Recent comments in /f/WritingPrompts

BboyLotus t1_jdhhq9t wrote

Reply to [WP] No one courts death like a human. They eat food that evolved to be toxic, ingest known poison for recreation, engage in potentially lethal sport for fun, and have an incredibly high risk tolerance. On the galactic stage they are feared, admired, and generally considered crazy. by SeriousGoofball

Admiral Baker, recently promoted from Five Star General of the Earth Alliance Fleet, due the fleets participation in the Oolan K'gree conflict. A relatively small conflict in the Alpha-1-12 system. Where a K'gree warfleet attempted to seize Oolan colonies that built their first moon settlements.

The Galactic council hesitated and deliberated heavily before allowing the Humans to intervene in that conflict. As the K'gree had only plans of capturing the settlements for themselves. And we're not fully hostile towards the Oolan. But the Oolan gave reports of temporary hostages being taken. And even a report that the K'gree threatened to change the beautiful art and architecture the Oolan erected, due to the differences in opinion about beauty between the two species.

The Human EAF fleet was nearby on one of their exercises. And we're called into action. The K'gree were amused when they saw the warning messages flare up on the main screens of their battle cruisers. But they're amusement and mocking grins quickly dropped when Admiral Baker, then general, appeared on screen. They only heard stories of the Humans and their barbaric ways. Aggron, the K'gree high commander, quickly assured the General that he will see a full K'gree retreat from colonies Theta 1, 2 and 3. But asserted firmly, with a slight tremble of fear in his long ears. That the K'gree will take colony Delta 5. The art there is so atrocious that it must be changed The high commander thought.

The battle for the liberation of Delta 5 was a swift and decisive victory for the EAF. After three K'gree battleships were lost to a single squadron of EAF scout ships. The K'gree scattered and retreated immediately to their home planet. And the Oolan could continue to peacefully work on their colonies. With an EAF patrol and defense force, checking on that system periodically from here on out. The K'gree would never dare to return.

The Oolan gracefully and enthusiastically invited Admiral Baker and his party of close lieutenants that participated in the battle. For a celebratory feast honoring the liberation, and the General's promotion. The Oolan, humanoid in appearance, with breathing holes in their foreheads instead of a nose. And slightly purple skin. Could share a atmosphere to humans. And shared a relatively similar diet, although their species was purely vegetarian. They were happy to host this feast on colony Delta 5. Now a booming settlement.

Admiral Baker and four lieutenants beamed down to the dining hall entrance. And were greeted by an Oolan welcoming party.

Princess Ateena extended her had upwards in a peaceful greeting and stepped forward to welcome them personally, after the Language Interpretation and Translation devices of the Humans clicked into action. "Greetings and salutations fellow brethren of the Galactic council, I, Princess Ateena Amoutala the third, welcome you to our humble colony that was saved from the K'gree, thanks to your courageous efforts. I apologize for the atmosphere quality, we've yet to fully terraform this moon. We hope the air is not too difficult to breath"

Baker and his party were breathing the freshest and purest air they'd ever had the pleasure of taking in. Like fresh morning air, from the mountains back on earth.

"Nonsense, nonsense Princess, the air is fresh and splendid" said Baker. And the lieutenants murmured in agreement "We're honored to visit you again, in times peace now. And on behalf of my crew, I am thankful for this feast you have arranged for us." The General and the Princess continued to exchange pleasantries. Meanwhile John and Sergei, two of the lieutenants, stepped outside the dining hall and onto the balcony to have a smoke. As they puffed away discussing the peculiar landscape. An Oolan architect stepped outside aswell. As soon a whiff of smoke entered one of his air holes. He became dizzy and lightheaded. He put his three fingered hands on the rail to stabilize himself as he nearly collapsed. The lieutenants saw this and quickly put out their cigarettes. "What is... That..." Ampon the architect mumbled. "Oh we're very sorry" said John. "We were just having a smoke, we should have known better". "I... I think I am about to collapse..." Ampon's legs were trembling and he could barely stand. "Having... A smoke? You... Willingly inhale those.... Those fumes?" Sergei laughed "haha yeah, some humans like to smoke, it's relaxing although quite addicting unfortunately". "Re... relaxing? I am about to puke" Ampon tensed, and vomited while hunched over the railing. John went to get him some water. After a while Ampon regained his composure, but was still feeling quite weak.

"Apologies, us Oolan are not accustomed to such toxic fumes". "Oh you have nothing to apologize for" Said Sergei. " We should have known better and went somewhere outside." He said, as he pulled a small clear flask of vodka from his jacket, and took a quick swig. "Is that water?" Asked Ampon, thirsty for some relief. "No it's vodka" Sergei smiled. "John went to get some water for you" I see, said Ampon, staring at the liquid curiously. " It looks just like water." "Here" Sergei moved the flask close to Ampon's forehead so he could smell it. Hesitant, he breathed in gently. And quickly recoiled backwards. "Oh goodness, it smells like ethanol! We use it to power our waterborne crafts. How can you drink that poison and live?!" Sergei laughed and took another swig. "It's quite common and popular on Earth, it burns a little at first but you get used to it. It liberates the spirits... And makes one feel... How should I say it, happy and relaxed." Sergei smiled. Unbelievable Ampon thought. "You humans astound and terrify me." Consuming these substances would surely incapacitate, and probably bring about the swift end of any Oolan I know" Ampon was saying, as John had just arrived with a glass of water. "There you go sir, we apologize for the inconveniences". "Oh thank you" Said ampon before quickly drinking the water and feeling much better.

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oliverjsn8 t1_jdheu9j wrote

Reply to comment by [deleted] in [WP] Last week you found an old sword in a box. When the blade was unsheathed it spoke to you, recounting its history. It declared you bearer of the mythical talking sword of Babel, and that you are bound together until death. Unfortunately, the sword is incredibly irritating and won’t shut up. by DiRumgega

“Who knew that I would only reform, when melted in a forage. The list includes: me, your great great grandfather and now you.”

You look down at the glowing red sword that is a very uncomfortably 5 feet from your person.

“As I am currently at over 1000 F you cannot touch me without sever burns.”

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oliverjsn8 t1_jdhd9p6 wrote

Reply to [WP] Last week you found an old sword in a box. When the blade was unsheathed it spoke to you, recounting its history. It declared you bearer of the mythical talking sword of Babel, and that you are bound together until death. Unfortunately, the sword is incredibly irritating and won’t shut up. by DiRumgega

“Hey listen, swords are not a TSA approved carry on items” You hear the all too familiar voice come from your side. JustShutUpAlready the mighty legendary sword hangs from a belt at your side. It is bound to you and has to be in a five foot radius of your person at all times. You see that there is no next button on the YouTube video so there will be a second ad after the one for visiting Ireland. “That is an advertisement you son of a b——.”

“Son of a b—— isn’t my name, it’s JustShutUpAlready. The name my maker, your great great grandfather, gave me before passing away.”

You think to yourself, why didn’t I learn Gaelic that way I could have read the warning on that box.

“You do not have a car so you do not need to ‘Select your own coverage’.” Said JustShutUpAlready.

You seriously consider using the sword to slice your own throat but hold off… again. You see the skip ad button and click it.

A cheery man with a big round gut starts to speak. “I’m going to show you how to smelt metal…”

JustShutUpAlready speaks up. “Metal melts when you… oh…”

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Remarkable-Youth-504 t1_jdhc88o wrote

Reply to comment by Remarkable-Youth-504 in [WP] No one courts death like a human. They eat food that evolved to be toxic, ingest known poison for recreation, engage in potentially lethal sport for fun, and have an incredibly high risk tolerance. On the galactic stage they are feared, admired, and generally considered crazy. by SeriousGoofball

Part 2:

The meeting continued. Shortly into the meeting, Joe put his legs on the table. A few more nbuurhh fainted when the system identified that his shoes were made from the hide of a 18 foot long apex predator.

Joe remained nonchalant, reclining in his chair and occasionally taking sips of the ethanol in his flask.

The nbuurhh repeated their demands. Although this time, quite meekly.

When it was his turn to speak, the human sat up. His eyes were now quite red. For a moment, he collected his thoughts, then directly addressed the High-emperor: “Mister, sorry I forgot your name…”

The prime-minister was up in arms: “High-emperor Chzuu’rbb, and you will address his majesty by the right honorifics!!”

“The Chung-what now? Sorry too complicated, I’m just gonna call you Xander, Xan for short”

While the Nbuurhh were completely shocked into silence, the human continued:

“Look here, Xan my man, I honestly do not give a shit about what you do to the seed world. I do not care at all about what you do, and I give less than a shit about the Nbuurhh.”

“However, I am here to do a job, so I will do my job.”

“Here is what I offer: Nothing”

The nbuurhh in the room shuffled nervously. They couldn’t believe their ears, but they also didn’t know how to respond to the human.

“We offer you nothing.” reiterated the human, “you will withdraw from the seed world, submit to the galactic authority, and pay reparations for this affront.”

“Or, you can do none of that, do as you wish, and the human fleet will grind the entire star system of Nbuurhh to the dust.”

Here Joe paused for dramatic effect, took out a piece of chewing tobacco from his pouch, and bit into it. A few more of the Nbuurhh fainted.

Chewing on the tobacco, his voice now coming out in a deeper drawl, the human continued: “Do you know how many weapons we have in storage that are nearing expiry? Our war games and weapons testing don’t even put a dent in the stockpiles, and the galaxy’s avowed principle of pacifism means that the only time we get to use those beauties is when we have fuckers like you.”

Dropping his voice to a whisper, he continued: “Raytheon and Lockheed will probably pay me a trillion credits each if this negotiation falls through.”

Joe then brought his face very close to the high-emperor’s, as if he was letting them in on a secret: “Personally, I do hope we get to fight. I’ve always wondered what you guys taste like.” He then flashed a smile that could only be defined as predatory.

While the entire room reeled from the effect of processing what the human had said, Joe got up, and without a second thought, started walking out.

Just before walking out, Joe turned back, and said: “Xan, my man, do not take too long to make your decision, or the decision will be made for you. My offer of ‘Nothing’ stands only as long as I am in orbit around this planet.” He accentuated this by spitting out the chewed tobacco on the floor of the sacred negotiating chamber.

The nbuurhh delegation, still too shocked to respond, followed the human back to his starship. Just before boarding, the human turned back, sporting his predatory smile again, said: “I reaallly hope y’all don’t take up my offer”, and winked.

Then he was gone.

***************************************************^^

On stardate 107.467.77.08777, the Nbuurhh unconditionally removed their weapons of mass destruction, withdrew from the seed world, and submitted to the galactic authority for integration and judgement.

Their one request? No humans be allowed into their sector.

Far away in another corner of the galaxy, Urkignf was watching news of the Nbuurhh capitulation while brewing coffee.

She finished making the coffee, walked back to her cubicle and offered a cup to her colleague, who was extremely hungover.

Her colleague sipped the coffee and let a satisfied “Aah” out.

“Another one bites the dust. How many does this make it?”

“12 out of 12, I think.”

Urkignf waited until her friend finished his coffee (with many slurps), the continued: “Are you ever gonna let them know that your dad retired and moved back to Texas?”

“No, never” replied the human.

“So you are gonna continue to pretend to be “Joe the American?””

“Hey, I am Joe! Joe jr! And I’d have you know I am a full citizen of the United States of America, with voting rights and such!”

“Gotcha” said Urkignf and went back to her work.

Joe Bradbury, Jr. , continued observing her with interest for a few moments, before speaking up again:

“Hey Urkignf, how would you feel about going out to the new sgbyuf place this weekend for food and drinks, just you and me?”

Flashing his best smile, Joe continued: “In earth , we call this ‘a date’.”

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AutoModerator t1_jdha9fa wrote

Reply to [WP] Last week you found an old sword in a box. When the blade was unsheathed it spoke to you, recounting its history. It declared you bearer of the mythical talking sword of Babel, and that you are bound together until death. Unfortunately, the sword is incredibly irritating and won’t shut up. by DiRumgega

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dragonadamant t1_jdh8lz2 wrote

Reply to comment by Gru-some in [WP] A man struggles to adopt a nocturnal lifestyle for his vampire girlfriend. A woman is heartbroken to lock up her werewolf fiancee every full moon. A child says goodbye to their mermaid friend because the river is too polluted. These are the untold stories of an urban fantasy world. by SomeSortOfUser

Some "game deals" accounts make that joke all the time when this game comes up. :P

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