That card really is magical, she actually got some Mcdonald’s ice cream

It failed.

Of course it failed. It was inevitable. It was a segregation made by someone who fundamentally misunderstood human nature, someone who barely understood their own rules.

It's quite simple really.

The worst people in the world wanted to go up, of course. Not all of them, but enough. They would act how they were expected and get to enjoy the pleasures of the best world.

But the best people did not want to stay around. They would intentionally go below, by any means they could - for the best people were the selfless and the humanists, who would go to hell to help others.

And in the end, it was all the same. The worst raised by the best, the best lowering themselves for the worst.

Perhaps it's better to see it as a success.

I'm going to get it posted when I get home from work, so don't worry.

Thank you!

I fully understand why. I personally prefer humor that is contained but, everybody can laugh. Sass and good retort that just has been put humorously. >!Although secretly I love puns, way too much.!<

I'll be putting it together in my head today while I'm at work and post it when I get home.

[removed]

When those two drug-addled humans agreed to provide a sacrifice in exchange for having their burgeoning debts paid off, I wasn't expecting a small human in a cheap, tattered flower girl dress knocking at my door.

"I'm Jane. Daddy said you bought me, and I'm your bride now."

I am absolutely certain I made myself clear that I no longer accepted human sacrifices. My instincts told me they peddled her over to me in a bid to get rid of her to continue their debauchery. Nonetheless, I had accepted their offering for fear they would approach a less merciful god. I thought I could perhaps try my hand at parenting for the very first time in thousands of years. Some of my followers were parents; surely I could pick up some good advice and tips.

But she was here as a child bride. Did they think of me as some kind of pedophile, that I would marry rather than adopt this small girl?

Take deep breaths. Try to lower myself so I don't excessively tower over her, and hide my tentacles beneath my robes. Checked my face in the mirror to ensure I looked mostly human and comprehensible. I pushed open the doors when I was ready to talk to her.

"Hello Jane, do you want to come in first for some tea and cakes?"

She remained standing outside, twiddling her thumbs and staring at her feet.

"I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to actually marry you or make you my bride. In fact, you can have this credit card and go live your life. But first, you look like you could come in for some tea. If you need anything else, just let me know."

She convinced me to promise never to try to pawn her off again. Apparently, it wasn't the first time her parents tried to sell her, but I was the first blockhead to actually agree and let her live with me. I feel for her, my own father had disowned me too, eons ago. I would take this chance to be a better father than my old man.

My followers were very insistent that I was to find her kind, loving, and may I emphasize, HUMAN adoptive parents. They said an eldritch god could not fully understand what it means to love another. I think they're right, I've only tried dating on Tinder recently, and the tenets of romance and love mostly elude me still. But I'll do my best for her.

Jane was determined to stay by my side, and I was equally adamant about signing the adoption papers to be her father.

They relented when I told them, unlike human parents, she will never fear outliving me. I can always be there every step of the way in her life. I could do everything in my power to ensure she lives a naturally long and fulfilling human life.

It's not that hard, I think. A human lifespan to me is what a mayfly is to humans. Brief, fleeting, but possibly impactful.

But most of all, barely anyone would try to hurt or mess with her under my watch. Not even a god of death could claim her before her time, I would fight Death to keep her on this earth until she was of a ripe old age for a human.

Love it!

DUDE that's insane

Most of the stuff I read here that makes me truly belt out with laughter is the stuff that's really absurd, the stuff that makes just enough sense to be related to the prompt, but outside of that, just makes for a hilarious image. The humor that I love the most is the jarring stuff, where you place people in a situation where their actions are just simply insane and weird, and takes me a hot minute to even figure out what's going on.

more case files please! love it!!

man that twist ending comment. Great job!

"Ten. Years. Old." The Crimson Lord thought at his elevated chair, looking at his apprentices in shock, disbelief and a splash of pity. "Yes, Matsuta-sama.", one of them confirmed. "The Council and especially Ms. Violet asked us to relay their request, that you let the so-called hero BrightSaver2013...best you."

Union of Superpowered Beings knew him as Crimson Lord. Already regarded as a mostly harmless local villain from the past, now even the villain society wanted to make Jack Matsuta a mockery. "Well... Since Ms. Violet asks, we don't have much of a choice, do we?" His apprentices nodded in terror, Crimson Lord nodded back in anxiety. "We would sooner take on entirety of the Union than to draw ire of Ms. Violet, Matsuta-sama." One of the apprentices said. Matsuta formulated a plan and gave orders to his time displaced clan of assassins.

"Contact Mira to rent her robot army, modify the weapons to reduce their strength, paint my helmet in bright red and enclose it. Contact my accountant to finance a new secret dojo. Contact our PR to rebrand us, for the eternal shame in this is already unbearable for me. I will arrange other matters."

After orders were given, Crimson Lord gestured everyone to leave him alone. Then he opened a drawer near a library of books and pulled out a black, analog phone that looked like it was from 1940s. He called a Temporal Manipulator. "Mr. Silver Watch, I request another localized space-time displacement."

So when’re you going to tell them your Moms aren’t just “witches”?

OH SHIT im blind then lmfao

I think its fine, the repost rule says you cant repost stuff unless its more than 2 weeks old

some rich fuck: gives 200000000000 awards buy spending billions

Death laser: D:

some rich fuck: >:)

Already did a response lol

u/jardanovic anotha one i think you would like writing

shushsuhsushhshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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magic

You don't know us, but we exist in your reality. You don't know us, but you see us all the time.

We're you.

At least, we're the you you see on video recordings. Not your friends' cell phone recordings, and not your lame attempts to achieve worldwide fame with a stunt you post on TikTok or YouTube. We're the you that doesn't know you're being recorded. Security footage, mostly. All those times you're just going about your business, not performing for someone, lost in your own thoughts and believing no one sees you in the middle of the crowd--the cameras pick you up and create us. And we exist in the recordings so you can go about your business.

It's not a bad life. I'm not complaining. Sure, it can get boring sometimes, but overall I enjoy going to the places you go to and seeing the things you see. Sometimes, though, I wish I could talk to you. Recommend a book I'd like you to bring on your commute (so I can read it) or warn you away from really crowded places. Because I know we both hate those.

Right now I really wish I could talk to you. Because you're in trouble. You've probably figured that out by now. You're on a train, and I'm on the train's security feed. Except we should have left this tunnel nearly thirty minutes ago, but we haven't. The lights flash by in the darkness outside the windows at regular intervals and the train car rocks back and forth hypnotically, and everyone is lulled to stillness.

That's what they wanted.

Hopefully someone in security is watching closely. Hopefully someone in security has noticed that we haven't left this tunnel yet. Hopefully someone in security has noticed the little glitch that occurs every 17 seconds that shows this feed isn't live. It's on a loop.

Someone did that so they could do something on the train without being seen.

And I'm certain they've either done it already or are doing it now. And I doubt it's good.

I hope to be created by you on another security feed, but I have a feeling this is it. I'll live on in the archives at least, but what will happen to you?

Thanks! I wrote more, a few more posts to get the story to a good stopping point. I hope you enjoy it :-)

May not be the big bombastic story I originally intended, but I've been enjoying diving into the smaller scope and character driven story writing and I think this has turned out exactly as I needed it to.

Idk you'll have to ask the author. I assume it's trying to be gritty and unflinching, like Pearcher and such.

Jackson stood motionless, his mind short circuiting at the sight of an alien standing before him, and one that wasn't trying to kill him, either. "uhhhhh" was all that he could manage.

The Jinisha chuckled lightly, an oddly human trait that further broke Jackson's brain. "I see you are a bit overwhelmed. It is understandable. I will keep speaking until you regain your faculties, is that OK?"

Jackson nodded, his helmet jerking forward and backward from the motion. Something deep within his brain kicked him, nodding may not be understood by this alien." Y-yes." It took tremendous effort to get that single word out, but there it was.

"My name is Oolyai." The alien pronounced his name slowly as ooh-lie-eh for Jackson benefit. "We have been at war with the Ascendant for many years, and obviously we have lost. As will your people, too, eventually. The Ascendant are relentless, a phage that is overtaking the galaxy." Oolyai gently motioned for Jackson to follow him as he turned to walk deeper into the lush greenery around them. Jackson followed, what choice did he have?

"For some years we maintained a stalemate with them, keeping them contained within a specific region. So long as they were left to ravage the region, they didn't push the boundaries we had established. Eventually they ran out of systems to feed their need for conquest. That's when our containment failed." The pair had reached creek, actual flowing water. Near them, a half meter tall waterfall added it's babbling to the sounds of a living space, something Jackson just now noticed.

There were creature calls, insects buzzing, and all the trappings of a living, breathing space. The primal yearning was still there, wanting to rip his suit off and embrace a living, natural space. But he did not give in to that primal urge, partially because his brain was rebooting from it's stunned state.

Oolyai gracefully sat upon a plant that Jackson expected to not support the large aliens body. Oolyai folded his hands in his lap and stared at the creek beside him, mesmerized by it.

"Compared to human technology, even ascendant technology, the Jinisha is a wonder of engineering and technology. I wish I could say that this ship is the counter to the Ascendant, but it is not. It is nothing more than a fancy luxury yacht." Jackson had almost gotten over his shock, but now that Oolyai showed hostile emotion a different circtuit tripped.

Jackson shook his head to clear it, a different emotion welled up burning away the confusion, shock and awe and replacing it with frustrated duty.

"So if this ship isn't some superweapon to help us in the war against the ascendant, why bring me here? Why reveal yourself to us? What is your motivation, purpose?"

Oolyai slumped, suddenly looking older than a moment before. Slowly he reached into the creek, his hand emerging with a small device cradled in his grasp.

"There are a thousand answers to those simple questions, Casey Jackson. I'm lonely. I'm dying. But most of all..." Oolyai gently stroked the device with his other hand lovingly, like a parent. "because my work is complete." he finished in a whisper.

Moments crawled by, then suddenly Oolyai snapped his focus back to Jackson. "This is the Pherelli seed, my life's work and a two fold answer to the Ascendant."

Jackson fought off the urge to take a step backwards, they way Oolyai spoke make it sound like the seed was dangerous, triggering his fight or flight response. "What does it do?" he surprised himself in how firm his voice was, belying his fear.

"Tell me, Casey Jackson, how much do you value your humanity?" Oolyai's question almost sounded pleading. A heartbeat passed and Oolyai continued before Jackson could respond, "Would you be willing to give it up, to become something else, possibly a monster, to save your species?" Oolyai grew visibly weaker, slowly he extended the seed to Jackson, small tremors causing the hand to visibly shake.

"Take the seed, human. Let it transform you." Oolyai's voice became weaker. "It will make you immune to the Ascendants phage, but also allow you to deliver the cure to them. The phage... Is the Ascendant." Oolyai took one last breath and then he was gone, his outstretched arm falling slowly to his side, seed still in it's grasp as his body slumped forward.

Jackson didn't move. A war raged within him, take the seed or leave it? Deliver the seed back to the navy or take it and use it on himself? How would he use it? How does it work? More questions than answers.

He was startled out of his reverie when the little bot appeared next to him. From no discernable source the bot was relaying transmissions from the fleet, they had arrived and were looking for him.

Throughout history, people did things they thought that they would never do. And for the rest of their lives they could never fully explain what drove them to do those things. Angels? Demons? The spirit of a loved one? God's? Biology? Instinct? Any and all answers could be correct, but never verified.

How would history look back upon this moment? Would it be re-written to make Jackson more heroic than following some unseen power driving him forward? No, there had to be a humanity in the future to look back on this moment, to have a history past this point. And that was all Jackson needed to decide - for better and for worse, he decided that humanity needed to survive. To have a history to look back to this moment.

Gingerly he plucked the seed from Oolyai's grasp. "Alright, I've made my decision Oolyai. How do I use the seed?"

"Grasp the seed in your hand. With your free hand press the top of the seed and an interface will appear." Oolyai's voice emanated from the small bot behind Jackson.

"OK, done. What do I enter?" The recording of Oolyai walked Jackson through entering the code despite the unfamiliar symbols. The last one was blue, the Jinisha's preference for a ready status. Taking a deep breath, Jackson pressed the last symbol.

The seed shot needles through his glove and stabbed into his flesh. Jackson would have yelped in surprise, but whatever the seed pumped into his body sent fire through his veins.

Time passed. Consciousness came and went, pain flared and went away. When he finally awoke, Jackson was different. He felt it, he knew it. And he had a new purpose. He rose, a feeling of strength and power coursed throughout his new body. The bot was nearby, waiting patiently for instructions.

"Come little bot, we have work to do." He said as he stalked out of the living chamber. Today was the beginning of the end of the Ascendant.

I really need to get better at being more succinct in my story telling, but as I dive into prompts like this I can't help but world build and delve deep into the story like this.

If you read this whole thing, thanks! See you on the next prompt!