Submitted by Physical_Weather_939 t3_112e91x in relationship_advice
Hi - bringing this to Reddit because we keep arguing about it and can’t come to an agreement. Long post alert:
My fiancé (25M) and I (27F) have had a bit of a whirlwind relationship. We met in a graduate program, were friends for a year, and then started seeing each other romantically and had a baby shortly after. It all went very fast.
Throughout our relationship, his two best friends, who happen to be siblings, have been a problem. When my fiancé and I were just friends, they were friendly to me. And when we were just casually hooking up, they were friendly, too. But as soon as things got serious, they got rude.
This rudeness mostly was shown in the way of passive aggressive in-person interactions as well as directly rude texts. I’ve been nothing but nice to these boys. When things were still good, they mentioned needing a place to live and having trouble finding something in their budget. I happened to be moving out of a home that I owned, and offered it to them at a discount. This was a BAD idea and has been a contributor to the deterioration of the friendship which is why I mention it.
Here’s a few examples of their behavior, both regarding the house and not:
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after we announced my pregnancy, they told me privately, and with a good deal of seriousness, that I “stole my fiancés youth”. It wasn’t a joke.
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the four of us all having a conversation in a group. They put an arm around his shoulder and walked him away from me to talk privately without saying a word to me, leaving me excluded
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we visit them to work on the house (before baby). They say they want to go out with my fiancé, but I’m not invited. Neither is one of their girlfriends and they left us at the house together while they went to have “boys night”
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not paying their bills and then telling me that the house was unsuitable when they moved in so they shouldn’t have to pay for certain things (it wasn’t unsuitable, they did an inspection before they signed a lease)
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asking fiancé to go on trips all the time even though we have a newborn because they assume I should do all the childcare. (He’s gone on several of these, but if it were up to them, he’d be gone all the time to go party while I raise our child)
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coming over and letting the dog in when I tell them not to. They do it anyway and say “it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it.” Or screaming outside while the baby is sleeping, or riling the dog up so he barks even if the baby is sleeping
More context: They’ve never straight out called me names or anything, but I’ve heard from mutual friends that they have said directly aggressive things about me. I’ve also heard they tried to break us up.
What sucks is I’ve been more than nice to them the whole way, and I’ve put up with these little aggressions out of respect for my fiancé and his relationship with them. They finally moved out of my house (thank god!) but at this point, they’ve been so cold to me for so long that they genuinely make me uncomfortable and I just want a break from them. Every time I see them, I have my guard up, just waiting for the next snide comment or disrespectful action.
I’ve asked my fiancé to help me take a break by not bringing them to our home, just for a few months until I can gain some composure back. But he hasn’t been supportive in this. He thinks I’m overly sensitive to “just a few mean texts” and he thinks it’s toxic that I don’t want them in our home. I’ve asked my fiancé if they can hang out at their house instead of ours, but my fiancé tells me that’s not an option because they can’t drink around their mom with whom they live. So then I asked that he gives me a heads up before they come over so I can at least get the baby and myself out of the house (go to the park or run errands or whatever), and he says he will, but usually he doesn’t give me a “heads up” until they’re already pulling into the driveway. And then I have to make myself scarce from my own home for several hours while they do whatever they do.
This is such a long post - if you’re still here, thanks for reading. But I’m feeling stuck. It bothers me that my fiancé doesn’t want to protect me more from these assholes. I’m not even asking him to stop being friends with them; I just need a break from their behavior. Generally I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously about how his friends make me feel.
Any advice, Reddit? This isn’t the only place in the relationship where I feel like I’m not being taken seriously, but I’m trying to tackle one problem at a time.