Submitted by heynoswearing t3_11rhsr7 in relationship_advice
My (30) sister (40) is estranged from the family. She's a pathological liar and we've watched her abuse my mum and a string of men over the years before we cut contact about 7 years ago. Her ex husband from that time, Phil, was a really nice guy and after their breakup he stayed in contact and became close with my mum as they're both Portuguese and he didn't have many friends here. He would come over to fix stuff, have a tea, or walk the dog. He says he has PTSD from the relationship and I believe it. He's come over sobbing many times and ive consoled him and supported him in general.
Last December about $1500 was stolen from our house (my partner and I both earn some cash with our side hustles). I got a security camera facing the entrance to the house. The other day I get an alert and I see Phil coming over. He had asked me a year ago if he could come walk the dog sometimes and I agreed. He should be able to come in the gate and grab the dog without entering the house. I see him on camera greeting the dog, then he starts rummaging through my stuff in the outdoor seating area (I'd left a bag and some stuff on a table). Ok, maybe he left something here. He goes inside for 4 minutes then leaves without the dog.
I decided to go back through the footage as we've noticed more money missing (smaller amounts as that 1500 took a while to save up) as well as some valium I'd just refilled. I have footage of him coming over 5 times from January to March 13. Each time he comes over he calls out to check I'm not home, disappears inside for about 4 minutes, then leaves without the dog.
Without showing you the footage, I can say this is like 99% proof he's the thief. We combed through everything and nobody else's comes over. We don't have cameras inside so no actual footage of stealing happening but....
What the hell do I do? I'm planning to confront him this afternoon but I don't know the best way to do it. He's massively built (ex bouncer) with anger issues in the past, extreme depression right now, and can be aggressive. That said, he's always been the most perfect gentleman to my family and his angrier side may just be in the past.
I'm pretty fucked up by this, not to mention a few thousand dollars down.
Any advice? He's coming over in about 8 hours. I don't want to involve police unless as an extreme last resort.
[OH MY GOD UPDATE] I'm full of adrenaline right now. He was meant to come over but fell asleep as he works late. He messaged to apologise and said he'd see me tomorrow instead. I talked to my partner and a friend and thought about what was said in this thread and decided to send him a message instead of meeting in person. Heres our chat:
Me:
Hey Phil,
I've discovered something pretty upsetting that we need to talk about. I want to say that I really love you and I think very highly of you and really love that we've supported each other through the years. I'm saying this now because I want to clear the air, make things right, and get back to being good friends.
Since last year I have noticed lots of money and valium going missing from my house. At least $1500. Me and [partner] were very stressed out and didn't feel safe knowing people were coming into our home. We suspected my friends and investigated for a long time. It was really stressful and hurtful thinking someone I knew would steal from me when I didn't know who. I felt very betrayed.
I noticed you came over the other day when the outside camera sent me an alert. I saw that you looked through my things and then left.
I felt weird about it and looked back through more footage over the last few months. I noticed that many times you came over when I was out, went into the house, and then left without the dog.
I kept track of when money was going missing and when I compared it to the footage it was always after you had visited. The cameras don't show anyone else entering the house over the entire time I've had them.
I know you've been really struggling lately and my heart goes out to you. I want to support you and be there for you. I can forgive this and move on. It can stay between us and we can forget about it.
For that to happen though i would need my money back and to make a rule that you can only come over after we have discussed it.
I'm sorry this is happening and I hope we can talk about it and figure out what's going on and how to make it better. I hope we can just work through this and go back to normal.
[Phil thumbs up the post and is silent for 10 minutes. Incredible power move.]
Phil: To be honest with you I'm feel very sad and upset but I didn't took any money or medication from you I make good money and im not struggling but if you want to talk about it it's ok but like I said I don't stole anything , and I've been there looking for your place you have your things etc and I never touch it. I love you HeyNoSwearing that's why I'm upset about you think I did something like that. Like I said if I was to need money the bank give me loan I don't need to fuck my own name with something so stupid like that
Me: As an example this is on Monday after you know I would have left for work. My car was gone. as an example this is on a monday after id have to have left for work. my car was gone.
[I post a video from March 13th showing him coming over, looking through my things in the outdoor area, going inside for 4 minutes, leaving without the dog]
Phil: Yes I took a lighter thats all
Me: I have a lot of video. Have a think about what you want to do. I just want to get some money back and an apology, and then I can move on. It's pretty confusing to me, but I want to keep you as a brother.
Phil: Me too, but I didn't take any money seriously :(
You: Why do you come over when you know I'm not home, go inside the house, and don't take the dog?
Phil: The leash wasn't there. That's why. You don't trust me.
You: I think you'd have messaged me to ask about the leash after the 4th or 5th time. On February 9th, you come over, and the leash is on the outside couch, but you leave it and leave without the dog.
[I post a video of him standing next to the couch, the leash in plain sight. Walking in you literally could not miss it. He goes inside, 3 minutes, leaves without dog.]
You: The leash is also on the couch on this video (warning: this was incredibly satisfying for me when I reviewed the footage)
[I post the March 13th video again. His hand is in my bag, the leash is precisely 2 inches from my bag. I take a screenshot of his hand so close to it that in the grainy footage you can’t even see a gap]
Phil: Ok, my apologies about it, but what upset me is the fact you think I took money from you, I'm an honest man. I never would do something like that. I'm really upset. I understand your side as well. I have some money at my place as well, that's why I have spy camera. This makes me feel very uncomfortable, and we need to talk in person cause this is so stupid. I'm not like your sister. She was stealing our clients. That's why she lost the clients when I left her.
You: It's hurtful, but I know you're a good guy. We can talk on here until we figure out what we're gonna do. Like I said, I hope we can just work this out and put it behind us.
Phil: Me too.