Submitted by ThrowRA_problems074 t3_11d4m6k in relationship_advice
Throwaway account. So my wife recently started to think she might be bi, and may have always been. I love her dearly, and she tells me the same. Weve been together 9 years, married for 5. Recently she started to talk about wanting to have sex with a woman to experience it. I am not comfortable with this, and liken it to cheating, even if I know about it. We have always had great communication, and are very open with each other about our desires, feelings, and anything else on our minds. This is kind of an exception. When we start to talk about it, and i try to express my feelings on it, she gets upset and doesnt want to talk about it anymore. When she talks about it, I bring up how it still feels like cheating and since its a woman and shes a woman, its not a big deal. I try to express my feelings on it by making the comparison of how she would feel if I slept with another woman and she always shuts it down saying "but it would be with a man, and id be okay with it." I dont think she understands that its not the gender but the act itself that im not okay with, even though ive expressly told her that. I want her to be okay with herself, and know that im okay with if shes bi and would always be there for her and love her all the same, but i cant bring myself to let her sleep with another person. This has become a bit of friction in our marriage. I just want advice on how to get my point across more better and see what others have to say. We want to start having kids soon, and she wants to experience this before we do, but i just cant bring myself to be okay with it...
TL:DR, My wife wants to have sex with a woman, Im not okay with it and compare it to cheating, she shuts down my feelings about it saying its the same gender so its okay.
Edit: I have set up an appointment to talk options with my attorney. I discussed it more with my wife last night and brought up points made here, she isnt aware of this post. She is still adamant and refuses to see my side. I have brought up couples counseling in the past but she doesnt see a problem and refuses to go. As for kids, while we both want them, I put it on hold until all of this is resolved one way or another, though things are not looking good on a future "Her and I"
Edit 2: I talked with her once more this morning before talking to my attorney and it led to a massive argument where she didnt want to hear my feelings and thoughts on it because Im not in charge of her body and Im being controlling. I brought up points made here, and they did not change her stance in the slightest. After talking to my attorney, I have decided on a legal separation and divorce. The papers for the separation are already filed, and she will be served with them today. The divorce will take substantially longer. Im currently home and packing, and will be staying with my brother for a while. If after the papers are served and she realizes im serious, I hope she does not try to convince me to take her back. I wont, I just dont want to deal with that right now. This will be my last update for now, though I may make an update post a little down the line considering how much interaction I have seen here. I will stay active and try to reply to as many people as I can in this thread though.
Final Edit: Turns out she was going to whether I was okay with it or not. She signed the papers for legal separation this morning, but has been blowing up my phone all day. After her initial anger for the separation, moving out, and informing her of divorce, shes been texting constantly and leaving me voicemails sobbing about how shes sorry. Im not taking her back and have made it clear, especially after she made her intentions to cheat clear.