Submitted by ThrowRA270323 t3_123jvdx in relationship_advice
Before going forward, yes I know that looking at a phone is an invasion of privacy, but I knew something was / is wrong and this is the only way to get some insights into it as she refused to talk.
[Background] We've been together 7 years, met as house-mates in a house-share and us getting together was the catalyst for her breaking up with her ex. They'd been together about 5 years, but had never lived together. In her own words at the time, the breakup was a long time coming and would have happened anyway, I just gave her the push to do it. We have lived together since the start.
Initially our relationship was great in all regards. However a few years ago I became concerned that there was an issue. Our sex life had significantly slowed and there seemed to be less affection from her, a few other things I won't go into here...
This never really improved, and around 2 years ago I looked at her phone, specifically messages between her and her best friend. From this I learned that:
- The Ex had recently got married and had a kid, (she knew this because her mum & sister live very close by to the ex's mums house and so still speak).
- She has sexual dreams about him "at least twice a week".
- The main reason for her working out was so that she could see him and "look like she used to". (At the time we were following a YouTube exercise plan together to get in shape as we'd both put on some weight).
I tried to have some 'open and honest' relationship conversations with her where I said I suspected she was interested in someone else and this explained the changes in our relationship - she denied it and insisted there was absolutely no one else that she was interested in or thinking about. I couldn't really do anything else at this point so just left it and hoped it was just related to the news about him having a child.
I have tried not to think about it since, but the issues are still present.
Today I just looked again at her messages.
She is still thinking about the ex. Her sister told her that:
- "his marriage isn't going well", asked how she felt about that, she responded:
- "I'm happy about because it means there's still a chance for us".
What do I do at this point? This obviously isn't a passing thing - she's been holding onto this for a long time, and is thinking about him both sexually and from a 'if his marriage breaks up I want to get back together'. AFAIK she hasn't actually contacted him, but is regularly thinking / fantasising about him and I suspect this is a big factor on the changes in our relationship.