Submitted by throwRA7875369 t3_112eozz in relationship_advice
TL/DR: Girlfriend started a semester abroad and wants to open our relationship a little bit. I do not, and I have no idea how to deal with the situation or my feelings regarding it.
In January my girlfriend of 3 years started a semester abroad. Prior to this we lived together. We met each other through mutual friends, and less then a month after that we were officially together. She was the person I imagined I would spent the rest of my life with. I had planned to propose when she returned.
A few days ago she expressed her interest in opening our relationship a little bit. Not much, but she wants to be able to flirt and kiss other people. Same would go for me, only I am not interested.
She said that she missed the excitement, the new, that this was something she had always felt she needed (even in past relationships). That now, being on her own, she finally felt like herself again. How good it feld to admit this to herself. That there was nothing wrong with me, but rather that no long-term partner could provide her with what she needs. She told me that I was perfect for her, that no other could ever measure up.
For context, this is not the first relationship for either of us and we have both had multiple sexual partners prior to this relationship.
This revelation has shocked me more than I thought possible. I am not interested in opening up our relationship, I want nothing but committed monogamy. I have no interest in other people, and the thought of her enjoying other people drives me insane. Honestly, the thought that she is so interested in others in itself hurts a lot. I am starting to resent her for that. Or I would, but right now I do not feel anything at all. Which is kind of unsetteling.
We talked a lot about it. She also send me a TED-Talk by Esther Perel, which did not help me. She wants me to at least think about it. She tried to explain her reasoning to me, hoping that I would be capable of seeing things from her perspective. She also hinted that being allowed to express herself this way might have a positive effect on our sex-life, which has not been that great after the honeymoon phase.
This is also at odds with my worldview. I always thought that most people want monogamous relationships. That this was how most people were happy. But apprently I am wrong. Is everyone else that interested in open relationships? Am I just one of the few that can not handle it? Is there something wrong with me? With what I want? Should I just forget about it, because those kinds of relationships are a thing of the past, and anyway, people were never happy in them?
I have so many questions, and I would truly appreciate any input. Please help me make sens of this.
Can a relationship with such opposed needs work at all? Will it only get worse with time? Will she suddenly find herself wanting to sleep with others once she kissed them? Should I just let her try it, and see how I feel? Will I then hate myself?
Is this relationship doomed? Should I just end it now, rather than have it end later anyway?
Am I crazy for wanting a monogamous relationship in which my partner is only attracted to me and I to them? Is that not something that anyone else is interested in?