Submitted by ThrowRAvirgin777 t3_117enw4 in relationship_advice
I’ll try to be as brief as possible and I will answer any questions. I’m 22 and I have had two serious boyfriends. The first one I lost my virginity to and the second one I also had a sexual relationship with. We broke up due to personality conflicts on top of being long distance. Here’s where I messed up. Ex number 2 sent me messages on IG saying he missed me and the next time I was in town we should hook up. The messages were explicit. I read them but didn’t reply or delete them. Well my mom and I were out getting our makeup done for my cousins huge birthday party and I pulled up some makeup looks for her to pick from to give to the stylist. She was looking at them while the artist did my makeup and I guess she decided she wanted to check my messages. She saw the messages and that’s how she found out I’m not a virgin anymore. I never told her because I knew she would freak out. She started crying and because I humiliated her so badly she started screaming at me in the middle of the salon at the top of her lungs. That she was ashamed, I’m a liar and a slut, etc. She made us leave the shop and I wasn’t allowed to go to my cousins party and neither did she. Well, ex #2 happens to be my other cousin’s best friend and he introduced us. So she got super mad at that cousin too. Both he and his friend would be at the party and she never wants to see either of them again. She told my entire family and I’m not a virgin any more and that it’s all my cousin’s fault. She went through all my messages with my cousin and found out we had smoked weed a couple times too. Sometime in our text conversation my cousin told me he appreciated being able to talk to me and that he loved me (we don’t have any other family members we can talk openly with so we confide in each other). I told him I loved him too. Which absolutely enraged my mom. So now on top of thinking I’m a drug addict, a criminal, and a slut, she also thinks I’m screwing my cousin. She told my grandma who doesn’t want me to stay in her house with her ever again. She told me I’m never allowed to speak to my cousin again and I need to act as if he is dead. I’m also never allowed to go see any of my family ever again. It’s been a week and all she does is cry, tell me how much of a liar I am for pretending to be a good girl, and how much of a filthy whore I am for fucking my cousin, or not speak to me at all. My family hates me. She hates me. The family is ripping itself to pieces over whose fault it is that I’m banging my cousin. I know I brought this on myself. It’s my fault for having sex. None of this would be happening. I was thinking maybe if I just tell her what she wants to hear and say my cousin and I were sleeping together then maybe she will feel vindicated and like I’m “finally” telling the truth? I don’t know what else to do at this point to try and fix my family.
Edit to answer common questions and give a small mini update.
My mom is originally from Mexico. She moved to the US and met my dad. They were not married when I was born. They do not live together. He is not Mexican but is still from a highly conservative background. We are non practicing Catholics. We don’t attend church. I’m an American born and raised and I live in the US and so do both of my parents (separately). All of my mom’s family still lives in Mexico including my cousin. We fly there frequently to visit family. Everyone on my mom’s side believes her that I’m having sex with my cousin. Including HIS mom and dad. My Aunt is a little gleeful about it tbh because now she gets to rub it in my moms face that I’m dirty and not a perfect angel. My mom has disowned my cousin and multiple conversations have been had with me and with him from various family members and no one listens to us when we say we have never fucked. I’ve been going to school full time and don’t have a job at the moment but I’m looking for one now. I don’t have anywhere I could go except one friend that keeps telling me I need to leave and I can stay with her as long as I need. She has two kids and even the thought of imposing on her makes me feel so guilty. She’s actually the one that insisted I make a post here to get other peoples opinion.
My mom started threatening to tell my dad so he could be as mad as she is and maybe disown me. My friend said I needed to tell him what actually happened before my mom got there and told him about the cousin theory. I was really freaked out but between you guys and her I felt like maybe I wasn’t so awful and maybe my dad would believe me and maybe he wouldn’t hate me for not being a virgin. I told him this afternoon. I can’t even tell you my shock when his response to me not being a virgin was “ok cool? And…?”. He told me my mom was out of line and he is there for me. I’m completely blown away.
I know it’s not the moving out that you guys are rooting for BUT I just told my mom that I was not going to allow her to speak to me like she has been anymore. This is a HUGE thing for me. Seriously. I’ve never stood my ground with her before. She screamed and called me names but eventually went away when I stood my ground. Doing that has me pretty shaky but I’m planning on sticking to it and not letting her talk to me like that or engaging with her when she does. You guys have helped me so much. I’ve been reading all of your comments. Every single one. They have made me think about how I see things and try to view them outside of how my mom does. I appreciate your support and you taking time out of your day to tell me your thoughts. I will try to keep you updated and will still answer any questions.