Submitted by flowers_and_wine t3_11h4z52 in relationship_advice
*Edit: Wow! Thank you so much to each and every one of you who replied to my post! I posted in hopes that at least a few people would respond. I am trying to reply to as many as I can, but please know I am reading them all! :)
I’m struggling pretty badly and don’t know what to do.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for nearly 10 of those. (No kids.) We’ve had a pretty “normal” relationship until 2 1/2 months ago. We get along really well, have common interests, are very chill people in general, love spending time together, etc. He’s the most wonderful man I know. He’s thoughtful, cares about others, works hard, treats our dogs like his children (in the cutest way), and has always been loyal and honest to me.
We’ve both been prescribed Adderall for our ADHD - him for a couple years, and myself for a little over a year. His ADHD is much more severe than mine and it changed his life, for the most part, in a positive way.
8 months or so ago, I started realizing I was running out of pills before my next refill. Not by many, just a couple. I thought maybe it was because I’m given 60 per month (I take it twice daily) and some months have 31 days. I thought maybe I dropped 1 along the way. I don’t know… I was thinking of anything that could possibly make sense as to why I was a couple short. But each month it got worse. I was even ready to call CVS, thinking maybe they shorted me a few times. But, I started counting my pills as soon as I got them from the pharmacy. Always 60. In October of last year, I started asking my husband if he was taking them and he said no. I had no reason to think he was but no one else had access to them. And he’s always been honest with me, as far as I know, anyway.
In December of last year, I counted all 60 when I picked them up from the pharmacy. I started keeping notes in my phone to write down how many I took each day, to keep track. After two weeks they were all gone and I had 39 of the 60 missing. The only person who ever had access to them was my husband. So I confronted him and he admitted to taking them and said he’d been stealing them off me for almost 6 months! He said he became addicted and his normal dose wasn’t cutting it anymore. I also found out he was buying some off coworkers. He opened a secret PayPal credit card and was sending money to his coworkers. He spent over $2000 at the end of last year.
Since then, he’s bought it a few more times and I’ve now had to lock it up at work, so it’s not around him. Each time he’s lied about it, but I found out. I had to contact all his coworkers and beg them not to sell it to him. I have to lock mine up at work so it’s not in our house. But this week I messed up. I took a trip and put some in my medicine container and when I returned, I had left it in the bag I took. It was in our house and I noticed two days ago that he took the Adderall.
My heart is broken. Mostly because I told him that I understand the addiction and relapsing, but I just want him to be honest about it. I’ve been trying to support him in every way possible. He agrees and says he doesn’t want to take it because he knows the lying and stealing is ruining his life. Our lives. I keep telling him I’m here to help but he does come from a traumatic childhood and was severely punished when he was in trouble. He is afraid of confrontation with me even though I just want to talk things out. I’m not aggressive and violent but he is scarred from his mother.
He’s the most wonderful person and I’m afraid I’ve lost him. He’s now depressed and short with me. Defensive and withdrawn. He’s not the same man, now. I got him into therapy and I don’t think he takes it seriously or cares to go at all. We’ve been charged no-show fees a few times. He doesn’t want to go to NA or anything like that. On his days off, he sleeps the entire day. I’ve completely lost him and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him several times and he just gets mad at me and says mean things. He’s not affectionate with me anymore, doesn’t seem to be interested in me at all, says he loves me but it’s like we’re suddenly strangers.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like my husband was taken and replaced by a stranger. I want to help him, badly. He’s the absolute love of my life and I’m devastated. I miss him with my whole heart and I feel like I’m mourning the loss of him. He says he wants to fix himself but doesn’t know how. I keep stressing therapy and he made an appointment for Tuesday but unless I stay on top of him, he won’t keep up with it - but at the same time is annoyed I’m holding him accountable. I’m afraid we’re headed towards divorce and I’m crashed. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
TL;DR: husband and I are prescribed Adderall for ADHD. He’s been stealing some from me for months, lying about it, and buying it off coworkers. In the last 2 1/2 months he’s completely changed and I think I’ve lost the love of my life.