Submitted by Lopsided_Leek_704 t3_11o037q in relationship_advice
Edit 2: Thank you to everyone that has said something kind and constructive. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I am being emotionally abused. I’m sure many of you think it’s stupid, but I truly never saw it before.
My main concern right now is my son. I talked to him last night and explained that his dad is angry and is ignoring both of us right now, and that he (my son) did nothing wrong. I told him that even if he had done something wrong it wouldn’t excuse the ignoring. My son cried and said he was sad and worried that “something bad would happen” but he couldn’t elaborate on what. We did our normal bedtime routine which involved reading together and meditation and I laid with him until he fell asleep.
Today I took him to play mini golf and he had such a good time and told me he loved having “mommy and me days”. I feel heartbroken but I’m holding it together for him.
I start individual therapy on Tuesday and will talk to the therapist on whether or not I should bring my son.
Wednesday night I am going to take my son and visit my brother who lives 4 hours away for a couple of days. It’s his spring break and I think he’ll enjoy the mini vacay. I haven’t told my husband yet.
In the meantime I’m staying put and I’m done doing anything for my husband during that time. I’m no longer going to ask to talk, I’ve said what I have to say. I don’t know what comes next, I need to speak to a professional first. I’m cycling between sad and numb, but I’m holding myself together for my son.
————————-
Edit: While our son was at his baseball game I ran home to grab jackets and my husband was sitting on the couch on his phone. This is what happened.
Me: “SO can we talk? This is important.” SO: ignores, continues looking at his phone and does not make eye contact. Me: “Fine, I am going to say what I have to say. I feel like this is toxic behavior that I and our son do not deserve. I am committed to working on this relationship and I want to think you are committed to it as well, but we can’t do that if you won’t talk to me. I need you in to tell me how much longer this is going to go on and commit to working together to solve our issues or else I can’t keep doing this.”
He did not respond or make eye contact with me so I grabbed what I came home to grab and left.
Now I don’t know how to move forward. I already have a therapy appointment scheduled for myself for next Tuesday, but I have to contend with this weekend in the meantime. Do I pack a bag and go stay in a hotel? I don’t have family close by that I can stay with.
Do I stay at home and sleep in my sons room or just ignore my husband and sleep in our bed?
If I ask him to leave I doubt he will.
——————————-
Me (35f) and my husband (42m) have been together for 15 years, married for 13. We have a 9 year old son. I would say that we have a great relationship 90% of the time. The other 10% is making me wonder if it’s worth it.
He has always had what he calls an anger problem. When we fight he will shut down and give the silent treatment. When we first started dating he would be silent for multiple days to a week. I have told him before how much this hurts me and he has said that the reason he gets silent is to keep himself from saying something that would hurt me.
Over the years this behavior has continued, but it lasts maybe a day or two.
For the past 3-4 months he has been extra stressed at work. He has a very physically and mentally demanding job that usually keeps him out of the house from morning to 8 or 9pm from M-F. Sometimes he comes home for lunch. I also work full time, two days a week out of the office, and three days a week work from home. I’ve been doing my best to support him through this stressful time by being open to talking about work issues when he wants to, providing advice, and doing most of cooking, cleaning, and caring for our son. This has not been an issue for me and it’s a conversation we had and agreed on.
My issue is how much control he wants despite all of this. When our son shows any negative emotion or attitude he wants to immediately discipline him. I am a more gentle parent and will often talk things through with our son, but I am not opposed to consequences of behavior continues. My husband thinks that I need to “stop all the talking and consequence him the first time.” He thinks I am too easy on him, which I’m sure I sometimes am. He also thinks a fair consequence for giving attitude is a weeks grounding, which I find unreasonable. I have never disagreed with him in front of our son because I believe in presenting a United front.
The current situation resulted in us getting into a fight over our son. I ended up yelling, close to having a panic attack, and told my husband how mad I was at him. He calmly looked at me and said I should go for a walk. I responded with “seriously?” To which he replied “you can leave or I will.” I ended up leaving to cal m down and returned home 30 minutes later. When I went to speak with him he said he was “done talking.”
It was late so I ended up going to bed. The next day he came home for lunch and I went and sat next to him on the couch and asked if we could talk. He said no, that he didn’t want to speak with me and refused to even look at me. He left for work and I didn’t see him again until 9pm when our son and I got home for his baseball game. He was in bed on the phone and wouldn’t greet either of us.
I was at the gym when he left for work, so i have not seen him today (day 3) to know whether or not the silent treatment continues, but I do know our son tried to talk to him this morning and my husband didn’t say a single word to him.
I love my husband for the 90% of times that things are good, but I honestly don’t know if this is worth it. I wouldn’t be opposed to counseling, but how do I even broach the topic with this silent treatment? Do I try and talk about my own feelings even if he won’t look or respond? Do I ignore him right back?