"Hey Silas."

The demon knight nodded at his cohort as he walked into the throne room. "S'up Liam. What's all this about?"

At the center of the room, the Devil was arguing with a woman who, despite being half his height and lacking the mighty horns and hellfire he had, was getting quite snippy with him. She pointed a finger in the Devil's face and yelled, "What's the point of telling people they can choose what happens to them down here if you're gonna be a whiny bitch and veto my thing?!"

The Devil unleashed a torrent of insults wildly unfit for polite conversation in response. Over by the wall, the Devil's daughter Lilith was munching on fried chicken as she watched the situation unfold. Liam chuckled quietly before saying, "Alright, so get this: Tanya, the human over there, was about to choose her punishment when Lilith wandered into the room looking for her bunny."

Silas sighed. "Belphegor got out again?"

"Yeah, I know, the thing's a damn escape artist. Anyway, Tanya took a look at Lilith, and immediately blurted out that she wanted to be her lover. The boss freaked out and pulled her aside so he could try and convince Lilith to be Tanya's punishment. But Lilith wasn't down for that, cause you know, there's not a whole lot of potential partners in a place where you're royalty and she thought Tanya was cute, so now it's escalated into... this."

Liam gestured at Tanya and the Devil, the former of which had started pelvic thrusting for some reason. As the latter covered his eyes and Lilith cackled with a mouthful of poultry, Silas remarked, "Betcha fifty bucks Tanya wins the argument."

Liam grinned. "Make it a hundred."

"Deal."

EIGHT YEARS LATER

It was a momentous day in the Hereafter. Five years ago to the day, the revolutionaries Tanya and Lilith Hubert brought down the Devil and ended the millennia-long war between demons and angels. With their help, the celestial bureaucracy came under the governance of a democratically elected collective of overseers, ensuring the fairest possible judgement for the newly departed. And with travel between Heaven and Hell now possible, both realms flourished from the influx of visitors and the freedom to move between the two as one desired.

Among the royal gardens, Tanya and Lilith were celebrating Unity Day how they always did: a picnic with their wife Jubael of the angels and their daughters Hope and Joy. As the happy family enjoyed their sandwiches and snuggled up together by the pond, Silas and Liam walked by, in the process of making their rounds. Once the two were out of earshot, Silas asked, "This means I won the bet, right?"

Liam scoffed. "It's been eight years, and you seriously think I've been holding on to a hundred dollars just for that?" Silas shrugged, prompting Liam to sigh and slap the money into his open palm. "There. You Happy?"

Silas counted the money and nodded. "Oh yeah. We happy."

Wonder if he makes it...

haha, nice!

Thanks :) I've posted part 2

I'm so glad. Thank you :) I've posted part 2 - hope you enjoy

Thanks for waiting! I've posted part 2. Hope you enjoy.

An imp wearing a suit and tie greeted me upon reaching hell, bowing in a deferential manner that caught me off guard.

The place looked completely different from what I expected. It was a fancy room, almost like an opulent hotel lobby, with golden walls and jeweled furniture that would make even the richest person on Earth seem humble. I wouldn't have even known it was hell if the imp hadn't told me. When I told him there had to be a mistake, since I clearly didn't belong here, the imp uttered a raspy laugh and gave me a thumbs up, cheerfully saying:

"You'll fit right in!"

I didn't know how to react so I just followed him in silence. The imp led me through a crowd of elegant-looking people that seemed to be having a good time. I assumed they were demons at first because their conversations sounded too gleeful for hell. They kept gossiping about couples cheating on each other and all the crazy shenanigans they did at parties. The longer I heard them, though, the more they sounded fake, using that particular type of humorless laughter people do at a parties to fit in. None of them were even listening to each other. It was as if they were just waiting for their turn to speak, eager to say what's on their mind even if it isn't related to the conversation.

After the imp ushered me into an elevator, we went up several floors and down a hallway, entering a huge office with panoramic windows in the background. This view seemed more in line with what I expected from hell. A vast field of brimstone stretched to the horizon, filled with pillars of lava that reached out to a permanently cloudy sky. Rivers of blood and bloated corpses carved the land in a serpentine fashion, with horrifying creatures eating thousands of humans along the way. The few people who eluded the monsters were too busy fighting other humans over scraps of food.

What didn't make sense was that I was witnessing all this from the comfort of a CEO's office. It even had air conditioning. The imp had left me alone in the room, but I didn't feel comfortable walking around, so I just sat in a chair in front of the desk. A few minutes later, a ridiculously attractive man entered the office. He had a tailored suit, perfectly coifed hair, and a beautiful smile. His eyes, however, were a vivid shade of crimson, which almost prepared me for when he introduced himself as Lucifer.

I blinked in disbelief, unable to speak.

"Yeah," said Lucifer, sitting across the desk from me, "I usually get that reaction."

"Look, I don't want to offend you or anything, but something's wrong here. I don't think I belong in hell."

Lucifer chuckled. "Right..."

"I'm not lying!"

Lucifer raised his hands, acting defensive with a cheeky smile. "I didn't say otherwise."

"You implied it."

Lucifer shrugged. "Okay, then. If you're so virtuous, what did you do while alive to prove this?" His face grew dark for a second. "Are you suggesting Father made a mistake?"

I pursed my lips, remembering I was speaking to the devil himself. He could probably crush me if he felt like it. I took a deep breath and said:

"I wasn't a saint back on Earth, I get that, but isn't this a little extreme? I wasn't a bad person either."

Lucifer made a curious glance. "Why are you under the impression this is extreme? Are you being tortured right now?"

I paused. "Well, no, but-"

"Then what's the problem?"

"I... Uh... Huh."

"Yup. Most people just assume I'm here to punish them, and I used to, but I'm over my anger. It was unnecessary. I'm better off just letting you choose."

I squinted. "Choose?"

Lucifer nodded. "You get to choose what happens to you in hell. If you feel you deserved better, then just say it and I will accommodate. There's plenty of room in Pandemonium for all of your desires."

I took a moment to let his words sink in, then said:

"This is too good to be true. What's the catch?"

"No catch. In fact-" Lucifer snapped his fingers. The imp then entered the office and handed me a drink. "Try it," said Lucifer, "you won't regret it."

I narrowed my eyes for a moment, suspicious. It couldn't be poison since I was already dead. Both Lucifer and the imp pressured me with their eyes into trying it. Then, after sipping it, I realized it was the greatest coke and rum I had ever tasted. I almost finished the drink in one gulp and felt a nice buzz all over my body.

"See?" said Lucifer. "Great, right?"

I was tempted to agree, but something still didn't feel right. I pointed behind Lucifer, at the panoramic view of hell, and said:

"So you're telling me all those people getting eaten... They're choosing to be eaten?"

"In a way, yes."

I arched an eyebrow. "How...?"

"It doesn't matter; don't worry about it. The point is you can have anything you want here. Food, drugs, luxury cars, gladiatorial arenas, threesomes and orgies. Anything you can imagine and more. What else could you want?"

"An answer," I said. "Which you keep dodging. Why do these people feel the need to have all this? Doesn't it get boring?"

Lucifer glanced away. "It happens to some."

"Is that how they end up out there?"

"In a way..."

I frowned. Internally, I was terrified of pressing further, but I did my best to hide it. None of this was right. Lucifer mentioned he was angry at humanity, but he didn't say he forgave us or anything. Only that his rage was unnecessary. Why would that be? Because he processed his emotions in a healthy manner? Bullshit. This was his revenge. All the people I saw in the lobby were miserable, but lying to themselves about it. Then it hit me. The solution was obvious in hindsight.

"I can have anything I want, right?"

Lucifer smiled. "Anything."

"Then I want my hell to be a heaven."

Lucifer instantly dropped his smile.

"What?" I asked. "Can't do it?"

Lucifer shook his head. "Do whatever you want. If you want to be in heaven, then just go."

I titled my head, confused. "Really?"

Lucifer gestured at the panorama of hell. "There's the road."

"Wait... all the people out there..."

"Are fools who chase heaven."

I scoffed. "And you unleash those monsters to stop them?"

"Nah, I don't lift a finger. You see, you were right. People do get bored of hedonism. And when they realize they can't get anymore pleasure, they turn to cruelty instead."

I hung my head. "If they can't be happy, then nobody can..."

"Exactly. So they turn into monsters, eating those who seek heaven. That's why I don't have to do anything. If I provide you with everything you desire, you'll torture each other when it isn't enough."

"W-why are you telling me this? Shouldn't you be keeping this a secret?"

Lucifer chuckled. "It doesn't matter. Once people see how horrifying the road is, they spend a century mulling it over. This place is comfortable. You don't even know how bad the heat gets out there. Go ahead, try to leave and see what happens."

I didn't think twice about it. I immediately left the office and headed to the exit, where I could see the fiery landscape ahead. As soon as I opened the door, however, a scorching wind burnt off my eyebrows. I had to flinch back and close it.

Lucifer cackled behind me. "What's the matter? Just choose heaven. Isn't it better there?"

The crowd behind him erupted with laughter.

I wanted to give up right there. They all treated Lucifer like a rockstar, and the fallen angel was more than happy to play along. It was disgusting. These were the people I would have to tolerate if I wanted to stay. More than that, I couldn't help but feel sorry for Lucifer. He really seemed to value their attention, even if he couldn't admit it. This wasn't some elaborate form of payback against humanity. Keeping everyone stuck here was a coping mechanism for his loneliness.

And I refused to be a part of it. That epiphany made my decision easier. I simply braced myself for the pain, pushed the door open, and chose paradise instead.

>If you enjoyed this, check out more of my stories over at /r/WeirdEmoKidStories. Thanks for reading!

[deleted]

Contrary to what has been predicted, Hell has 139 unique levels of punishment. The rules that apply to these levels are meticulously audited by a rotating panel of Demons. For especially complex scenarios, Lucifer is consulted, though this route is preferred by none involved.

The Karmatic Score achieved during life determines level placement upon death. On occasion there are scores that place a human at the border of two levels, but in these instances the lower level is always applied, as there have to be cutoffs, and exceptions are slippery slopes.

Those placed at the higher levels experience relatively mundane existences. At level 11, for example, residents are allowed to feel contentment, but not true joy or elation. They may request books to read, but they must only be books they have read before, and must be stories they found to just be alright.

At the lower levels, 122 for example, residents must always be in discomfort or agony, though they may choose what provides this experience. One resident may prefer listening to a single bothersome song for eons while only drinking vinegar. Another may choose to be scorched incessantly by the eternal fires.

Most levels allow advancement, but the lower a resident finds themselves the more difficult mobility becomes. The higher levels often see residents advance into the lower leagues of Heaven, though this is a two way street, as residents of Heaven can work their way into being relegated to Hell.

At level 87, a resident can advance to level 86 only if they go without craving pleasure for a determined period of time. Even a single thought of "I sure would enjoy a doughnut" is enough to restart the process.

In one unique case, a resident of level 139 (it is likely you can guess the few individuals that made their way there) made his way all the way up to level 1; thought this was simply a clever punishment, as once he caught a glimpse of Heaven he was immediately sent back down to level 139.

Randall Frig died by slipping on a frozen patch of iced coffee - coffee he had dumped out the day before - while walking to his car. During his 40 years of life he had been mediocre in his cruelty. Once he had kicked his neighbor's dog for digging in his flower beds. Yet, one year prior to that incident, he had successfully raised funds for his grandmother's surgery; though he had then spent a considerable amount of time considering keeping the funds himself. He often cursed out waiters, parked his car in two spaces, threw trash on the ground even though he was nearing a trashcan. Yet sometimes he would give a stranger directions, or smile at a barista and say thank you, or really listen to someones problem without interrupting.

The largest deduction to Randall's Karmatic Score came when he crashed his car into another, injuring the neck of the other driver, then fled the scene. He was never found by police, and never felt guilt, only relief. This significantly contributed to his placement on level 19.

On level 19 he could talk to other residents, but only about work, and never about hobbies or interests. He could listen to music, but only at a volume barely audible. If he felt joy for more than a fleeting moment, he would receive a punishment equal to that experience of happiness.

He had once reached level 16, but was sent back to 19 when he felt prolonged pride and arrogance with his achievement. Randall often tried to think of loopholes, but doing so often brought him enjoyment, which then led to punishment. Eventually, Randall stumbled upon a loophole by accident. Instead of being excited by the potential of a loophole, he began to feel fearful of discovering one. This fear allowed him to think of loopholes more often, which led to his realization that this was itself a loophole.

He began to watch his favorite movies, but would allowed himself to be fearful that enjoying his favorite movies would lead to punishment. This allowed him to enjoy the movie, while simultaneously being terrified that he was enjoying it. He applied this formula to conversations with other residents; eating his favorite foods; procuring sexual experiences he had fantasized about during life.

Randall Frig's system worked for a considerable period of time, but only because the debate surrounding the method by the panel of Demons was arduous. Finally, with consulting from Lucifer, it was decreed that feeling unsatisfied as a means to obtain satisfaction was prohibited.

Though Randall's loophole was sealed, he was promoted to level 11, as a reward for helping the Demons improve upon their systems and procedures.

Short and really sweet!
Gruelia tho isn't a word, watch your typos.
Can we have a continuation?

...ew. That last guy got it BAD!

I stared at my impossibly long task list, the requests numbering into the millions. It was tedious, mind-numbing work I was punished to do for all eternity. Dad, I hate you for this. I just baited a young woman into eating some fruit and now I am stuck here.

"I want to be rich! To be swimming in gold" came request #49383892 on my screen.

"Mammon, drop that sucker a big fucking pile of gold. Make sure it crushes him," I gave the order and chuckled a little as I watch the hapless mortal scream as he disappeared beneath the massive pile of gold dropped over his head.

That's just how I ease the boredom, I fuck these fools up who think they gonna get it good just because daddy up in heaven changed the rules to let humans choose what happens to them, and removed all limitations. I'm like some kind of fucking jerkass genie in a lamp, compelled to grant wishes while having the power to really make them regret those wishes.

"I want to live in the lap of luxury!"

With a waggle of my finger, I turned that bitch into a lap dog forever glued to the lap of a golden statue. Another one of those "get rich and get pampered" requests. Boring shit. I picked up programming recently so I could run my own analysis into these requests, and I fucking swear, 70% of them are all about luxury and pampering.

"I want expensive hearty meals! Eat good food all day!"

Lazy fucker. Couldn't he just call delivery? You only get one shot at choosing what you want in hell and you just want to eat? I much prefer reading the hilariously grandiose wishes, it made it all that much more fun to twist them. Maybe that human was hoping a simple wish would be harder for me to get creative, but I had to try.

May you always be served with expensive, but expired bear hearts, and may your beer always be warm and stale. Bon appetit.

Geez, just how bad are those latrines? XD

"I'd like to join the workforce, please. Can I be one of those big guys with the whips? Pitchforks are cool, but I'm really more of a whip man myself."

"You do realize that there's no working off your damnation down here, right?" The devil said, casting a scrutinizing eye down on the new arrival.

"Oh, yeah, that's totally fine. I want to volunteer." The eager young man seemed unafraid in these surroundings which often broke the damned within moments. Something about him made Satan's crimson prick perk up.

"Volunteer? Really? I mean, I've got demons for that kind of stuff..."

"C'mon... Please? I'm a great torturer! That's actually why I'm here."

"Hmm," the devil pondered the vicious little creature, aware that sadists were generally harder to destroy, the will of their ego being stronger than your average petty blasphemer. "Okay, I'm going to give you a shot..."

The devil motioned for the man to speak his name, and he excitedly did. It was Dave.

"Dave, you're gonna work for me," Dave the torturer began jumping up and down in celebration, yelling Satan's praises. The devil waved a hand and suddenly Dave was unable to speak, his mouth sealing over. "Don't blow your load quite yet… You're going to have to work your way up to it. I know you want to be a demonic torturer, but I need my staff to prove themselves worthy first…"

"I will do whatever you ask of me, my Dark Lord…" Dave whispered reverently, bowing before the throne. 

"Alright, alright... take it down a notch, will you? First things first. Go scrub all the latrines in the demon barracks. That should take a while. Do not return until it is done…"

That was 14000 years ago, and Dave is still in the demon barracks, scrubbing away in the vain hope that one day the job will be done, and that he'll finally be allowed to whip some people…

[removed]

The hull loomed large in his cockpit windows, ashen gray instead of the stark white the initial images led him to expect. Unsure if it was a characteristic of the ship or his imagination playing tricks on him Jackson couldn't find a single seam or rivet holding the hull together. It was perfectly smooth as far as he could tell.

He had a moment of panic when he realized that whatever was controlling his ship was going to crash it into the hull. When an iris silently bloomed open, Jackson let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"I don' think there is a course in the academy on what to do when you're being abducted by a strange alien vessel." Jackson spoke out loud to himself, attempting to find something to ground him in this bizarre experience.

Moments later the scout slipped inside the portal to reveal a small bay bathed in cool blue light. Strange equipment, well he guessed they were equipment by their placement near an obvious landing pad, littered the deck. Many shared the same gray as the hull, just as eerily smooth and devoid of markings as well. With a small thud the scout ship landed in the bay. Just like a regular landing Jackson could feel the ship sink into it's landing struts, feeling foolish for expecting something alien to happen instead.

"What the fek. This whole situation has me on edge and my mind is running wild. Grounded, I need to get grounded." Taking a deep breath Jackson did something that helped him get through the academy and several tough campaigns against foreign nations. He sang. He sang a song with a haunting melody his mom sang to him when he was little. Whenever Jackson had a sensory overload episode his mom would sing this song to focus his mind and tune out everything else. It grounded him in ways nothing else could.

In a way, the song was fitting as it was about an old wet navy sailor in times of wind sails setting off for distant horizons. Not for fame, nor fortune. No, the sailor in the song was pulled by a force he couldn't explain, a yearning of his soul and his heart. Jackson attributed his service as a pilot to this song, but unlike the sailor at the end of the song, Jackson had yet to fill his yearning. Losing system after system to the Ascendant Jackson secretly had lost hope that he would ever fulfill his yearning.

Jackson finished the song, the final note fading into the cockpit. He may not have found his yearning like the sailor, but in a way Jackson did find the shore once again. Grounded, spirit bolstered, he reached for the cockpit release. Before he touched the controls the canopy opened on its own, gracefully swinging out of the way.

"You have a beautiful voice." Jacksons heart leapt into his throat.

"Wh-who's there?" frantically Jackson searched around the bay for the source of the voice, finding none.

"It was a beautiful song, too. Could you sing it for me again, sometime?" Thousands of hours in a flight helmet had given Jackson plenty of practice in hearing past the echo chamber it created, able to pinpoint sounds with resounding accuracy. But this voice didn't have a single source, it came from everywhere around him.

"Uh, maybe? It really depends on who you are, what is this ship, and what is going to happen to me?" Jackson's inner child did a small fist pump, score one for rational thought!

"Come, Casey Jackson, call sign Geode. Exit your craft. You have my assurances you are safe and will not come to any harm. Before you ask - if I wanted you dead I would not have brought you here." The voice paused, expecting a response.

Jackson obliged, "Uh, good point. Is the air safe? Can I take my helmet off? There are no pathogens that will, like turn me into a zombie, is there? I couldn't run an environmental check since you sorta took over my ship."

"For now, keep your suit sealed. The atmosphere here is not compatible with your biology."

"Oh, uh, thanks." Internally Jackson thought to himself that with all this fantastic technology he was sure the atmosphere was going to be safe. Glad he asked, he felt a little off not having to perform the post landing checklist to shutdown and secure the scout. Peering over the edge of the cockpit, there was no ladder to safely reach the deck.

"Umm, ship? I don't know what to address you as, but I need something to help me out, normally there is a deck crew that brings a ladder and, uh, I don't see one."

"That is because you do not need one,. Step into the air and a force will appear to support you."

Jackson couldn't help but let his fear spike. After a few moments he mastered it and swung a leg out like there was a ladder. To his surprise his foot met with what felt like a solid surface. Risking a glance Jackson nearly lost his balance, there was nothing there. Swallowing hard, Jackson rapidly swung the other foot out to find it even with the other. He turned and doing his best to hold down his anxiety, he walked forward. Much to his surprise, instead of a ladder or steps, the force presented a gently sloping ramp that deposited him on the deck.

"There is an automaton waiting for you four meters ahead. See it? Follow it." The automaton stood out against the uniform greyness of the bay, a small hexagonal sphere with a second, smaller sphere floating above it. The smaller sphere had a single point of light that roamed around the surface, giving Jackson the impression of an eye.

"In for a penny, in for a pound. Lead the way, little bot." Jackson used a voice common to people speaking gently to animals; kind, caring and in many ways parental. He didn't understand why he felt the need to talk to it like that, but it felt natural, right.

The eye of the bot stopped it's incessant roaming to focus on Jackson momentarily before spinning to the opposite side an rolling towards another blank bulkhead. Similar to the entrance to the landing bay, an iris bloomed open revealing a corridor in similar appearance to the bay. The bot rolled forward, paused to look back at Jackson, then rolled kept going. Jackson followed, once again letting fate take it's course.

There was more in my head, I just didn't get a chance to write it out last night. I got down to the wire of when reddit becomes blocked for the night. Getting to sleep on time and all that absolute rot. I'll see if my muse still has the threads, but no guarantees.

I like this. A lot.

nice 😊

[removed]

Ah. I know what it is - it was popular with certain groups in elementary/high school - just never played it. Edit: I also forgot about the "MtG" abbreviation.

> know how how I feel

I think you a word here.

Sounds like a stoner phrase to me then - that's all I can think to explain it.

[removed]

“I wish to rule Hell itself.”

Paperwork job in middle management.

“I wish to live a luxurious life.”

Buddy, you’re dead.

“I wish for nothing.”

Good luck not existing!

“I’m going to save my wish for later.”

Ah, yes, time to - wait, what?

I looked closer. This man had prevented nuclear war by hacking to nukes and sending them to Mars. But he broke enough laws in the process to be sent down here. Why wasn’t he in the Atheist section?

“People died in the riots and guerrilla war that ensued.”

Well. For the first time in centuries…

I got to judge.