Unable to navigate money issues with my (25F) long term boyfriend (31M)

Submitted by Floralmind_ t3_127u7h4 in relationship_advice

I’m not sure if these are simply clashes because we’ve been brought up differently or the way I respond to monetary clashes is weird but this has been rubbing me off the wrong way.

My boyfriend runs a business that’s been trying to get funded another round but in the two years we’ve dated,that didn’t work out. So they’ve been trying their level best to keep it running. Despite great revenues it’s not a business with cash flow.

I used to work in corporate until early last year and left to start my small business with all the savings I had which means capital + sustenance came from only my savings.

Now here comes the catch. Once in a while in an emergency he asks me to send him a sizeable amount. Like 30-50k. And I do without hesitation or asking twice about what it’s for. And sometimes it’s stuff from my business for their company and the invoices aren’t settled asap. Like months have gone by and I would have brought it up multiple times and then some day he might clear some of it or just say nothing and I’d usually forget.

I never thought too much about these things because I’ve only had admiration and support for the things he’s done so far. But then I realised I have a deep seated financial insecurity that’s come from being put in these situations.

I come from a upper middle class family but I have never been able to depend on my parents. So I’ve always made my own money and planned things to the T so I never have to ask them a penny. But that said,we live comfortable lives and how we grew up I’m not used to “owing” somebody money in any context.

Given the topic of marriage came up and me being me needs to be able to plan things financially before diving into such a huge deal, I’ve been trying to speak to my boyfriend but he seems to not care at all. There’s no plan and there’s no sense of urgency about what will we do or how will we live if neither of us makes money. In such a context, even if I’m not forced, me being me, I can’t take money from anybody and will forcefully have to take up a job to support us and rethink my business at this time. And the way he has dealt with money even in my personal context without acknowledging that I’m unemployed and that all my money is in my business so he should probably have returned the money he took on time makes me hella scared.

How do I navigate such a situation

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[deleted] t1_jefu3ze wrote

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Floralmind_ OP t1_jefv45s wrote

He had ended up returning the money after nudges. Sometimes he puts software subscriptions on my card and when I mention it, he gets it paid from from the company accounts immediately. But it’s not consistent.

I’m terrified to be seen as this privileged bratty person I guess so I’m struggling to get myself to stop feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I feel so annoyed about this situation. He always just says things like oh well figure it out or by then I’ll draw a lakh or two for expenses. But he’s not been able to do that now only, let alone me believing about later.

It took me 2.5 years of saving and planning to get the freedom to leave my job for my small business. And being broke terrifies me. He’s talking about going into a marriage without any planning or savings and idk how to trust any of this is going to work for the better. He’s also 6 years older so I’d assume he had absolutely something planned out for his marriage.

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[deleted] t1_jefvha5 wrote

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Floralmind_ OP t1_jefwxp2 wrote

Fair answer would be no. I wouldn’t run my business in negatives but I know a lot of startups do and that’s one way to go. That said, it’s putting me in a space to choose money or comforts vs love. I do love him. But seeing a life with him with such raging uncertainties is making me want to run the other direction. I have a bandwidth of how much uncertainty I can handle and that life breaches it many times over. 😔

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Floralmind_ OP t1_jefxtyt wrote

In my head I keep rationalising it as compromises everybody has to make. They don’t come from a well off family. So it’s not like there’s any backup.

It started with oh dial down on the expectations you have for this sort of a wedding and that sort of a home or this kind of jewellery. (This is what I’ve grown up with and while it never was a MUST,it is to an extent how I wanted my life to be)

Now that it’s all coming down to money I feel like crap. We don’t see money and get married cuz there’s something called love and emotions and trust and understanding that’s all important. How have I finally gotten all that only to start from ground0 because they’re not wealthy and he’s so bad with money. 😭

I need somebody to tell me if these are major red flags or they sort eventually. Like maybe a phase. 🥲

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[deleted] t1_jefyec2 wrote

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Floralmind_ OP t1_jefz0lf wrote

You’ve been so patient with all of my ranting. Thanks for actually breaking that down for me. What you’re saying does make sense. 🥲

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