Submitted by yourewine t3_123u7jv in relationship_advice
2 and a half years together, married a year. So my husband started this self-improvement-journey about a year ago. He works out a lot more, goes on runs, does interval fasting and also reads books to improve his mindset. I really love that he seems more comfortable in his own skin and how proud he is with his accomplishments. I'm proud of him too.
Now here's the thing: he absolutely loves sharing what he learns and his new strategies with me in long, complicated monologues 'into space' - not looking at me, not engaging me in any way, just talking. No questions, no invitation for me to join the conversation.
I have two problems with this: after years and years of trying different diets, being unhappy in my body, counting calories etc, I've finally arrived at a place where I feel okay with doing yoga, eating intuitively and accepting myself the way I am. Listening to all his exercise and dieting talk started made me feel very insecure again and self-doubting and fat (I'm not). So I asked him to please limit all the exercise talk, because it is making me feel really bad. Of course he can still share his successes and I will enthusiastically celebrate him for it.
Also, I'm pregnant (first trimester) and especially the mornings and evenings have been very challenging, because I feel so nauseous and insanely tired then, so I've asked him to tell me those things at any other time during the day but the early morning or nights.
Yesterday, when laying in bed an hour before we usually go to sleep, he asked if he could tell me something emotional, so I said yes of course (expecting a conversation about us or love etc) He goes on this long monologue about a book on psychology he just read and eventually realised that I wasn't really paying attention anymore. I said I was expecting something very different and that I'm really tired.
He said that it's all really hard for him with 'all my expectations', because I limit the time where he can monologue to me and also the topic.
I feel like I'm setting healthy boundaries (which I've had problems with in the past) and I feel like he could be a little more considerate, especially with my problems.
So how can we find some common ground here?
Tldr: my husband loves monologuing and I can't always listen - pregnancy tired and triggering topics
UPDATE: First of all: Thank you all so much for taking the time to read all of this and answer. I've never posted much before and I've gotten so many clever, creative, sensitive and sometimes funny ideas on how to deal with this. This is what I learned:
- I'm going to assume his very best intentions, because I'd want that for myself too. So he's just really really excited to tell me about things he cares about and feels a little sad, when I don't have the space for that. I can relate to that.
- apart from this, our relationship is great - we're gentle, loving and goofy with each other and that's how I'd approach this
- also, I am allowed and even need to be firm on my boundaries
- I've started to read a bit about autism and to me it looks like there is a possibility that he might be on the spectrum. But I'm no psychiatrist of course. I'll read more.
So I sat him down and asked him if he was okay to talk with me about the issue again and he agreed. When I said that his framing my boundaries as 'all my expectations' was alarming to me, he instantly apologised and said that he supports me and wants to respect my boundaries. We also realised that a huge part of it was a misunderstanding: he thought that by asking first, he respected my boundaries because I really could have said no. He then got a little frustrated because he didn't get it right. In the future, I'll ask him to be more specific about what his topic is going to be if I'm not sure. We also managed to steer the whole conversation into a more light-hearted direction and he chuckled about me calling his monologues lectures, because he could relate to that. I'm really optimistic.
Lastly: No, he is not a self-centred, obnoxious or even narcissistic person (and neither am I). We are in an otherwise happy and loving relationship and every day, we choose each other. We both went through difficult childhoods, had been to therapy before and we're both in therapy again now, because we want the best for our baby. We're also both really excited about the baby and there's no doubt in my mind that he's going to be an exceptional father. I came here for one very specific topic I needed help with navigating, because it doesn't always come natural to us. I am so so grateful for that. But also no, I'm absolutely not going to even think about divorcing him for that. That being said, I can see us going to couples therapy and so can he. But for now, we'll try to figure this out together.
Tldr: found some helpful tips here, had a good conversation with my husband, not going to divorce him