Submitted by MechRxn t3_11d4b1b in relationship_advice
I’ve been dating my significant other for nearly a year now. An expectation had been set that I pay for every meal when we dine out to eat. This has been going on for around 5-6 months and I finally had to say something about it. I kindly brought up that it would be nice if the expectation wasn’t there for me to pay for her and I 100% of the time. She objected noting that I make more money than her (I make 4500 take home, she makes 3500 take home) and that she has serious financial burdens (pays a lot monthly for a lawyer due to custody issues with her son and her sons dad who is a diabolical pos). She said that she wants to be taken care of etc. I pointed out that I don’t mind paying a majority of the time but it would be nice if she would just once in a while. Mind you I often times am paying for her, myself, her son, and sometimes her mom who is disabled and lives with her. We have gotten into serious arguments because of finances lately, and I would like to know if I’m being reasonable by asking this if her. She has also made comments that because I have $ put away in stocks (40k$) that it’s further reason for me to pay for everything. Please offer some comments as I’m really struggling with how I’m feeling here.
Edit: I want to thank everyone for their time and effort in replying and commenting. I tried to respond to most of them. I wanted to provide an update. I brought up a lot of these points with her and she said that I’ve made her feel uncomfortable about money from date 3 onwards. That my behavior when the check comes makes her feel awkward. I also often times ask her to guess how much the bill was and I truly didn’t know this made her feel shitty about it. She also pointed out that she sometimes cooks meals for us at home, but it’s not specifically for me and her…she cooks for the family and invites me over and justified that as her spending money on me. I think I can count on two hands the number of times she has cooked and invited me over.
Any other comments and insight here would greatly help me validate how I am feeling right now and what my next step should be here though I think I already know what to do.
Update: Her and I have discussed all of this. She says she has been disappointed in me/our relationship for the last few months because I don’t actively take her out to do things. Also that because her bills are “10k a month” she can’t afford to buy me/her partner a meal every now and then. Her definition of being taken care of is that she wants me/her partner to be able to pay for just her activities when we go out and she apologized for the burden placed on me because of her financial circumstances. She also said she resents me a bit because I make comments every time the bill comes out and that is a major reason why she doesn’t care to pay anymore. She also apologized about me paying for her mom and said her mom should be paying her own damn meals and I quote. Regardless, still not feeling good about the situation. She IS a good person, and aside from this issue it’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve had. I can be completely myself and have never felt like I’m walking on eggshells. It sucks. But I still think we are going to go our separate ways. I just wanted to update everyone who took the time out to give me some advice & encouragement. RA can be toxic at times, but I’m super thankful for everyone’s time and input.
Update 2: I met my SO and her son at the golf course after work to hit balls. I calmly explained to her that I booked flights to Mexico and asked if she would be willing to take me to the airport. She looked at me and broke up with me. We walked back to the car and I gave her son a long hug while holding back tears as best I could, but he knew something was up. She got in the car and drove off. I was devastated. She texted me when she got home and said that I am selfless and that I don’t know what love is. She said love is being selfless and that I only love myself. It hurt like hell at the time, but it’s been a few hours and I’m already feeling better. I appreciate everyone’s input.