I’m 22F and found out my girlfriend (21F) did a weird sexual favor for money before we were together

Found out my girlfriend did a weird sexual favor for money before we were together

I’m new to this sub so I am not sure if this is triggering, but to begin my girlfriend has a colorful past she made me aware of, filled with casual sex and hookups and flings with men she met off dating sites. She did inform me of this before I made it official, so at first this didn’t necessarily bother me. But as time passed I heard only more and more details from her of different occasions, hearing these little comments that made it feel less special for me. Like we’ll be doing something I’ve never done before and she mentions how this used to be a given with her and past hook ups.

I knew she used to go on speed dates with older men for money, and she didn’t hide this from me. She was very open about all this and I like her enough that I was willing to move past this. This is where my hang up comes in.

Then the other day I discovered that she shit in a guys mouth for $3,000 and on a guys chest for $1,500. We were out with my friends and when I left the room briefly I came back and everyone was laughing and making jokes and when I tried asking what was so funny nobody explained to me. When I realized she was telling my friends about her history as a casual sugar baby I felt this sense of second hand embarrassment because my girlfriend was casually explaining how she made money off dates with disgusting older men.

I really like this girl and at first this stuff didn’t bother me. I have a small history of having casual sex with people I didn’t particularly care for, and personally these experiences occurred because these people assured me I mattered to them and when I realized it was casual I always ended up feeling hurt. I realized through these experiences casual sex wasn’t for me and with how invested and emotionally interested in me that my girlfriend is, I gave her the same benefit of this mindset. I also realize she has a dark history of sex related trauma and has lasting depression and anxiety.

I understand the kind of work it would take to be there for my girlfriend in these mental obstacles but I’m just more upset about this thing about getting paid to do favors for men. She said it wasn’t physical at first but to me shitting on some dude seems physical.. when I confronted her about this after my friend told me, she tried saying she didnt mention it because it didnt feel relevant to us, and her past doesnt have anything to do with me. She reassured me when she made my emotions feel heard and told me she wouldnt say those things to my friends. She explained how she desperately needed the money and wasn’t proud of what she’d done.

Then she asked if she could be selfish, and cried and expressed remorse over what she had done and asked me if I thought she was broken and a whore.

This girl so sweet, she has been so thoughtful to me and is here for me through all my weak moments, she listens to me and cares and remembers the important stuff. She makes me feel beautiful and I see myself with her longterm, its just this thing I learned hurt me so bad I had to cry. I just can’t stop thinking about this disgusting thing she did for a price, and I can’t stop thinking what other things she did for money that she didnt consider physical because it was just business for her.. I cried because I care for her so much, but she has this history that hurts me to think about.

I found this reddit and was hoping maybe I can just have a place to vent or any advice to help me move on from this. She has reassured me so far in all the ways I need, but I feel I need even more now and making her upset or feel like a whore, that’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t see her that way, but it doesnt exactly feel good to think about. If it was a friend, I wouldnt care at all. But because she’s my girlfriend, I feel so possessive. This is my first girlfriend as well, so I’m just not used to being with a girl who has a past.