Submitted by ThrowRA_875421963 t3_11ciiso in relationship_advice
This is a throw away account since I didn't want it on my main. Sorry for the wall of text. I figured background details are important. If you want more details, just ask.
EDIT: I’m reading the responses here and there but I’ll respond when I can. I don’t want her to ask why I’m on my phone all the time since I’m rarely on it anyways, but I’ll respond when I can. Thank you everyone so far for your advice and I’ll get back asap
TLDR: wife said sex isn't important, but it is to me. IDK what to do
Long story short, we've (M32, F30) been together for 6 years, 4 married. When we were dating, it was long distance for about half of it due to school and work, but we made it work. During those 2 years, we went at it as often as we could, many times twice a day when we saw each other. When we moved in together, it slowed down, but it was still frequent (2-4 times a month).
The past four years have been basically a dead bedroom. The moment we got married was when it changed. We are intimate at the most maybe once every 1.5 months (as of now the last time was mid-December). I've brought this up many times, talked to her that intimacy is important to me, and she always says she'll try harder, she'll work on it, etc. I don't push or pressure, I just bring it up. But nothing changes or happens. I would ask, try to be intimate, try to romance her, but nothing I did ever worked/put her in the mood. Pretty much the only times it was a guarantee was only on birthdays and anniversaries. Other than that, it was a gamble. I would ask/bring it up many times during the first two years. But after being rejected so many times, I pretty much just stopped asking/bringing it up.
As for the quality of intimacy, that's another thing. Almost every time we do it, she's rushing me to finish. Her favorite lines are "Hurry up" and "Now". Since there's long dry spells, I want to enjoy it and have fun bc IDK when the next time is going to be. She's more focused on the end result. There's no foreplay, just the main event. We both finish and I know was satisfied (I'm no stud, but I know my wife), but I want more than just sex. The last time we made love and had that deep connection was before we were married.
Last night I brought up how we rarely have sex/it's been a while since we've done it and I asked what is she doing later on. She said not tonight, but tomorrow since we're both tired. I said I'll hold her to that (jokingly). She then said that constantly asking makes her want to do it less. I countered that I don't bring it up often, if ever bc I'm always shut down. She said then that makes her feel unwanted. So damned if I do, damned if I don't. I straight up asked if sex is important to her. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Not really, no." I didn't say anything after that bc, frankly, I'm at a loss of words.
It's been a 4-year battle and I'm just tired. I feel unwanted, unappreciated, and that I don't do enough for her. I moved many states away from my friends and family and I've sacrificed alot for her. I'm no perfect husband and I'm not trying to paint her in a bad light, just how I feel/my view. I support her in every way possible, talk with her, take her out, etc. I know life is hard, C0v1d f*cking sucked and we struggled, we've moved, changed jobs, etc, but we have made it work and I've done my best in every department, but I'm just at a loss.
It's more than just sex and getting off, it's about the intimacy and sharing that with her. She's my first only partner and I cherish that and I want more than what I'm getting.
Has anyone here dealt with a similar situation? And if so, how did you overcome it? I'd love some advice.
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