I have been recently diagnosed with (but have long felt the presence of) mental health issues Including, But Not Limited To; CSA, PTSD, BPD, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression. Personally, I am suspicious that neurodivergence may have been overlooked.

My struggle with mental health has always been a source of stress and discord between my boyfriend and I. I struggle with emotional self regulation and feel a lot of insecurity about myself and consequently our relationship for a variety of reasons. Despite having a lot of trauma from past relationships with other people, I believe I have done my best to communicate these insecurities and work through them with my partner throughout our 4+ yr relationship.

Initially, when we first started dating, he was dismissive of me during emotional outbursts and depressive episodes. It would really hurt me to attempt to communicate something that he did or said that was bothering me only to be walked away from mid-sentence, or to be interrupted and told that I created the problems by acknowledging them rather than pretending they don’t exist. You have no idea (and at this point, neither do I) how often we fought about his insensitivity and attempts to gaslight me whenever I brought up valid issues in our relationship that he had no desire to resolve.

I want to emphasize that over the last couple of years, he has made so much progress with empathizing and supporting me. I can only hope that I have been able to do the same for him.

For context, we live together but we have separate bedrooms to maintain our own space, however, I typically sleep in his room.

Lately I have been doing really fucking bad, depression-wise. I often feel like a black hole of pain and want desperately to mitigate my proximal effect on him. When it gets really bad, I pull away, sleep in my own room, reject physical affection, and seek solitude. I will just go to work, come home, smoke a fuck ton of weed, eat, sleep, repeat.

He used to try to comfort and support me when I was feeling very low. Over time, I believe my behavior of repeatedly pushing him away has reinforced his own tendencies to ignore problems in the relationship. I know that it is hard for him to be there for me, he has told me more than once how helpless my mental health issues make him feel.

Now, however, at the slightest hint of my pulling away or incapability in returning his affections, he also shuts down. It has gotten to the point that I am performing love and affection during long and intense periods of depression so that it doesn’t feel like I am losing him during those times.

Please do not attempt to twist my words or vilify my emotional vulnerability as a possessive desire to control him. I am relaying my observation of a change in his behavior as a result of my own changed behavior.

I want to be clear that I in no way EXPECT or DEMAND him to be emotionally available or supportive during these times. If anything, it is during these moments that I distinctly feel as though I cannot meet HIS expectations and needs, and upon failing to do so, fall from favor. Although I know the depth of my fears are born of insecurity, self awareness does not dull the sharp pain of feeling as though in order for this relationship to work, I need to be ‘Stable’, and my love needs to be ‘Accessible’ to him, or it’s my fault for not being ‘Good Enough’ to love.

I’m sincerely sorry for the length of this post. I myself am not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing it, but I appreciate you reading nonetheless.