Recent comments in /f/WritingPrompts

HrithikTheBoss t1_izrk2n9 wrote

Some feedback is make more use of the fact that Valor and Darkstar are nemeses who seem to have put aside their differences… you could try to explain why that’s the case (some mutual goal)

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mattzuma77 t1_izrieh6 wrote

I think it's something like:

• Yves appears at Gedeon's school

• Gedeon saw his parent and Yves fight, and thinks it's actually important that Yves is stopped

• Gedeon shoots Yves

• the laser fries the rest of the classroom

• Gedeon is happy about this suddenly, because edge is so cool, man~

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sane-writing t1_izrdmjf wrote

fair enough. I would assume that burning the known characters could cause some trouble for many writers. My thought was just that it would probably end to happen in the same universe since there it's established that toys are alive...

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ChloeWrites t1_izrccwn wrote

So... I sincerely don't understand what happened here. The nemesis was all over the place and normally being vague with clues helps. But, not this time. All I know is Gedeon killed 37 kids

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JustAnBurner t1_izr3708 wrote

“Hang on. I want you to tell me what happened.” The bedraggled man pulled the brightly colored man inside. A quick glance around the plain apartment told little about the occupants. Washed out pastel paint, accented by some of the most basic and generic paintings and pictures the brightly colored man had seen.

After the stressed parents laid the child down on the couch, draped a blanket over them, and kissed their forehead, the two finally sat at bar stools in the kitchenette. The parent brought out a bottle of something strong and poured a couple glasses. “Please, what happened.”

The hero of the hour sighed, “I was on patrol through my section, making sure no one would be an idiot.”

“I didn’t know you patrolled,” the parent raised an eyebrow.

“We don’t exactly advertise where we’re going to be on a given day, but those are details. I got a call that someone was causing problems. I intervened.”

“You tried to limp away. You’re the ‘Joyous Remnant,’ you don’t exactly go down easy.”

A quick sip from the glass. “‘The last one standing, with a smile.’ Doesn’t mean I don’t feel it the next day, but you’re right. They were preparing to face you.”

“Oh.” The parent say there for a moment. The silence was somewhere between polite, and stifling. “Thank you.”

“Hey, you’re the one I’ve been fighting the longest, I’d never stand for that.”

“You aren’t a hero though,” the parent glanced sideways at the Remnant, “You had no reason to save my kid. You could have just taken them yourself, have a new hostage.”

“Never.”

“You’ve robbed banks, destroyed property both public and private, you’ve taken hostages before.”

“No, I show up to a place, and make a mess. The only reason I take hostages is to get them away from the destruction. It’s why I leave some cameras working, and always have the hostages in sight of those cameras. I’m not in it to hurt people.”

“So when it’s my kid-“

“Especially when it’s your kid.” Remnant tipped his glass in salute to the other man, “In some ways we’re closer than family. I’m not in it to hurt you, I’m in it to make a performance and make money.”

“And then the Vanguard comes along and ruins the fun?” He finally refers to his own title.

“Nah, you help the performance and get the hostages out. Some of your peers could learn to prioritize hostages.”

Vanguard winced at that, but nodded, “They tend to forget the common person’s abilities, or lack there of. But again, what happened?”

“You’re more durable than me, they were prepping to face you, I got clipped by a few too many tricks and traps keeping the little one safe. Not much of a story to tell.”

“Do I need to get the league to keep an eye on our little ones? I don’t mind telling you I’m not the only one with a kid.”

“Heh, nah. The guild knows there’s families about, and we avoid them. Usually this is handled internally, but someone was able to snag a little one. They won’t bother you again.” There was a pregnant pause, Vanguard opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off. “Don’t ask. Please. They’re dealt with.”

Another pause. “You don’t like that you finally got blood on your hands?”

“I told you not to… alright, fine. My hands are plenty bloody. Like i said before, it’s usually handled internally. There’s a reason you don’t hear about these.” Remnant was far more serious than when they fought.

“Oh.”

“Now, take care of the little one, and the guild would appreciate it if you not spread this around. Or, if you do, mention that we will never go after your families, and request that the league do the same.”

That made Vanguard’s eyes go wide in a different way, “You have kids?”

Remnant snorted, “Hell no, but I know some who do.” With that he finished his drink, and headed for the door.

Curious, Vanguard called, “Where are you going?”

“Still need to finish my patrol. Oh, you didn’t hear this from me, but I’d advise the league have a team building exercise on the 12th. Something fun will be happening, more than just me, so it’ll need more than you.”

With that, the smiling man in bright colors went out the door.

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XantosZ OP t1_izqzs3b wrote

I can see that but I feel that established universe, especially in that case, would involve the involved characters of that story. I feel this is far enough removed to be in the [WP] prompt section. As loving toys is not necessarily unique to toy story.

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telpereon t1_izqwm0j wrote

"What the hell happened!?!? Your KID happened!!!" he snarls, ripping his arm out of my hand.

Radar Yves glared at me and then at Gedeon. I felt the waves of electromagnetic energy ripple off him warming the surface of my skin that faced him. Metallic objects around me began to jitter and vibrate. I saw radio waves start fading away in a growing sphere around Yves.

The air even wavered as his powers effected the light rays in the entryway of my house.

His eyes snapped back to me and the emissions of his powers dissipated with a crack of static electrical energy.

We have fought against each other for years. I had even been looking for him just a few hours ago in my afternoon patrol of Heldstadt. I try to remember what I knew about him from the years I have been fighting him. Things like how he had reacted at each encounter. Getting him to jail, held against the possible damage and pain he could cause. The deaths.

That was why he had been locked up this last time before he had escaped again.

The deaths were still deaths. Even if it is clearly involuntary manslaughter.

That had just started to be an issue, he had kill that guard this time. He had until a month ago only killed three people that I know of and in no way were they on purpose. That attack on the National Eddison Array Complex had been the one crime I could think of that he killed anyone in. He fought me, sure. Regularly and mostly to losses or draws. But he was careful not to kill anyone.

I always thought he was scared of serious jail time.

And while he hated me and does try to kill me all the time he is generally fixated on me once I show up which helps. He seems to always just snap and dive for me. That has minimized the damage as well as made it easier for me to capture or at least drive him off in defeat.

In a few short seconds he began to break down. Some kind of fear became clear on his features, in his body language. His eyes reddened with tears. He even began to shake or shiver in waves.

He began to blather as his eyes lost focus and he seemed to drift into his own world, "How had I never understood? All those times....ALL OF THEM. You...You?! Why? Why did you not just end me?"

He glances at me like a frightened child.

"Transformation of energy? I always assumed it was strictly kinetic energy transfer and transformation. Stupid! STUPID!!."

"You were worried about the damage to the people around you. Haahahahahah. Actual concern. Hero, right?"

He drifted into himself again in both body and mind. Shrinking in to himself right before my eyes.

"Heroes...right" he says quietly to himself more than anyone.

Gedeon still stands beside me.

I looked at him as Yves keeps on talking about damage, people, heroes, and me in a ramble of quickly replaced ideas as they streamed through his thoughts. Gedeon watched Radar Yves as he talked without looking at me. Calm and unmoving with the look on his face that he had just been caught doing something I had told him not to or that he knew would get him into trouble.

I looked back at Yves and that was when it hit me. Gedeon thought he was in trouble? Gedeon?

My eyes fell back on Gedeon and I asked, "What happened?"

"What happened? What happened?!" Yves said in a loud voice edged with growing hysteria. I turned back to him.

He laughed.

"All that damage...I have never know where you live...did you know that? Never. And I had never thought you could just, like do that. Never...nope...never knew...." He drifted away again.

"If I had not called for you! God!"

What was he rambling about? I thought.

"I just was running for home...You know? My lair...the Radar Array. First place I go every time. I got lucky."

"You had already finished afternoon patrol. I had been hiding until that happened next to the prison. Thought I was so smart! So smart!!"

"Last place they would look," he said to himself. "Last place. The prison." More laughter.

He seemed to be getting worst. Falling apart inside as he remembered what happened. Gedeon said nothing beside me. Seemed to refuse to take his eyes off Yves or look at me.

Yves looked at me again.

"You think you can just keep me in check? Just enough power to keep me out there in the world? A nemesis to the great hero! The great family man!" He laughed again.

I was so confused. Gedeon? What had happened...

"Come on, Yves. What is wrong with you?" I asked without trying to touch him again despite the fact I wanted to shake him with my bare hands.

"YOUR KID!!!" he yelled at me pointing at Gedeon.

"Powers are passed on genetically from father to son. Just like me and my dad, you and your son." He jabbed his pointing finger at Gedeon while not looking at him. One of his powers is location with a radar like ability. He knows were everything is within a specific radius....about 300 yards in every direction for sure.

Yves pointed at the TV next, "Just turn it on. To any channel!" He waved his hand around like it was on fire.

"That beam. I had seen it coming. Only me but that's my power right? I don't know what he was doing but I saw its effect...ya for sure I saw its effect."

Effect?

I looked at Gedeon. He actually takes a step away from me. I saw it clearly now. Like the time I caught him with that puppy....

"He ripped them apart trying to get to me. The beam had not even tried to avoid them. He had not even tried to avoided them!..."

"They had screamed for him to stop!!"

"Killed them all" the last three words were spoken in a whisper of grief.

"Thirty seven children from his school...Thirty seven...gone...." He was crying now.

Gedeon smiled.

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DragonBoss206 t1_izq3lfi wrote

It would be pretty cool if that happened and then while they’re chilling at home a band of villains could attack her (Valor) and attempt to steal the girl again. Paul could pull up at the last second and fight them all to the death. I’m just looking for a last stand type of ending where he goes all out and takes them all down but goes down too so Valor can be a sort of God Mother to the girl.

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Jumbug t1_izp9c7k wrote

IMHO, this is really well done and the pacing is easy to follow.

Two minor nits:

  • "Windster" is only mentioned at the end. It doesn't seem necessary to hide that information. I think it would be clearer if you mentioned his name when you mention "that new speedster".

  • Your description at the end of "basically illegal take-downs of corruption", suggest that Darkstar is more vigilante than villian. I think you could add something in the beginning, in addition to the pain of losing his wife, identity exposed, and such, that Darkstar is worried about who will hold the corrupt accountable and punish them for abusing trust (which also plays into a vigilante also breaking trust with the law and it's processes). I think it's great that Valor introduces the idea that Darkstar has never hurt anyone rather than have Darkstar reveal that.

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