Submitted by Massivvvv t3_11rt7v9 in relationship_advice
Hello, this might be a bit long, so I apologise for that. And for this reason I really, and I mean really appreciate anyone who reads this. Thank you.
She is my first girlfriend and first sexual partner. I am her first as well. We had a great relationship. We traveled a lot together, had a lot of fun together. And of course we had our downs too. But nothing serious, we always got through it. I felt like our relationship was strong and our mutual trust was incredible. That all changed when I learned that she cheated.
For some context, she goes to a local disco every now and then. I never go there with her, because I don't like discos. I always trusted her, because I knew she would never do anything stupid, she just isnt this kind of girl (at least so I thought). Exactly one year ago she started hanging out with a guy I know there. He's a bit of an asshole but I didn't really care. They started texting, then started texting on Snapchat which I found extremely suspicious but she just kept saying it was completely innocent and he was just a friend. I kept telling her it's suspicious and he's a dic* but she just kept insisting he's OK and he's just a friend. Then they argued a lot for some reason and stopped talking completely. She told me he said some stupid things and that he's a dic* (wow no sh*t). So I was satisfied and didn't care about it any further.
Time forward to yesterday, I randomly remembered this happened and wondered what exactly happened between them. So I just grabbed her phone and checked (we do this normally, we didn't hide anything from each other, so it was normal to just grab the others phone and do whatever). What I saw shook me to my core. I saw a message from her saying something along the lines that they just went somewhere, hid and fuc*ed quickly so no one would see them and then he didn't want to talk to her anymore, basically he just had her for sex. From the context it was obvious this happened multiple times. I started incredibly shaking and my heartbeat went up like crazy. I felt sick. I never felt so sick. And I still do.
I told her and she cried about it. Said she regretted it incredibly and that she didn't want to tell me, because she was afraid of hurting me and losing me. That she loves me and stuff like that. I do admit that at the time of this incident a year ago, we did have a bit of a bad time in our relationship. But I felt like we got through it. She said that she lacked the sexual desire and wanted to feel what it's like to have sex with someone else, since I was her only one. She even told me at the time that she wanted to try it with someone else. I told her that I'm sorry but I wouldn't accept that. And still she did it.
What's funny is that she is quite low libido, and we didn't have nearly as much sex as I'd like. For example, we didn't have sex for 3 month once. And there definitely was enough of desire (at least from my side). And then she f*cks this guy multiple times.
Now she texted me how sorry she is and how horrible it feels that she did this. Because she said multiple times that she would never cheat and that she doesn't understand how anyone could cheat in a relationship. Well there you go. She completely betrayed my trust. I feel like she stabbed me in the back. I feel depressed. Horrible. She wants to get back together and she said that after this she would never ever do it again because it just wasn't worth it. She said she can't be without me and that she really does not want to lose me.
And honestly I don't want to lose her either. We've known each other since we were 7. Basically all our lives. We spend almost every day together. We do everything together. We love each other. After 5 years of relationship I really felt like we were going to spend the future together. We are almost perfect for each other. Except for our sex, but I wanted to work on that. I really don't know what to do now.
Does she deserve another chance? She does seem to genuinely regret it. But I'm afraid that if she did it once, she might do it again. Plus our trust will never be the same of course.
Thank you so much if you read all the way here. I am very grateful. I needed to get this off my chest.
Update: Thank you everyone for your messages. I really needed this. You are all great, honestly. I'll talk about it with her and tell her in depth how I feel and why I want to break up. I'll keep you all updated. Once again, thank you so much.
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UPDATE #2: I texted her (since I left her home immediately) and told her that I will not get back with her, ever. That she betrayed me and I even explained everything. My feelings, thoughts etc. She takes full responsibility and blame for everything. She acknowledged her mistakes and said she genuinely feels sick of herself. And that she will never forget this, never forgive herself and that with me, a piece of herself will be missing. She said she would take it all back if she could.
She confessed to sleeping with said douchebag three times. After that it ended. I asked if she would've continued had he not ended it. And she said she doesn't know. In my mind that is an obvious yes. That one hurt.
Her only wish is for us not to be cut off completely. Not stay together, just not be cut off completely. I really don't know about that. I must confess that I do feel sorry for her. Yes, I know. I'm weak. I'm a weakling. I told her I'm not sure if I want to keep her in my life at all. She said she will respect my decision and will understand. I am at peace with the fact we broke up and will never be together.
I must once again thank you all amazing people for your opinions and your help. You were most helpful and seriously helped me get it done. I still have think about the cutting off thing.
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UPDATE #3: There was a lot of familial affection. I loved her family and her family loved me. They even said they see me as part of the family. Same for her and my family pretty much. Also, her brother is my best friend. It's really messy and that's why I don't want to cut her off completely. I would effectively cut off her family as well.