tennis court. It pretty much tells us everything we need to know about how the teachers of the school view the great game of dodgeball, thereby setting up some of the other jokes going forward.

So really well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Blessed with plenty of space, crabapple and sycamore trees lined dappled asphalt paths.

I do think you might want just a little more here. You mention the trees, but is there anything more? Maybe something about hills or forests in the distance? Everything was neatly mowed grass? Just something more to this beautiful description, basically.

> Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening’s fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, Cotton was nevertheless the clear leader, as Pepper’s slightly slumped shoulders attested.

I think there's just a bit of repetition of names here. I think using a few pronouns instead could work better because you've already established who you're talking about. So something like:

"Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening's fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, he was nevertheless the clear leader, as his friend's slightly slumped shoulders attested."

Maybe that could work?

> “They’re looking good, Pepper. In fine form. And aren’t those new uniforms great?”

> “Yes indeed, Cotton. The school has done well with the new gym uniforms… And wow! Look at them go Straight through the metal gate and onto the court.”

I think you just repeated the bit about the uniforms here.

"And aren’t those new uniforms great?"

And,

"The school has done well with the new gym uniforms…"

Both seemed like introductions to the uniforms. Like two different ways to bring our attention to them for the first time, if that makes sense. Maybe cutting one?

Also, the second bit of the second paragraph made me think that the uniforms were running through the gate for a second. Probably didn't help that I originally read it as the gate still being closed, haha. Just a small thing.

> And, if you remember nothing else, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

Just a bit of repetition of "if you" here a little close together. Hmm, not sure how you could change that though...

> the Right-side-out captain whined.

And finally, the name for the uniforms. It's named two different things I believe:

"right-way-round shirts"

And,

"Right-side-out"

I'm not sure if that was intentional though. However, considering the other team goes by a consistent name, I'll leave this here in case it wasn't.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

I awoke with confusion, where was I? the lights, they were blinding but as they adjusted, I saw something words couldn't describe accurately. The image of the pearly gates of heaven, it doesn't even begin to describe what I saw. That's when I realized, this could only be one place; the entrance to heaven.

With this realization, other things started to become clear. but then, then they started to surround me. I guess is should explain.

I had lived with my wife in the destitute cabin in the woods. it was a stereotypical situation I know, but I had been in love and wanted to read my books in peace. Id always been an introvert, but this was my peace. or at least it was. After 5 years, once I was completly isolated, she started. She would hit me, throw glass and worse that dosent belong in the thoughts whilst outside heaven.

One day, I went outside for a walk in the woods, I wandered a bit to far and it happened.

The birds they went quiet, then I saw it. A bear waiting for me. I turned to go home but behind me were wolves and other small animals like mice and possums. As I stood there surrounded I felt fear id never felt before. I was going to die.

They attacked.

I was defenseless.

And then I ended up here. A shiver went down my spine as I turned around, back to the gates, and saw them. The bear, the wolves, the possums, the mice, the other animals id never had a chance to identify. waiting for me. What was this? a cruel joke for hope of heaven only to be killed again?

A voice cut through the panic "time is inconsistent here, the dead may greet each other if their love is strong enough"

that's when it clicked, they'd saved me, they'd loved me enough to save me from her.

👍

‘Dodgeball Gods’

—-

Stanton Elementary’s grounds embraced their rural setting. Blessed with plenty of space, crabapple and sycamore trees lined dappled asphalt paths. The baseball field spread out next to the pristine basketball court. But at the heart of it all, in the disused tennis court, dodgeball was the name of the game.

Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening’s fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, he was nevertheless the leader, as his friend’s slightly slumped shoulders attested.

“They’re looking good, Pepper. In fine form. And aren’t those shirts great?”

“Yes indeed, Cotton. The school’s done well with the new gym uniforms… And wow! Look at them go—straight through the metal gate and onto the court.”

The students gathered in a line as the two self-declared captains, a gawky kid and a tanned, brunette, picked sides.

“The first few choices have been unsurprising—your standard dodge gods. Wait, did you see that, Pepper?! Scrawny new guy gets chosen over the next round of ball hogs?”

“It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for them.”

“And look, it’s everybody’s favorite gym teacher and the coach for both teams to provide some inspiration!”

A man with thinning brown hair and a mustard-stained blue shirt stepped forward. “Alright, kids, it’s time to review the five Ds of dodgeball—dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge. And, if you remember nothing else, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”

“Words to live by, Pepper. Words to live by.”

Six players took to the court on each side. Angry looks and scowls at those usually considered their friends were the norm in dodgeball.

“Ain’t no room for smiles here. Dodge ball is life!!”

“You’re quoting Ted Lasso now, Pepper?”

“At least it’s a current reference!”

“Touché, Pepper. Oh, no—look! Inside-out-shirt team’s captain got walloped. Ouchtown, population: you bro!”

“Is t-that blood?”

The captain roared as the ball hit the ground, indicating a fair play. “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!”

“Gross. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

“TMI Cotton. Moving on. Who will win is the big question of the day! Will it be the righteous right-side-out shirts or the incredible inside-out ones? Only time will tell.”

As the three balls whizzed back and forth between the two teams, Cotton and Pepper watched, mesmerized.

“Didya see that catch? Gonna be a substitution for sure!”

“Right, you are Cotton. And in good time, too—the players look pretty tired out there.”

The seasoned coach glanced up at the reddening sky, darkening to black. “Time to call it, kiddos.”

“But, coach,” the right-side-out captain whined. “We’re tied! Didn’t you say ‘only losers end on ties’?”

The coach combed through his sparse hair with his hand, little wisps floating in the breeze, before standing tall. “You’re all losers then, I guess! Hit the locker room!”

“Who would have seen that coming, Cotton?”

“Well, it has happened the last six games…”

—-

WC: 499

—-

Thanks for reading! Feedback is always very much appreciated

Hey Duke!

Welp, you got an audible groan from me for that ending. So like, I'll give you that, haha. And you did such a great job with a good story too. The plot didn't feel forced or anything in order to get to the joke. So really well done there.

Like, the only thing I could say is perhaps build it up more? Tease it maybe? But then again, I also liked how you did it. Write this great story and end it with a hilarious pun. I'm going to call it a pun at least.

Very well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Deadline was fast approaching,

This read oddly to me. "The deadline was fast approaching," or something may work better. But not sure.

> "And we're working double-speed to get the paper out. I don't want to fire them -- they have a way with words separately, but when on the story together, everything falls apart!"

So if Alice is Cullen's assistant, does she have the power to fire people? Is that something she can do or is she simply wielding Culen's power here? And with that, who is Cullen in the company? I might have missed it, but is he the CEO? The big boss? Not too sure but this bit did give me pause.

> Cullen offered an entire box of tissues to Alice, as though that would clean up the black mess on her face thoroughly.

I don't think you need "entire" here. It's a detail that we can already assume. Also, later on, you make it a point to say that she uses most, if not all, of the tissues anyway. So you could just dodge some repetition that way.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

“Clara!” Logan shouted. “I’ve waited years for you!”

Clara recoiled as her ex-husband approached. She tried to run, yet to where?

“I’ve missed you, babe.” Logan said, smiling sickly, his eyes narrowing. Clara all but expected him to extend a forked tongue. “What did you in, hon?”

“Old age.” Clara lied easily, falling back into old patterns. He’d only get angry if he heard the truth.

A whimsically dressed man in a dog pile of fluffy animals was clearly eavesdropping while petting a squirrel.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” Logan had an edge to his voice.

“Of course!” Clara immediately smiled, which put Logan at ease.

“I was hoping we could talk.” Logan said. “Hash out the problems we used to have.”

Clara’s heart sank to her stomach, feeling phantom pains from Logan’s fists on her face.

“Sure,” Clara said, looking obviously scared.

The man with the animals seemed to notice her unease and perked up slightly.

“Awesome.” Logan said. “I’ll lead the way home.”

He suddenly reached out and grabbed her upper arm hard, exerting the control he was only so used to exerting.

The flowery man with the animals whispered to a fox.

The fox delicately stole Logan’s hat, who released Clara as he chased the furry demon.

“Are you okay, ma’am?” The animal man asked.

“No.”

At that, the animal man whistled. His hoard of friends bristled, turning to Logan as he made his way back with his hat.

Logan went to grab Clara’s arm again, yet found a myriad of creatures in his way.

Most notably, a grizzly bear stared him eye to eye.

“So it’s like this?” Logan suddenly shouted. “You cheating bitch!”

The grizzly gave him a harsh shove.

“Fucking slut!” Logan screamed as he stormed away.

Welcome to the Prompt! All top-level comments must be a story or poem. Reply here for other comments.

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Hey Blu!

Ooh, nice twist here. This kind of story often ends with the people being the real monsters. Those with power and wealth being the real things to fear and such. So it's refreshing to get a story that doesn't do that and takes a more literal meaning of the word monster.

I quite liked your opening here too. You set the backstory up really well, and tell us from the start that this won't end well. And that does wonders for the tension.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> I spent far more time chasing stories than I did making our own. My biggest regret.

So I did just feel like there was a bit of a contradiction here. Before this, our character openly admits that they'd give into the rush of the biggest story of their lives even if they knew how badly it would end.

But then here, they openly admit that they wished they hadn't let their family go. So maybe just removing the "My biggest regret." could fix it? But up to you.

> warming my core in a way the alcohol hadn’t.

A minor change here, but "couldn't" may work better over "hadn't" here. Insinuating that she made him feel a way that the alcohol couldn't achieve. Because as it stands, one could maybe take it as 'if he'd just drink some more, he could perhaps reach that same level of warmth.' Which I don't think is what you were intending.

> Grinning back, I offered her a drink, surprised she accepted.

The commas here make it seem like this is all simultaneous. He grins at her whilst offering a drink for instance. There's no chronological order of events. But then the last bit snagged me. She'd only be able to accept the drink after he offered, right? So maybe a period followed by "I was surprised she accepted." maybe?

I may be way overthinking this, haha.

> Her hot breath sending shivers down my spine and waking up parts I hadn’t paid any mind to for the better part of a year.

Just a tense change here I think. You go from past to present a few times in this piece I think. Nothing too big though.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

Cullen Bell, the editor in chief of the Daily Apple, looked out over the beginnings of sunset. The deadline was fast approaching, and his biggest story was still up in the air. He needed to hear back from the final authors, twin brothers Edward and Jacob Long, before he could put it to bed.

"Where is that finished article?" he asked to no one in particular.

As if on cue, a knock came on his office door. Alice Carlisle, the managing reporter, burst through. "Mr. Bell, sir... we have a problem."

Someone who was a seasoned veteran of the newspaper industry such as Cullen understood that "we have a problem" was business-talk for "everything just hit the fan". He slowly turned around, then quickly recoiled. Alice's face and arms were covered in ink!

"Why, Miss Carlisle... what in the world happened to you?"

"It's the twins, sir. They were out of control."

"Did they hurt you?"

Alice hesitated. "N-no, sir, but they've set operations back in the printing room quite a bit. The two were working on a middle paragraph of the top story and got into an argument over the Oxford comma. It turned into a bit of a shoving match, and then... then a full-on fight broke out."

Cullen became nervous. "Is... everyone alright?"

"No injuries, sir, nor any damage. But as you can see, they wasted some of our printer's ink on each other and... I got in the middle of it to break it up." Alice stared at her hands, wondering when her subordinates stopped paying attention and hoping her boss wouldn't blame her.

"I'm glad you did. I assume both brothers were sent home?"

"Pending an investigation, yes," Alice replied. "And we're working double-speed to get the paper out. I don't want to fire them -- they have a way with words separately, but when on the story together, everything falls apart!"

"No, Alice, I presume a suspension will be enough." Cullen offered a box of tissues to Alice, as though that would clean up the black mess on her face thoroughly. "But I suppose this is a lesson for next time."

"I agree, boss. Never let the brothers on the same story again." Alice wiped as much of the ink off her face as she could with every tissue in the box before returning to supervise the daily edition.

Slowly, Cullen sat as his desk and made himself a note: two Longs don't make a write-up.

[WC: 411; Regrets: 0]

Hey Rest!

I really like the air of confidence you had going here. At first, we don't actually know what the article/story is about. And I quite liked that. I liked that Ted was more interested in getting a beer and relaxing over something as important as the article that was set to publish.

Because once we do learn what the article is about, that air of confidence only sticks around and it allows us to see Ted in a new light.

I also really liked how you described Ted's surroundings here. The heat, the insects and of course, how Ted is feeling during all of this. Really builds up his character.

I do have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> The aircon was fighting a losing battle but better than standing out there.

I think this bit could be reworded a bit. "...fighting a losing battle but it was better than nothing." maybe?

> Even through the window I could hear the cacophony; bugs waiting in ambush. I called her back.

Here, does he disconnect the call? was under the impression that the call was still going the entire time. Or was this a transfer from the car's calling feature to his phone? If so, maybe specifying that could help.

> I think attractive girls selling watermelon by the roadside is a worthy cause,

A small thing here. "watermelons" (plural) may be what you're looking for.

One final thing: The ending. It just felt a bit vague to me. I liked the mention of the beer again, reinforcing that confidence and disinterest one final time. But the bit about the report gets me. What does "Gail let me take a more liberal stance" mean here? What did she let him do? Was he promoted? Did she let him do as he saw best without much questioning? Just bits like that.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

> She kept telling riddles referencing a battle royale game.

YOU.

Thanks, Fye!

He's definitely an oddball.

...Subject Zero is really odd, isn't he?

Hi Blu!

Excellent suggestion; I flipped that structure around like you recommended :) I'm definitely going to start re-reading after significant edits/cuts (that word limit is a cruel mistress xD) It reads much better now IMO.

I'm so glad that you're enjoying Bea showing up ^u^ Expect tons more of her :P

I will.

“N-nothing?”

“Nothing.” He reiterated. “Your technology and capabilities are far too primitive to stave off a Star Eater.

“So what’s the point in telling me—us all this?”

He shrugged. “Would you rather perish without knowing the reason? At least you’d have time to say goodbye to your loved ones.”

“Wait. That’s it? That’s your only purpose here? To just inform us and… leave?”

“Pretty much. This is why I like you, Agent Lee. You’re less stubborn.”

“The feeling isn’t mutual.”

“I know.”

“Can’t you, like, use your magic or something?”

“I could…”

“Then—”

“...but why?”

“Huh?” She definitely did not expect that question.

“You humans… Not only are you killing off your own kind, but you’re killing off your own planet as well.”

“Well—”

“You’re all humans but you discriminate based on skin color? Hell, even right now, things are all messed up. You have wealthy humans running off of greed and just ruining everything. You’re hindering your own evolution, you know.”

She couldn’t answer. Could she even refute him? What he said was true but… “Isn’t it unfair to judge us for that? We are capable of more, we—”

“—shot at me after I got rid of your enemies. You didn’t even know there were traitors in your midst.”

“That’s right! We didn’t know! For us, it was self defense.”

“You tried to take me down when I surrendered myself peacefully.”

“You appeared out of nowhere! This is a secret location. You could be a threat!”

“I still am.”

“...”

“That’s why you ‘detained’ me as Subject Zero, isn’t it? You humans are destructive creatures. You destroy everything around you and yourselves.”

“We’re capable of more than that.”

“I believe you. But you are rare. People like you are far too few to save this doomed world.”

She wanted to believe it wasn’t true. Majority of the people suffer for the greed of the few. But even in that majority, it was hard to find good people. Most just look out for themselves. Trust was hard to build up. Hope was a scarcity. It’s why one small act of kindness is enough to give hope to some people. That was how low people’s faith in humanity was.

“Tell you what,” he spoke. “I can at least save you and maybe a couple more people. A few of the good ones. Find a nice world where you can thrive. Something like that. Don’t worry about those outside. Right now, they can’t hear nor understand what we’re talking about.”

She pondered for a while but… “No.”

“Pardon?”

“No. There’s no point in surviving like that. All I’d be doing is leaving the rest of humanity to die. I can’t live with that burden.”

He smiled and nodded. “See. This is why I like you, Agent Lee. You’re one of the good ones.”

A miniature sun appeared on the table. From afar, a leech-like creature can be seen wriggling towards it. Subject Zero grabbed the creature. It burst into flames, emitting a piercing screech as its life was snuffed out.

“There.”

“J-Just like that?”

“Just like that.” He nodded. “This is the seventh world I’ve been in. You’re the first to ever make this decision.”

He stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles. “I’d love to take you out for dinner but I need to go. At the very least, allow me to extend some protection to you and your family. Not everyone out there is as good of a person as you.”

He snapped his fingers and disappeared with a pop. Indeed, just like that. No explanation. No sense of closure. Nothing.

“I really don’t like him at all,” she sighed.

For some reason, even though this is 7k characters, reddit was saying it was 10k characters.

I went a bit flexible with the destroying part.

“Subject Zero, was it?”

“Eh… close enough.”

“I’m here to—”

“I know.”

Agent Lee’s brow furrowed. Of all the tasks assigned to her, it had to be this one. She dressed professionally. She was prepared for the hardest interrogation subject.

But not this one.

The moment she entered the interrogation room, her cheek twitched. Black slacks. Blue shirt. Unkempt hair. Leather shoes. For a detained subject, he dressed pretty nicely. Not that they could control it, even if they wanted to. He didn’t like the orange jumpsuit. When they tried to hold him down, several officers were hospitalized. It was a wonder why he surrendered himself in the first place.

Subject Zero. No name nor records. He was ‘found’ during one of the covert rescue missions. The mission was going well until the team was ambushed by enemy force.

Subject Zero appeared and mowed down soldiers and vehicles. He had some sort of supernatural strength and power. After that, he attacked and killed several allied units. The team responded with deadly force to no avail. Most of them were wiped out including the hostages.

It was later found out that those allied units were leaking intel to the enemy. The hostages were bait and disguised enemies. When Subject Zero surrendered himself, it caused quite the commotion. After all, he came knocking on their doorstep. The complete secrecy of the location made it absurd. When asked for his reasons, he simply said he was bored.

Getting answers from him was easy. It was understanding those answers that was difficult. He claimed to be immortal and proficient in magic. He always had anecdotes and stories. He liked to brag about his conquest of goddesses and celestial beings alike.

“So… uh, Subject Zero,” Agent Lee coughed. “It’s rare for you to request an interrogation.

“Well, it was a fun way to pass the time.” He leaned back comfortably.

A groan. Several interactions with Subject Zero made her weary. Agent Lee was open in showing her dissatisfaction. Her honesty actually amused him so she didn’t care about pleasantries.

“Tell me, what’s so fun about it?”

“The way you try to understand my words. You can’t believe it but you can’t disprove it either.”

A lot of people were skeptical about magic. But they saw him open up a portal. He went and purchased some food then closed the portal.

He said something about using illusory magic to mess with cognition. The people on the other side of the portal wouldn’t notice anything strange. Just a man trying to buy food.

When asked why he didn’t use it on the agents in the facility, he just shrugged. He said it was one way for them to believe him. He wanted to be seen by them.

“What’s so different this time around?” She inquired.

He fixed his slouch, sitting up in a proper posture and leaning forward.

“Your world is about to end, unfortunately.”

She stared at him, analyzing his expression, twitches, eye movements, everything. He was known to mess around with agents and pass things off as a joke.

One time, he changed one of the agents’ genders on a whim. Or maybe not. That seemed to make the agent really happy as they’ve been on medication for that. He said it was his thanks for keeping him company.

This time was different. He seemed serious. There was no trace of mischief on his facade.

“How exactly?”

He sighed and started to explain the concept of Star Eaters. The name alone was easy to get the context of. Planet-sized beings that feed on stars for sustenance. One was heading towards the Sun.

Agent Lee waited for the punchline. She waited for his ‘just kidding’. There was none. Instead of asking for more proof, she decided otherwise. Instead, she placed herself in a mental state of assuming everything he said was true.

“What can we do about it?”

“Nothing.”

Actually, you did great. I'm a pacifist, but wasn't always. Even if I had a good reason, it never feels good when I feel it's necessary to hurt someone. It's a failure that it got to that point in the first place. It's almost worse when a would-be victim thanks you; I don't want to be thanked for hurting someone. Even if I know, rationally, that it was to protect someone else.

Also, you might want to watch your autocorrect: I think it must have changed "Shahid" to "Rashid" once in your comment.