Submitted by ThrowRA234-54 t3_11foa5y in relationship_advice
My (40F) childhood was rough. I am the youngest of 3. I have 2 older brothers, George (45M) and Mike (43M).
Mike and I are close, but George and I had a very strained relationship. George is the golden child, he could never do anything wrong. Mike suffered a bit because of it but it wasn’t like how it was for me. I know people will say that he probably should have protected me, but I understand him not doing so. He needed to protect himself as well, I do not blame him at all for this, I would have probably done the same. George would essentially terrorise me all day long, making my life hellish just because I was born. I was a very sick child, so the attention wasn’t always on him which he hated. Our mother didn’t want me, she made that every clear. She only had me to try and keep my dad as she knew he had desperately wanted a daughter. I have scars on my arm from George pushing me into a glass door when I was 13 – he was 18 – and my mother’s reaction was to scream at me for getting blood on the carpet before banishing me to my room. Mike helped me bandage it up until I could get it seem to. I moved out on my 18th birthday. I actually sneaked out in the middle of the night with my bag and moved in with my high school boyfriend (now 41M) as we got married the day after I turned 18, we are still married to this day. Though I do not recommend getting married so young, it was difficult. My mother didn’t realise I was gone for 4 days before she called the police to try and get me brought home as I would often leave the house and stay with my boyfriend and his mother for a couple days before mine would call the police and have me brought home. I wish I had been there to see her face when the police told her that they couldn’t remove me from my marital home. My dad was a very weak man. While I know he did love me and did care for me, he would often bend to whatever my mother wanted. He worked long hours to provide and would just agree to whatever she wanted for an easy life. When I left home, the only contact I had with my family was with Mike.
Over the years, I have opened up contact with my dad. He was very much kept at arm’s length, I only allowed contact when I was in the right head space to deal with it. I made sure that he understood if my mother or George ever contacted me or turned up when we met up then I would go no contact and he would never hear from me again, I’d just completely disappear. I made it very clear to Mike and dad that I did not want to hear about my mother or George. The only time this request was broken was when my mother died, my dad messaged me to tell me that she had passed and gave me the details for the funeral if I wanted to attend. I responded with just a ‘good’ and did not attend the funeral.
Recently, my father has passed as well. I did attend his funeral, and I saw George for the first time in years. At the wake, George approached my husband and I as we were in a corner quietly talking with Mike. As soon as I noticed him approaching, I moved going to talk to a relative – anything so I didn’t have to talk to George. This happened 2-3 more times before he gave up trying to approach me, though his wife (had no idea he was married) tried to corner me in the toilets to get me to talk to him and I rather crudely told her to fuck off. We left just after this. A week after the funeral, I got an email to my work email (this can be found easily online as our work emails are on the website) from George. I did check with Mike that his was George’s email and he confirmed it was and told me that George had said at the wake that he was going to email my work email. I should have deleted it then and there, but I decided to open it. In the email, he told me about how his life had become difficult after I left. He did say that he was proud about the things I had done and was glad to see that I was still happy with my husband. He talked about his addiction to alcohol and pain medications, how my mother had put all this pressure on him to succeed and he realised that he just wasn’t good at anything despite being told for years that he was the best and perfect. He had been in therapy for the last 15 or so years and he had come to the realisation that he had been awful to me, and hadn’t realised he was capable of the things he did. He stated that having his daughter made him open his eyes to how he had been to me, and if anyone had treated her the way he did me then he would have beaten them up. He was asking me for forgiveness and wanted us to be able to move on. In the email, he said that he is asking for my forgiveness to help in his recovery to become a better husband and dad.
I’m not sure I am ready to forgive. I have to live with the literal scars he inflicted. I have trauma from what happened that I don’t think will ever go away. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few years. I have spoken with my husband about it and he has told me that I should just delete it. He doesn’t think any good will come from allowing George back into my life, he thinks that George has just chosen now to reach out because I’m currently hurting emotionally from the loss of my dad. He did also say that the first time I walked away from George at the wake that George got annoyed and told Mike that I was ‘still acting like the little bitch I always was’.
It’s been almost 23 years since I cut contact and I’m starting to doubt myself. Should I forgive and try and forge a relationship with him? Or is it best to just keep to the no contact?
TDLR: My brother was terrible to me as a child. I had a rough childhood because of him and now he wants to forgiveness but I am not sure I am ready.
Update: Thank you everyone who has commented. I know some of you have said that he has likely gotten in touch because he requires something from me, like a kidney. Fortunately if this is the case, he would be shit out of luck. I only have one. Admittedly finding out I had a niece out there did knock me slightly, I've always wished for my children to gave cousins but my husband is an only child and Mike can't have children and prefers to be child free - though he loves my children. Though after having spoken with Mike, it sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Mike sees a lot of George's behaviours as a kid in her, and he has taken a step back from them because of it.
I know some of you will be disappointed, but I did decide to respond to George's email. I had several emails in my inbox from George pressing me for a response. I told him that there is absolutely no way he will ever be getting forgiveness from me as his email showed me that as per usual it was about him. I live with the physical and mental scars he inflicted every day. I told him that not once in his email had he said what exactly he wanted forgiveness for as he never specified one incident. He didn't want to improve himself, he wanted to make himself look good. We had no contact for 23 years to work on himself and he was no different than the man-child he was at 23. I told him that I do not want any more contact with him and if he continues to contact me, then I will go to the police for harassment. I told him, not to go to Mike to find out things about me, because Mike knows better than to talk to him about me. I finished the email with "In future, if you are wanting to ask someone for forgiveness, maybe don't call them a little bitch in front of their brother and their husband.' I have marked his email address as spam.
I have also spoken with Mike and reinforced that I do not want to speak to George or have contact with him. Mike mentioned that George had been asking more and more about me since dad passed but he has repeatedly told George that he is respecting my decision and will not be talking to him about me or my family. Mike also mentioned that George had been trying to find out what I was getting in the will and he thinks this is why George is trying to ask for forgiveness in case its a clause in the will or something. I'm not in the will, I know this because when Dad was making his will after my mother died, I asked him to not include me. I didn't want to have to face George at a will reading so I asked, plus nothing in a will could give me back the one thing that I would rather have - my Dad. Dad agreed and didn't add me to the will. Mike has always said that he will split everything he receives with me, but I have told him while that is a nice gesture I would rather he kept it to himself.