Submitted by ThrowRA_elephant t3_11qxapc in relationship_advice
I (33f) am planning my wedding and my fiancé (35m) has wanted little to nothing to do with planning. We’ve been together for close to 8 years and this is his MO to default work to me. Things requiring his input, like the guest list, have caused arguments because I haven’t sent invites out and the wedding is a few months away, but he hasn’t given me some people’s contact information even after I’ve asked a few times in the last 3ish months and almost no one on the guest list are my invites. Even selecting a venue was such a pain, I researched and contacted at least 50 venues and narrowed it down to two and he made such a fuss when I asked him to meet with both to help us make the final decision as a team, like I was inconveniencing him.
He’s not talking to me right now because we had an argument about where and when hair and makeup for the bridal party would happen. I had spent a month connecting with hair and makeup professionals to find the right ones for me and work out a timeline that fits in the schedule for the big day. His family called and said we really need to speed up our planning which caused him to accuse me of being too slow and specifically said I need to book hair and makeup. I told him I already had but instead of saying “ok” and moving on he argued with me and said I didn’t do it the right way and I picked the wrong start time and location. I tried assuring him that I knew what I was doing but he then said Ive never planned something successfully and he was just having a civil conversation and I was being defensive and he walked away and hasn’t spoken to me since (few days).
He wanted the wedding, I would rather pay a judge without any celebration, so his behaviour makes me feel terrible and like he doesn’t trust me or hear me when I tell him he’s causing unnecessary roadblocks to planning, or wanting to dictate how it’s planned after-the-fact even though I’ve been asking his opinion on everything at ever step. He only takes warnings or expressions of concern when someone else brings it up. If I bring up my feelings they’re dismissed as me being immature or too sensitive.
Anyway, I’ve paused further planning because this doesn’t make me feel confident in the wedding but hoping for any advice. Please be kind, this is my version of events and he isn’t on Reddit to defend his side. Thanks in advance.
TLDR: I’ve been solo planning my wedding and my fiancé has made me feel like I’m incompetent and I’ve paused the wedding planning but don’t know where to go from here.
UPDATE:
Thanks everyone who has commented and shared their perspective or advice. I’m seeing three trends in the responses:
- “Why would you want to be with / marry this guy?”
- Drop him now, thank me later
- Seek out couples counseling to confirm if there is anything to salvage before making a decision
To the first point - hard to articulate. He has had my back in situations when no one else (not even family) would. I do love him, but I come from a trauma-filled upbringing and rationally acknowledge that I could be falling into that same cycle (which I will speak to a professional about). He sees a therapist regularly.
Second point - definitely an option, and appreciate everyone’s candor. I’m not one to be quick to pull a trigger so to speak, but I am taking time to weigh my options and really sit with the negatives, which leads me to…
Third point - this eases my mind and could be critical in the healing process if/when this does fall apart. I will start with individual for myself to process before potentially approaching him about couple’s counseling.
Regarding his family: they are very supportive and treat me well. I don’t believe they are pushing him to get married or trying to meddle / have bad intentions.
To those wanting a general update, he’s still not talking to me and is sleeping in a separate room. However if I text him (needed to for something urgent) he responds.
Genuinely, thank you all for your advice. ❤️