Reminds me of the book “Morningwood: Everybody Loves Big Chests.”

It’s a litrpg with obvious sexual innuendos about a Mimic who gains sentience.

The similarity is that the chest gets a contract with a succubus, and proceeds to summon her over and over just to see how she tastes. Amongst other pointless endeavors.

Is this a prompt or a story you wrote? Or did you mean to post this in an advice subreddit?

Thanks!

Time slowed to a crawl as a single report echoed throughout the empty warehouse. The creature I had fired on slowly fell backwards, its featureless porcelain face and red flesh seeping a thick black oil. It felt like appeared as if everything was swimming through molasses; I was experiencing the world at the speed of thought, even if my muscles could only move in real time.

It always felt like this when we talked mind to mind.

"John," she said quietly, her mental voice shaking. "What did you just do?"

"He... he was coming right at me, so I shot him." I started to blink.

The fear coming across the link turned to panic. "We need to go, now. Don't bite your tongue, and don't make a sound."

Before my eyes finished closing we were in the rafters and I was naked. A subtle glow enveloped me -- one of Kimber's illusion spells.

"Get over it. You opened a hole in one of them; can't risk you spreading it. Besides, it's not like I haven't seen you before."

"Spreading it?"

"Why do you think we use flame and gravity magic against these things, dumbass? Bloodborne pathogen. My magic gives me some protection, but you? You get some of their juice in you, you become one of... them."

Time resumed and she pointed at the swarm. The humanoid creatures we were fighting had begun to swarm the one I had shot; ripping at its flesh. A larger one reared back and howled, its once featureless face a sickening mass of ichor-stained teeth. I heard Kimber take a deep breath and begin chanting quietly.

>Lord of the Forge, grant my prayer
>Grant me a blade to cleanse the land
>Hephaestus lend me your flaming sword #Laevateinn!

The world around me shuddered as a red circle formed underneath the creatures. A gout of white-hot flame erupted from the circle, consuming everything in its reach.

Kimber stumbled, the cost of casting so many powerful spells in a row finally starting to take its toll. As I caught her, I felt her cast an appraisal spell on me. "I'm ok. What's done is done. And you're good. Let's find you some some clothes before that illusion wears off."

When I fell gobsmack in the middle of nowhere, I was surprized I retained all my memories, like seriously, I even had my favourite gun, not like I'd even get to use it here. The flowering feilds, the berry bushes, the shiny, pretty, rainbow everything, the woodland creatures and amazingly dressed adventurers, townsfolk. It's like I just entered a game, well I sort of did, seems I have a luxury item, the gun spell! I collect some berries and put them in my backpack, so I miight be a doomsday planner, so what? No zombie apocolypse here, no siree, just light, happiness, rainbows and a huge mound of shadow coming towards me, wait what? Running on adrenaline and instinct alone, I fire three shots head, heart, balls, I know it's improper, but hey, I panicked.

A sparkly 12 year old runs up to me, looking quite mad, her eyes are pink and shiny, who is she, walmart chibi moon in a larger dress? "What in the seven goddesses are you doing? We had the guy, and you destroy him before we can ask for information! I don't even know what spell you used, are you a wizard of the dark arts or something, an artificer way ahead of our time, an other worldly traveler? Explain yourself stranger!" WOW, she talks a lot, clearing my throat, I start rambling.

"For starters, he looks extremely terrifying, I have a thing, it's called a gun, it shoots and it keeps me safe, I am from another world, and am very disorientated, everything is weird, there is seemingly no doom, and I think I might have infinite ammo, what is going on?" I think I said more that moment than the last few months on earth! I think my hair is a little more wavy now, and my build more muscular. Discount Madoka Kaname stands up on her toes and starts talking even more, in an extremely high UWU voice, what on earth?

"You killed a guy we were tracking for days! At least join the resistance before doing that!"
"A resistance?" It seems this place isn't as safe as I thought, standing in an action stance and keeping my guard up I watch alertly, "Yeah, a resistance against the evil sugar fairies, they are stopping everyone else from being happy!" That- seems majorly less problematic than a zombie apocolypse, ah well, might as well join. "Sure, I'm in, you guys will feed me, give me shelter, maybe pay me, and give me water and like other basic needs right?"

"Uhhh, sure! Whatever you want funny man, just don't shoot anyone else pleaseeee?"
That seems reasonable, I nod my head and start following the skipping fake glitter heart. After a good five minutes of walking to town I start seeing traces of civilisation, garnering a lot of weird stares I see stalls selling all sorts of goods, as if my stomach was also seeing the sights, it grumbles. "Oh, it seems it's tea time, huh, neato, you don't have gold, silver, or things to trade do you?" What, isn't it obvious I'm broke, I fell out of the sky for goodness sakes! Don't tell me, she's broke too. "Are you also broke?" She looks at me, eyes wide, like when she saw me commit a major crime, but somehow worse "What, it's just a question." She seems to be shocked, "You have the audacity to assume a high ranking PRINCESS is broke, moneyless, and on the same level as a commoner? No offence, if you are a commoner though... yeah-"

"So, we both have no money, the only goods we have are your dumb sparkles and some tiny berries that I picked."
"Yeah, wait, berries? I have a duplication spell, let's do this! We can sell the excess too!"
"That's actually not a bad idea little anime girlie." Hopefully they have anime in this world.
"Anime? Either way, get those berries out forger!" Oh, no anime, well fake Taito, here are your berries, I am momentarily blinded by bright as the stars pink, until I see the berries growing out to split into more berries, she readies the spell, I put my head down and cover it with both my arms. "Done! let's trade and eat fellow brokeness"

We walk into the market stall after eating some somehow sweeter berries, we somehow managed to get a Shifu looking red panda to buy some in exchange for some gold, "OH MY GOSH, WE'RE RICH!!!" ow, my ears "Why are you yelling? Doesn't everyone here use that stuff?" "Yeah, but like gold is a huuuggeee deal here, its worth like half of my castle!" What- maybe the monarchy is failing here, or everyone is a princess with a castle, "Ok, how much is a gold actually worth though?"
"Oh, right, you don't know, around 3 thousand berries, 100 silver, 1000 copper, 10000 tin."
This system reminds me of some fantasy ones for some reason, but eh, not the worst way for an economy to work, we walk the market hoping to find me some clothes and her a new spell book or something.

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I loved this! My only pause was when he put the cigarette behind his ear. In my mind it was still burning and his hair was getting singed. But I still love it all, especially having it set in a modern environment.

'Listen. It's not one of those things where the kid teaches me how to love like a human and I renounce my demonic ways. It just isn't. You know what I like to do in my free time? Flay people. Trick people into killing the people they love. Inflict tax audits. This isn't how it's going to play.'

The other-me winced.

'I know. I'm not going to try to change you. Just... put up with it, OK? For a bit?'

'And another thing. I'm meant to be the evil one in this relationship! I'm meant to wreak havoc and destruction on all who - '

'Have the misfortune to encounter you, I know -'

'- And what you're doing to me right now is pure torture. I don't like her. Her communication skills are poor. Her reading comprehension is practically non-existent. She appears to believe her stuffed animals are sentient. The child's an idiot.'

'She's four.'

'Exactly.' I eyeballed the other-me furiously. 'You're planning something, and I don't like it.'

The other-me smiled angelically - revolting - and vanished.

***

When he entered the child's room, I sniffed. I recognise my allies. How had something so deliciously cruel ended up in human form? The child's gormless cheerfulness faded and something else replaced it, her face tight.

'Hello Bethany.'

'Hello papa.' The male adult didn't notice me, which was curious. A human then? Not a demon? But where did the stench of my kind come from?

'Come and sit on papa's knee.'

I noticed bruises on the creature's knuckles.

'Mama isn't feeling very well today. She crossed papa.' The child gasped softly. 'You know what happens when we cross papa, Bethany?'

'We - we get punished.'

'That's right, sweetheart. Mama will be lying down in bed for a little while. She needed to be taught a lesson.'

'Yes, papa.'

I looked up and saw the other-me across the room, face strained. I could sense the cruelties this man wanted to inflict on the child, on her mother, probably others, too. I was delighted.

But... Hmm. The other-me watched me, guarded, but it dawned on me... The other-me had brought me here for a reason, and the reason can't have been to torture me, because that's against the nature of our being. It had brought me to Bethany in order to achieve its own goals.

'And you need to remember that lesson too, honey. OK?'

'Yes, papa,' came the child's small voice.

***

'You want me to punish the human male!'

'The parent, yes.'

'You want me to achieve your nefarious goals! You want the child to be... ' I swallowed the nausea and couldn't say the words.

'Happy and safe. Protected. Yes.'

Grotesque. 'And you can't do it yourself because you cannot harm a living creature.'

'Correct.'

'Why should I? Why shouldn't I simply allow the Papa his cruelty? It's so delicious,' I crooned, sadly.

'Oh,' said the other me, smiling, 'but do you know what would be even more delicious?'

'Flaying the child myself?'

'No. Using the child to torture the man.'

I thought about this a little.

'Terrifying the man with his own blood, with the one thing he isn't afraid of,' I mused. 'Because ... he is doing this to his child - and his spouse - as he is too ... weak to do it to anyone else.'

The other-me nodded encouragingly.

'And if the child has some of my power - '

'Yes?'

'Oh!' I murmured softly, searching the other-me's eyes with interest. 'You aren't quite the bleeding-heart I took you for, are you?'

I tucked this away for later.

***

'This doesn't mean I renounce Satan,' I said. It had been quite a day. Surprisingly fun, taking on the form of a child; I was ashamed I hadn't thought of it earlier. Fire and brimstone is all well and good, but sometimes a little more... subtlety can work wonders.

'And this doesn't mean I renounce all that is good,' replied the other me, smiling. I grinned, and we looked down at the sleeping Bethany, a ward of both of us now. The child had no idea the terrifying power she now wielded; the dread protection of the dark and the light.

'We'll see, old friend,' I said softly, as Bethany stirred a little in her sleep. 'We'll see.'

Any would be invader trying to attack Ankh-Morpork are promptly assimilated before they reach the gate and have their own line of restaurants for their particular cuisine set up within a week.

[removed]

I'm getting strong "eldritch horror thinks it's being a superhero, accidentally starts a religion and is worshipped as a god". Amazing story!

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Yeah, coz it's easy enough as a human to just create an alternative to whale oil as a human, so how would you pull ot off as a whale?

TIL I have been waiting years for a Focault pun.

The memories of what the skeleton was in his previous life were gone as he looked at the fresh faced attacker. It was always like this where he was slain and then resurrected. There was never really a point where his armor had felt strange or the long hair of his previous life bothered him more than it did today.

There was something strangely farmiliar about the foe that he was facing today. As he could feel his chest slashed strangely his heart leaped as he looked at the knight doing the slaying. It was like he had known him.

As the hand reached out to upright him after he had sliced at the foe who had entered the dungeon, his enemy asked the one question no one had ever asked him, “do you want to join me for a drink or something?’

A drink? He touched his mandible and what remained of his vocal cords opened up to make both of them flinch, “yeah I would?”

“I didnt know u could talk?”

“I didnt either.”

[removed]

Not Aussie. We don’t say shite, we say shit

Nope, not Aussie. I don’t know of any Australian who uses the word shite. We say shit, like a proper swear word

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Reminders:

>* No AI-generated reponses 🤖 >* Stories 100 words+. Poems 30+ but include "[Poem]" >* Responses don't have to fulfill every detail >* [RF] and [SP] for stricter titles >* Be civil in any feedback and follow the rules

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Surely is an interesting company. Good on ya!

I was picturing a rougher Harry Dresden.

[removed]

"Ready or not here I come! Baarbieee! Where are you?"
Three weeks of this fricking job- darn it, I still cannot swear fudge this shooty contract. This was meant to be a clown's job, not a fallen goddess's. At least she thinks I am pretty, stuck hiding in a literal closet, I wait for my torment to end. In an odd way, I am the monster in the closet she asks me to check for, she probably knows that though, who knew that a dumb summoning party for a 'bloody mary' would bring ME OF ALL ENTITIES to this DARNED PLANE. One week ago a budding satanist had her 5th birthday, all was alright, until they said the WRONG ENCHANTMENT.

A divine contract I literally could not refuse, funk hell's rules, I had power once, a singular black rose in a plane of ash, I made mankind lust, made them all fools, an empress of darkness, all reduced to a simple 'barbie' if I were to break free, the 1st thing I'd do is burn all the world in beautiful flame, take control, start a newer, smarter civilisation, but nooo- I am STUCK HERE being this girl's 'only real friend' her existence should be short, but it feels painfully long.

"I found youuuu, Barbie!" I sigh, her infernal giggling haunting my mind. "You're counting now! I have the best hiding spot ever, don't look in the kitchen!" I start counting down from 20, 19, 18, 17, etc. Children, so very idiotic, so simply controlled, except for the fact that I CANNOT HARM THE CHILD- I decide to play along for once in my glamorous life, strutting elegantly, towards the brat's bedroom, looking around, prolonging the inevitable find, "Boo! I was behind you the whole time!" It seems she isn't as dumb as she looks, there may still be hope in this ghastly contract of a lifetime.

"Oh my! What a good hiding spot." I coo towards the girl, her stupid blonde 'piggie tails' bouncing up and down with the rest of her. I am ordered to 'play nice' what a friggin joke! No 'cussing' until the spawnling is 13, no murder or any crime until she let's me, an order to ''save the child's life'' whenever I can, what is this, a guardian angel contract???

"I'm bored now, let's watch a movie, can you pleeaseee make me some snacks?" At least she knows how to request politely, "Hmm, yes, you have been an excellent child." I am repulsed by my words, but then again, it's not the worst I had to say, 'yeah, your sausage is good enough' terrifying. I summon some of the most delectable treats a mortal could ask for, caviar, luxury coffee, win- 'no alcohol until the child is 20', the finest cheeses, and some apple juice, 'oreo' cookies and goldfish crackers for the beasty.

I balance the plates, is this what mothering is like? To where the child is "You took forever, I made a drawing of you while I waited!" A scrawled bunch of 'abstract art' is on a peice of watercolour, I assume the fanciest scibbles are me, the dark ebony on my lips, the long raven hair, my eyes that burn hellfire, the large skeletal horns, and my oh so beautiful ivory skin, all reflected in a childish imitation of 'art' "Looks, breathtaking sweetie."
The little creature seems pleased with my response and hastily takes the apple juice, oh I would kill for some alcohol right now. We watch through 'Barbie life in the dreamhouse' for what seems to be the 60th time, at least it's bearable. A vision appears, a luxury car pulls up in the driveway, perfect mommy's home.

"How was your day Evelyn?" I am somehow invisible to the runt's parents, lucky me...
"Amazing, Barbie made me some snacks, She also spent time with me!"
"Oh, I see, that's lovely darling!"
"Barbie's really pretty, I wish you could play with us." At least the child knows beauty, suddenly I feel a tug, I am brought out of my resting spot on the lounge, a blonde woman looks up in shock, the mother seems agahst. "Who knew my prayers for a guardian angel were answered, thank you Barbie, hehe." This, this is wrong, I am a heathen, a sinner, only angelic in looks, what is wrong with these people?

"It was no problem ma'am, your daughter is in good hands." What- is this some automated response? The only other time I've heard this is wait...

~Many, many years ago~
I was lazing in my brimstone palace, my sister gone for her duties, I decide to meddle and lift my hand towards the skrying pool, the dark waters and darker lotus flowers greet me, 'Show me Peony Darkstar.' I see my elder sister's figure, tall, imposing, delicate, a strong representation of the family, "It was no problem sir, your dauther is in good hands." The fuck is that? I swear on our missing mother's soul that she was fufilling a contract.
A week after that she disappeared, seemingly ascending to the heights.

~Present time~

Is this, my redemption, no, this can't be, I must look for the records, the mother already took her daughter to bed, putting her to sleep so I am free to do as I please as long as the contract abides. Maybe the child died and she left, what was her name, ah Kiara Anne Silvester, thank the ancients for perfect recollection. I teleport to the office of divivne matters, searching for deaths, Kiara Ane Illerston, Keera Anna Spellta, Kiara, Keena, finally, Kiara Anne Silvester, 'contract absolved, the demon Peony Darkstar saved the child's life, giving her own, through sacrifice she died, her soul rising out of hell and onto earth, her new identity is to be confirmed, but scouts say she looks around 25, has been reincarnated with long blonde hair, if you are looking to find her, you must repeat the phrase "Arkath Katmina Dooma, Peony Rathmea Dakethae Rastero" eight times around 6-10 pm.' Wow, that's just great a way to find my sister, it's utterly useless!

I warp back, deciding to practice the phrase, I send signals across the globe, the message 8 times as instructed, expecting nothing the mother of my punishment replies "OretsaR Eahtekad Aemhtar Peony Amood Animtak Htakra!" Only one word stays the same, it must be her. I would want to ask all my questions, but I am beseiged by another vision. A dark, bloody hag, possibly the one originally summoned peers through the window, there's no going back after this, I engage in divine battle, demon against demon. The clown fatally wounded, it seems I can still destroy beings as per usual, perfect. The little girl sleeps soundly, unknowingly saved from an attempt on her life.

Oh, I like this wizard.