Submitted by ThrowRAAMLove t3_11i93e2 in relationship_advice
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My (21F) and my husband’s (28M) marriage was an arranged one between our parents. I was 16, and he was 23 when they forced us together. I don’t want to get into the ethics of this because I know it’s bad, and even though it’s their culture, their views are cruel and incredibly sexist. Luckily, my husband was a good man and compared to most of my friends, my marriage was peaceful. He never hit me or treated me like a slave and I’m so grateful to be married to him instead of anyone else. Our first year was incredibly painful because both our parents demanded grandchildren and neither of us was strong enough to resist them.
Luckily, we only had to have sex about 5 times for me to get pregnant with twins, and I thoroughly hated it so much that after we got the positive result, he promised never to touch me again. Something that most men wouldn’t have done. It was so painful for me that I was crying every time. I don’t blame him too much for the bad experience because we were both virgins, but that week was enough for me to never want sex again. After my sons were born in a thankfully easy birth, we stayed in our country until I was 18 before he got a job in Canada, something we have been after since our marriage. He’s a doctor and a really good one.
We left our family and moved here. And we were finally free. And neither of us wants to go back. Me for obvious reasons, and him because he’s 5th of 11 siblings and his entire family is horrible like my parents. He offered me a divorce if I wanted, so I could have a new life. But I have no education, so I can not work and I have 2 sons that need their father so even though I didn’t love him, I stayed and told him as much. We became more like friends, and our marriage only existed on paper, but he was never bad to me. He gave me money to spend and would buy me things, and I would cook him his favorite food and keep the house nice for him, and do all the chores. Our children never knew that their parents didn’t love each other because we were always nice to each other.
And when we got here, I asked him if I could get an education so he enrolled me in a local university to study business. I’m almost done now, so I can start working and actually do something besides go crazy in my house.
My sons started daycare after we came here so that they would learn English, and I started to get really bored so I downloaded a bunch of apps on my phone, because he bought me a brand new iPhone, and that’s how I found reddit, which I have been using to practice my casual English. I’m using a throwaway account because I don’t want my actual account to get attention because of this post.
After a few months here, he sat me down and told me that he had urges that only a woman could fill, but he didn’t want to hurt me and wouldn’t force me to do anything. He asked for my permission to have sex with other women, and I said yes. As long as he hid it from other people and our kids, I don’t care what he did. He would go out every Friday and come back happy, and I was just happy that he was satisfied. I didn’t love him, but I cared for him like I would a friend.
When COVID-19 started in mid-2020, I got very sick early. He pulled a lot of strings so I could get the best care in the hospital he worked at. I was useless for almost a month and a half, and he was amazing. He looked after my needs, kept my sons happy, and worked at the same time.
What sparked my love was something he did when I was in really bad pain. I was at home then, but I still couldn’t really do anything without getting out of breath. It was night time and he was helping me get into bed, but I was struggling for some reason and my entire body was painful. I was trying really hard not to cry and he noticed. He picked me up, sat down on the bed and laid my head on his lap. He started to stroke my hair while singing to me until I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he had fallen asleep in that position because I was sleeping on him. I didn’t want to wake him so I covered him with a blanket and hugged him until he woke up an hour later. He was so tender with me when I was sick that I fell in love, and even after I was cured, he was still so kind to me.
When I’m grumpy, he makes me coffee, when I’m sad he hugs me, and he does so many other things that show that he cares about me. When I went through a period after my sickness where I thought I was ugly, he started to tell me I was beautiful several times during the day. Something he still does. I started to work out with him last summer, and I know it seems a bit boastful, but I think I’m really attractive now. Men started to flirt with me, and even though I would never stray, he is always so protective of me. It just makes me love him more.
And he’s so good to our sons too. So patient and helpful, even though it’s not his duty. I don't remember a single conversation I had with my father where he didn't yell at me. But when my husband talks to my sons, he is so gentle and kind.
But he doesn’t love me. I was touching him a lot more, and he started to hug me before work, and after I asked, he even started to sleep in the same bed and cuddle me. He rests his head on my chest and I pet his hair until he falls asleep, and even the way he breathes on me is just perfect. I don’t know how to describe it, but I think he looks the most attractive while asleep in my arms.
Covid was the best thing that ever happened to me because I fell in love with my husband. But after the lockdown ended he started to go out every Friday again. And every time he leaves after our children go to sleep, my heart would hurt. I hate that he sleeps with other women, even though it’s my fault. And I know that he would stop if I asked, but it would be selfish of me to deny his urges when I can’t satisfy him. He even asked me after lockdown ended if I was okay with him still going out. And I wanted to say no, but I said yes and then ended up crying myself to sleep while holding his shirt that Friday night.
A few weeks ago, I followed him and watched him go out for dinner with a beautiful blonde woman. They were flirting so much, and they had sex in his car while I spied on them. We have 2 cars, and he uses that one only for his dates, so that me and my sons will never notice anything. Then they went to a cheap hotel with her for 3 hours. They were on the first floor with the window open, and I watched them do so many things, in so many positions that I felt dirty for spying. But I was also so jealous of that woman. He texted me that he was coming home, something he always does even though I’m usually asleep. I drove back home before he came out and made him a snack. He was surprised that I was awake and asked if I was waiting for him, and I asked him how it was. He was uncomfortable talking about it, but I just wanted to know more so he told me everything. Her name, that he tries to hire her at least once a month, what they do, and so much more. He calls a company and he hires a girl from them every weekend. He tries to get the blonde because she's his favorite because she never says no to anything he asks. I want him to do all those dirty things to me, but at the same time I remember how much it hurt, and I don’t want to do it.
If I tell him that I love him, I know that he would stop going out, and he won’t be as happy. And I also don’t know how to have sex because the last time I did it was when I was 16. He won’t enjoy it with me because I can’t do the things I saw the other woman do.
But watching him enjoy other women from the side because I gave him permission stabs my heart every time he goes out.
How do I tell him that I love him without hurting myself, or making him less happy?
TLDR: I fell in love with my husband, who I am in an arranged marriage with, except I hate sex and gave him permission to sleep with other women. Now I don’t know how to tell him I want him to stop.
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Edit: I am very sorry because I made a typo and we don’t have 3 cars, we have 2 cars. One is a nice minivan for my sons, and the other is a used sedan that he uses as his personal one and my sons aren’t allowed in it. We aren’t rich enough to own 3 cars or have room for 3. Our driveway is so narrow that we have to park them in a line and the sedan is almost in the road.
To those of you who think this is fake, I am happy that your life is so normal that something like this seems like a story. I would do anything to exchange with you. And thank you for complimenting my English! Reddit was very helpful.
We talked last night, and it was kind of bittersweet. I told him how I felt and showed him the post, and he got really sad. He didn’t know it hurt me that much, or that I was so attracted to him. And unfortunately, he doesn’t actually love me and is just really nice. I should have seen this coming because back home he was always really affectionate with his friends like holding hands and hugging them. Holding hands with friends is normal where we come from and isn’t a romantic gesture. He actually thought that all our physical touching was just platonic, and he never had romantic ideas. His touching made me happy, and he enjoyed touching me, so he was happy to do it. And he didn’t like seeing me sad, so that was why he started complimenting me and doing nice things. And the protectiveness is because he has seen terrible things happen to women in our country even if they are wearing proper clothes, and is worried that it would happen to me here too if he doesn’t protect me. I wear Western clothing now, and it makes him afraid that someone will try to hurt me.
But he is open to actually having a relationship with me and we are going on a date on Friday! I am so excited for it, and I’ve been smiling all day just thinking about it! He asked me to come up with a list of things I want to do, and he would do the same and when he gets home today we are going to compare them.
He said that most of you were right, and that sex with me would be different since he doesn’t feel a connection with anyone he hires, but if he falls in love with me as well it would be way better. But he doesn’t want to do it right away because we have to warm up to it, and it shouldn’t be something that is rushed. He told me not to worry if I can’t do the things they can do, and that it is the person that matters not the act itself.
Thank you all for the advice!