Submitted by ThrowRAmonoscared t3_119gdaq in relationship_advice
Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10soclj/my_monogamous_m36s_relationship_with_my_poly/
Firstly, thank you to everyone who reached out. I did not expect that post to explode like it did.
I want to keep the update brief but I don't know if it will be, I'm not in the best place right now. I'll try and respond to everyone who messaged me privately.
I received a lot of advice from many people. Most was to leave her, some people gave me different perspectives. Had some poly community members message me their insight too, thank you.
I spoke to her. I told her I wanted to end the engagement and move on with our lives. She wasn't happy. She said she loved me and said this is what she was worried about from our first date. She said she doesn't want things to end.
I told her I need more in the relationship, I needed what she gave her other partners. I told her I'm going to be your husband, your main partner for life. I told her I wasn't comfortable with what she does with them around me. I told her she's not suppose to do what she does in front of me.
I told her I've taken the advice of and spoken to some people regarding it, and that maybe being in a mono-poly relationship was just never meant to be. She told me she just wants me, she wants to spend her life with me, she wants to have children with me, and grow old with me.
For the first time in 3 years together I asked her if she is saying she is going monogamous. She said no, she wants to stay poly. She said her other relationships mean too much to her. She said she won't open up with me physically in public, or the things we do in bed, until she's more comfortable with me. She said she's known her partners for a decade, and so she's comfortable with them. I told her we're getting married, how much closer to me do you need to get?
I asked her why she said yes when I proposed if she didn't feel as close to me as her other partners. She just said because she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me, again. I told her it doesn't make sense. I told her I can't do it anymore, and I won't change her, but I won't keep doing this to myself.
It was a lot of back and forth. Lot of I love you and I want to be with you on both ends, but hang ups on both ends as well. We never really yelled or screamed, but we were both angry and upset and hurt.
Ultimately, we've decided to postpone the wedding while we figure things out. The engagement hasn't ended yet. I've moved in with a relative not far from our place for now. I think its over, I've told myself it is. I just feel tortured and hurt. Its been a few days and she tries to call me once everyday. I've only picked up a few times. She keeps saying she loves me and we'll sort it out.
I've had some of her friends (poly and mono both) reach out on her behalf. They said they've talked to her about her other relationships and about ours. They said she's really shattered and she wants me to come home, but doesn't want to lose her identity in the process. She came from a very conservative background, and coming out as LGBT and polyamorous was a big, liberating moment in her life.
They said to their knowledge she hasn't reached out to any of her other partners and doesn't want to until we know what is happening between us.
My family and friends have told me to do what's best for me. My closest friend told me maybe I should move on, he said 4 days a year isn't worth the torture knowing what she does with others even if she is a great person. Some of my friends never knew she was poly, and they told me to end it once they found out. They were angry that I would put myself into a relationship like this. They said I was torturing myself for something I should have always known was doomed to fail. They all really liked her. We had couples dinners with some of them at least once a month.
I know my first post didn't paint her well, but she was wonderful. Supportive and loving. We started dating before COVID hit, and I lost my job and she carried us for months. She didn't have to, it hadn't even been 6 months of dating. Some of her friends told her to drop me, but she said no and she told them I'd get back on my feet soon. We were quarantined together because she asked me to stay with her because she was lonely, but I know its because I couldn't afford my rent anymore and she gave me a place to be. She did so much for me, more than I deserved. I've spent everyday since I picked myself up trying to pay her back for all she did and still does for me.
I know a lot of people have used some colorful words in their messages about her to me on here, but she's not those things.
I don't want to lose someone that wonderful. Right now I just feel like it's over and I don't want to do anything except cry and I'm a mess. I'm hoping my head clears soon and that I'll know what to do for me. We said we'd give it a month apart and come back to it, so in a few weeks we'll see where we stand. As of right now, I'm considering it over.