Submitted by youneverseenmeright t3_10qjrlv in relationship_advice
I see a lot of people posting their situations and I plan to read them too but felt like I needed to post my situation to see if people might provide some more specific direction.
Apologies for the lengthy post so giving tldr upfront: Marriage challenges after 14 years together, 2 kids, wife likely is depressed, possibly bi-polar, now showing interest in polyamory/open relationship. Is this the only answer? Is my marriage done? Am I naive and immature to think that people can't commit to being together for their whole lives any more?
Longer text
My (M42) wife (F42), married 12 years, 2 kids (7 and 10 years old).
We've had some pretty good years together. We both wanted marriage and kids. Assumed this was "till death do us part".
We've also had some bumps. Went to therapist/counsellors for help. A lot of what helped was therapist teaching us some communication skills but mostly assuring us that our frustrations of the pressures of raising kids is natural and consider this phase of marital difficulty 'temporary'. "This too shall pass" being the main message. Of course also make sure you make time for "couple" time and sex and all that good stuff. "Date night" outings have been tougher with COVID pandemic of course.
Some context: my wife is an emotional person by nature, self-admits ADHD, on meds for depression (for the last 20+ years). She was divorced previously in her 20's (she cheated on him primarily because the 'romance' was gone and they didn't communicate well, I mentally excused her situation due to lack of maturity of being in her 20's, assuming she matured after tht). Oh yes, and wife self-admits her initial ideas of marriage were a "Disney" princess sort of story with romance. She also was tested by a psychologist who said she's borderline bi-polar. She insisted to me that because it wasn't exactly on the line, she must not be. I think this is mostly a self-esteem thing. I know my wife has highs and lows, so I won't confirm one way or another.
Our sex life has been okay but at times, rocky. Generally it takes a while to get aroused and can get into a mental block of emotion about it. I'm totally up for foreplay, but she doesn't seem to like the way I've done it and feels self-conscious to have to explain it, in part because it reminds her of her issues and I feel like there's some esteem/confidence issues there that I can't help with. Also, and I don't mean this as a humblebrag but my penis is large and hurts her when fully erect so I need to be very careful and our positions need to be a certain way so I don't hurt her which I say only to clarify that it creates complications in the bedroom (despite lube and foreplay, I will add just in case people wonder). We try to start slowly and work up to it with lube and all that good stuff. She admits she is self-conscious. I've told her many times that communication and trust is key and want her to tell me what feels good or doesn't as it's impossible for me to be a mind-reader for what feels good. In summary, she gets into her own head a lot. I understand women can have more challenges on this side vs. men who are "ready to go" in seconds, but I admit I haven't really succeeded in this area despite my trials. We've had long time gaps between sex in the past because I feel like there is so much anxiety and pressure and I feel like nothing I do helps so I resort to masturbation more often than not.
Of course many of our friends and her sibling are all divorced or getting divorced all around us, which doesn't help.
Despite all this, I (and we are trying to work through this) through counselling together and individually. She is also talking to close friends and her own therapist for advice. One therapist asked about polyamory/open relationship as an idea to help create a spark in the bedroom. The *idea* of this has sparked some excitement in her, at least to think about.
Since I work from home more often than not, and I've told her this, is I wonder if the sexual tension is gone because she knows there is no competition.
Is the spark of what one might consider for a new relationship gone? Sure. Our sex is occasional, we're both busy, working and parenting kids.
So here we are. Now she's bought a book about polyamory. She's already started reading it. I'll probably read it too, at least to better understand the situation and see how anyone could possibly organize this in a way that maintains a strong relationship.
I always thought marriage at this stage would be like the greek "Pragma" love, a deeper connection based on the fact we have these 2 kids that bond us and sharing in family times together. I've always been monogamous and my perception of a long-term relationship is a state of just being comfortable with the deep relationship, history we share and supporting our kids' growth.
We've had some open and honest conversations. I asked her if she wanted to leave me and she said no. I'm the breadwinner in the family so of course I'm giving her a comfortable lifestyle to lean on.
I told her honestly I'm open to considering this idea but not really sure what it would mean for our marriage and think it could bring risk. She acknowledged the risk too that we may fall in love with other people.
I'm feel at a loss, because if that's what she needs, then this "marriage" is over anyway, whether we get divorced or stay together, right? Maybe I'm naive to think people can commit to living their lives together till death do they part. In some ways I feel torn wondering if I am doing all I can do to keep this marriage together, and the other I feel frustrated at her and wonder if she's mentally unstable and throw up my hands that I can't do anything to save it, so let thet go. I see other posts where it's a BF/GF/no kids situation and if that were me, it would be an easy decision to let her go. I can't help but just want our kids to have a stable family relationship. Maybe a worst-case situation is I get divorced when the kids grow up?
Call me strange, call me old-fashioned, but I don't see my purpose on this Earth simply to f--k random people for the occasional thrill. I'd like more meaning than that.
Advice/help please.