Submitted by ThrowRAburntouthubby t3_11aq207 in relationship_advice
My wife and I met as teenagers and got married in our early 20s. We love each other dearly and have built a wonderful little life together. She is my best friend, my confidant, my biggest cheerleader. She is extremely intelligent and has a wicked sense of humour. We agree on pretty much everything and have a lot of shared interests.
My wife also suffers from chronic pain. I won’t name the condition for the sake of privacy. In addition to the pain which can be crippling, she also has severe depression, anxiety, digestive issues, physical mobility limitations, and a very weak immune system. Suffice to say, life is extremely hard for her, and by extension, it’s hard for me to a lesser extent. I knew this when I married her and I accepted it.
2 major things have changed since we got married. The first is that her health, both physical and mental, has significantly degraded over the past 2 years. We used to go out often and have adventures together. With a little bit of planning we could accommodate her condition and still do fun things together. Now, most days she doesn’t leave the house. She’s either in too much pain or too depressed. She has become very bitter, cynical and angry and only once in a while do I catch a glimpse of the sweet, funny, happy girl I married. She is going to therapy but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
Recently, due to a combination of depression and pain, she had to quit her full time job. She’s now working a few hours a week from home as a private contractor but this leaves me as pretty much the sole breadwinner and is putting stress on our finances. I also do a lot of the chores and a fair share of the cooking, as well as pretty much any errand that requires leaving the house. This is on top of the 50-60 hrs/week I regularly work at my job which is quite demanding. She also doesn’t have any close friends, so unloads all of her stresses, frustrations and sadness on to me when I get home from work every day. I’m the one who has to talk her back from the brink when she’s having a panic attack or having suicidal thoughts. I have to drive her to and from doctor appointments. When it’s her turn to cook and then her pain is too bad and she can’t get out of bed, I either have to cook after a 12hr day or order in and spend money we don’t have. Honestly it’s a lot to deal with.
The second thing that’s changed is that I have firmly decided I want to be a father. My wife and I were both on the fence about kids all through our 20s. She is still on the fence but when I turned 30 something clicked and now I can’t imagine not having kids some day. My wife would be an amazing mother intellectually and emotionally, but I worry about her physical ability to raise a child. I worry the pregnancy will make her condition even worse. I worry about our child having her condition; it’s genetic so there’s a 50/50 chance it will get passed on. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I knowingly bring a child into this world and have to watch them suffer the way I watch her suffer. I worry that raising a child will be one sided with me doing most of the work, rather than a true partnership. That is certainly how our marriage has felt lately.
All this has me looking at other healthy couples and feeling a deep sense of envy and loss. When I got married I vowed to stick it out “through sickness and health” but I had no idea it would be so much sickness and so little health. I don’t think it will ever get better. I don’t know if I can do this for another 50 years. I’m exhausted. I love her so much but I think I could be so much happier with someone normal. I used to be so optimistic and joyful and I crave being with someone who makes me feel that way again.
Should I consider leaving? I feel like it’s such a selfish thought and I feel so guilty for even having it but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing out on the life I could have, by doing the right thing and staying in this marriage that is slowly wearing me down. At the same time, I love this woman so much - she is my whole world - and leaving would be so painful for both of us.
Just really stuck and don’t know what to do. Would love to hear perspectives from anyone who is disabled or has a disabled partner. Maybe I just need to give my head a shake. Thanks for reading.
TLDR - read the damn thing.
EDIT: thanks for all the comments and support so far. I want to clarify something because I think a few people are misunderstanding the kids thing. I know that having a child right now is not an option unless her health significantly improves. This is one of the reasons I am considering leaving; so that I could have a healthy child with a healthy partner. I look at other couples with young kids and want what they have, and I don’t know if that will ever be possible in my current situation.