Submitted by ThrowRA_Strong9 t3_10vqjqq in relationship_advice
Last few words as I couldn't add to the other post after it got deleted or something. I have had a long talk with my fiance and I do need therapy. Also I will not be inviting them to my wedding for everyones sake. Nevertheless, I am making this last post after I wrote something in my reply to another comment that I think helps contextualize what I wanted to say here but couldn't the first time. In a direct-message it was suggested to me that I post this as a stand-alone post. Why? I do not know. Maybe cathartic release, maybe because the people who reached out to me thought this would do some good. I do not know. But here it goes:
What hit me that hardest was 4 things:
- My entire life my parents led me to believe that the reason they couldn't come to my games, sometimes miss my birthday or didn't have time to teach how to ride a bike/drive was because they were making these massive sacrifices. When I asked why mom wasn't home or dad wasn't home, they used to tell me they were working late. When, I found out, it clicked in my head. They had the time...they just didn't want to spend it with me. How many nights did I have to make my own dinner? How many times did I tell my teachers, my parents were late to pick me up because they were busy at work. How many of them knew what was actually happening. It's not a large town, they knew, I'm sure.
- When I figured it out, they were not there for me. When I needed them the most, they left me in my room to cry it out. The one moment that will forever be burned into my brain (that and of course finding my mother on that couch with that stranger): After I found out and we got home, I was having a panic attack (my fingers were crossing up, I was hyperventilating, I couldn't move my limbs, my windpipe felt like it was closing, my lips and tongue went numb, and my vision was getting black spots to appear in-front of it), in that moment, I saw my mother looking at the mirror and putting on lipstick. We had just gotten home from me having caught her with another man in his house, an image that troubled me so deeply that I had just jumped out of the car because the situation had made it hard for me to breathe. In the midst of this panic-attack, she was preparing to go back. After I calmed down, I begged (on my knees, gripping her legs, tears literally rolling down my cheeks) for her to stay. She promised me she would...but then she left. I watched her walk out an hour (maybe 2) after the promise she made to me. She went back to his house, and I knew what was happening there. She didn't come home all night and I just cried the whole night. You heard me dad, I know you did...you let me down when I needed you. This hit me so hard...I meant nothing to them. I genuinely thought I was going to die but she rather spend that time with him. I always viewed my mother as caring but that's because she never had to give anything up for it. When I asked her to stay...she had a choice to make. To show me she loved me and be there or to get her carnal desires fulfilled. She chose the latter and it was devastating.
- My whole life, they told me to focus on my studies. They told me that I shouldn't date (my mother said this especially) as it would effect my grades. They sold me on the idea that a marriage is between a man and a woman. Then one day, I find my mother bent over a sofa getting nailed by a stranger, and everything fell. It made no sense, and they just said...well this is who we are. Accept it. These people never even gave me the sex talk. I was so ashamed of myself that when I was young, I confessed I masturbated once and my mother lost it on me. I was so ashamed of myself my whole life. Then I find out one day, that their carnal desires are blessings, mine are sins.
- The last thing was they never stopped for me. I got them to stop for a month barely (but even then I'm lying about that, they just made it much more discrete. I know they visited them when I was at practice...but that's just a gut feeling). I begged them that I couldn't handle this, just to please please please stop this. They didn't. After a month it was back to normal, but this time they just went about it like nothing happened.
1ST EDIT: This took some self-reflection and a little too much time to dig out memories that I had blocked out. Also, if you know cheap therapy options, please send those to me.
2ND EDIT: Original post
3RD EDIT: Everyone is sending me direct messages saying that I shouldn't reconnect with my parents and that my fiance shouldn't be pushing me to reconnect with them. She isn't, not anymore. Not since, I've sort explained all this. If anything she has told me that I shouldn't, and maybe its best if I leave that door closed. I want to see them again, I want to read them exactly what I wrote above but in first-person and look them in eyes while doing it.