Boyfriend of 6 years has no goals and I’m feeling exhausted

Submitted by Blooop1364 t3_yiiluc in relationship_advice

Background: Me (23f) and my boyfriend (24m) have been in a relationship for 6 years. We’ve lived together for 4 years and have 2 dogs. I currently hold two jobs (full wfh and another part time), while avidly studying for a degree in the health field. He works about 35 hours a week as a retail associate at a marijuana dispensary.

Situation: I am extremely goal driven and my partner seems to lack that entirely. Having been together for 6 years now, I would like to start thinking about marriage and moving into a better living situation shortly. However, my boyfriend disregards this currently because he won’t propose until we are better situated in life. This really hurts to hear because I’m ready and have been working towards my future, while he isn’t even close. I also wouldn’t marry him at this point in time because I don’t know if his ambitions will ever truly change, but I can’t keep waiting, right? I have been begging him for over 3 years now to start thinking about real career options and possibly looking into trades or degrees, but he always seems to start and never finish the process. It almost feels as if he’s doing it to convince me to stay and never follows through. My dad has even went as far to offering him a position at his company to start and build a career, which my boyfriend refused. I have also sat down and mapped out the process for what he can do and have offered any help he may need, and still nothing. I feel like a mother to him sometimes, and a broken record. Whenever I bring it up now I get, “I’ll never be enough for you” or “I’m trying”, angrily. I’m constantly tip toeing around the topic.

I have broken up with him twice over this in the past, but I’ve never been strong enough to stick with it because I do love him and he certainly has a way with words/promises. He does struggle with depression but I pushed him to try therapy which he did once, got medicated, and never took them or went back. He is quite introverted and likes to sit at home and smoke weed. It’s hard for him to make friends because not many people/his friends want to do that all the time. I try telling him to go out and try new things with his friends but he never makes the effort. This along with small things such as begging for haircuts, me always driving, and more is making me lose attraction to him. This is turning me into a very distant girlfriend which I absolutely hate. The good is that he is the sweetest and most selfless person ever. I have never questioned his love for me. He always cooks for us, cleans when things get stressed on my end, and makes me feel very loved. I also have never worried about if he has eyes for anyone else, he makes me feel very confident and loved which I fear I’ll never find again. We also are so comfy with each other which is beautiful. He also does contribute to bills fairly equally, I do a bit more but we also have a very good living opportunity right now which is about to be gone. This is also why I have been so adamant about the future.

I’m just at the point where I don’t know whether to let it go for good. I’m worried that my boyfriend is holding me back from meeting my husband and what I really need from someone. I fear he will never get goals and lately it seems like he’s a shell of a person. Does it seem like I’m being taken advantage of? Am I asking for too much of him? What more can I do?

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iuiulsp wrote

Just because you’ve sunk 6 years into this relationship, don’t think you need to keep doing so.

He’s 24. If he hasn’t gotten serious about being an adult by now, you may be waiting til the end of time. Is that someone you really can see a future with?

And to be clear, I’m not saying it’s about money. I (44F) make a lot more than my partner. But my partner still has a work ethic and is fiscally responsible.

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Blooop1364 OP t1_iuivfpx wrote

Thank you, that’s something I really needed to hear. The money isn’t the problem at the end of the day, I’ve just learned from this relationship that goals and being driven is something very attractive to me and it’s a quality I believe my partner must have. Even though 6 years together is insanely hard to finally call it quits on, it may be time.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iuiw0dz wrote

You don’t have to have some nuclear level issue to end a relationship. You can just realize it’s not a good fit. You guys started dating in your teens and you’ve grown and changed and he hasn’t. That doesn’t make him a horrible human, it just means that he’s not a good fit for you anymore.

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Eleusis713 t1_iuj75e5 wrote

>I have been begging him for over 3 years now to start thinking about real career options and possibly looking into trades or degrees, but he always seems to start and never finish the process.
>
>I have also sat down and mapped out the process for what he can do and have offered any help he may need, and still nothing.

Not everyone wants a career and there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you're projecting your own ideas about life and success onto him. You could try having him write out his own life plan (you can google the term to find formalized exercises). This basically involves someone describing in so many words where they'd like to be 5 or 10 years down the line and then they describe what they would need to do to get to that point. This is a personal exercise, it's something you need to point him towards and have him do it himself. Having a clear vision like this helps to actualize your goals.

If it turns out that he's comfortable not pursuing a career, then fine, there's nothing wrong with that. If this is the case, then the onus is on you to decide whether you want to be with someone who isn't career driven (like most other people).

Also, have you considered having children? If he doesn't want to pursue a career, then he might be a good stay-at-home parent (in the future). This may be far more in-line with his own personal life plan than pursuing a career. There are many ways to define "success" in life, pursuing a career is one way among many, starting a family and caring for your children is another way.

>He does struggle with depression but I pushed him to try therapy which he did once, got medicated, and never took them or went back.

The first thing I thought of when reading your post was depression. This is the first concern on my mind, and it sounds like he may have had a bad experience with therapy in this instance. I believe this is still worth pursuing. He might want to try again with a better therapist who doesn't just label you, prescribe something, and then move on. Preferably, you want to find someone who understands the unique issues facing men today because what you're describing with your BF is common today among men his age.

>He is quite introverted and likes to sit at home and smoke weed. It’s hard for him to make friends because not many people/his friends want to do that all the time. I try telling him to go out and try new things with his friends but he never makes the effort.

Have you ever attempted to make the process of getting out and meeting people easier for him? Have done anything about this other than tell him to do go out? With introverts, you can't just tell them to go out and meet people, you sometimes have to smooth out the process for them and actually encourage them rather than demand them. You should also emphasize the benefits to him for doing this, not just point out how you personally don't like it.

Here's one idea. How about you both try a new hobby and go out to find clubs/groups about that hobby together? You can both potentially meet new people that way and it would be easier for him with you being there. Once he becomes accustomed to socializing more, he may then want to go out on his own. Again, you sometimes have to smooth out the process of socializing for people who are introverted.

>He always cooks for us, cleans when things get stressed on my end, and makes me feel very loved. I also have never worried about if he has eyes for anyone else, he makes me feel very confident and loved which I fear I’ll never find again. We also are so comfy with each other which is beautiful.
>
>I’m just at the point where I don’t know whether to let it go for good. I’m worried that my boyfriend is holding me back from meeting my husband and what I really need from someone.

Here's one thing worth thinking about. If it turns out that he's simply not a career driven person (like most other people), then are you really going to throw away this love just to find someone who's career driven? Is a career driven person really that valuable to you? A better thing to think about is why you're so hung up on finding someone who's driven to pursue the same types of success that you are. This is puzzling to me because most men wouldn't consider breaking up in the situation you're describing with the genders reversed, in fact, they'd be perfectly fine with it.

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Blooop1364 OP t1_iujq0s6 wrote

I totally understand not everyone wants a career, but he’s currently holding what he describes as unfulfilling jobs. He’s says he comfortable in it, but wants more, but knows he has no options of moving up in positions there. This where we have discussed careers to make him feel better about himself because he says he doesn’t like these jobs and feels shitty telling people what he does for work. His last job was at a gas station where he was extremely depressed, he enjoys smoking so I recommended possibly something in that department. That lead to the dispensary job (after he got fired from gas station), and he said it helped his confidence so much and he really enjoys it but wants something more fulfilling.

This doesn’t have as much to do with the financial aspect, but more so, me wanting him to not be so codependent on me as that’s not healthy either. We have discussed what we both want (better living situation, no kids, and to travel in time). If he didn’t want this life then I by no means would put that on him, it just would mean we are incompatible. But if he keeps telling me he wants the same things that I do, and I try to work on that with him in circles, what does that mean?? If we wanted children, I would totally understand that and I don’t have a problem with role reversal. We however don’t want children and just want to get through life comfortably together, but I can’t be working 3 jobs for something we both want.

To touch on the therapy, he told me he really liked therapy with him and wanted to book more appointments but hasn’t. From what I was told from my boyfriend, the therapist was so concerned about his past family trauma that he had to bend some rules to get him further help and medication (my boyfriend doesn’t have insurance). The therapist even checked in with him a couple of times due to his concern and really recommended further sessions and gave other options (including holistic if he was interested). My boyfriend acknowledges this but still thinks he can solve this without it even though I have recommended and talked about different therapy options. He just doesn’t seem to want to do anything until I get to my breaking point.

As for friends, I go to trivia night weekly with him and his friends because he doesn’t like to go alone. I also have tried recommending different things that align with our interests but he shrugs it off because he feels he’s socially awkward. His friends would constantly reach out and he wouldn’t answer them because he wanted to be at home with me, this lead to them not trying as hard. When we hang out with different people he becomes very reserved and sometimes even grumpy and he will usually ask to leave early. I constantly tell him how important friendship and social interaction is and am very sympathetic about everything.

And his loving qualities mean absolutely everything to me. I have held his hand through everything, but sometimes I feel like I personally enable him to be so codependent on me. This makes me feel like I’m the one hurting him in the long run. I cry constantly about ending things because of his other great qualities. But if he’s not motivated to get help, try for a better career when he’s expressed that he wants that, and not hang out with people regardless of how hard I try to integrate it.. what more can I do? I’m driving myself crazy but I am so in love with him that I don’t want to simply “just let things go because of a career”.

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Eleusis713 t1_iuk2lbl wrote

I think depression along with potential unresolved issues from his past is playing a big role here especially with the mention of how the therapist was fixated on past family trauma. But you can only extend so many olive branches, if he refuses to grab on and continue therapy, then I believe some hard lines need to be drawn.

Does he fully understand how this whole situation is affecting you? If not, then you should make that clear to him. If it's gotten to the point that you're considering breaking up, he needs to fully understand that. If you do break up, it shouldn't come without prior notice, he should fully understand why you're breaking up before you choose to do it.

But before that, get him to write up a life plan and emphasize the areas of his life that need improvement. Based on what you've said, he needs to go to therapy (I would prioritize this above other things), he needs to build and maintain a proper social life, and he needs to make a clear effort to pursue some type of work that he likes doing and could see himself doing into the future.

Obviously, these things don't improve overnight, but if he develops a clear plan for where he wants to be and for improving these areas, and he makes a committed and sustained effort towards that plan, then that would be huge progress.

The way this affects you and your relationship with him should be emphasized, this isn't just about him being stuck in a rut, its about the future of your relationship. I normally hate ultimatums, I think they're unfair and usually unnecessary. However, if he doesn't make a committed effort in these areas, then he needs to understand that this relationship cannot last. As harsh as it may sound, if it comes to it after trying everything else, even if it's your decision, it's not you ending the relationship, it's him (assuming he fully understands what's at stake).

As far as the life plan idea, give him some time to fully flesh out his thoughts and to research what he wants. Don't let him take too long though, you don't want him slacking with this as well. You can also probably go on YouTube and learn about how to write a life plan and what it entails. You may want to write one yourself too so you both can compare notes and see how compatible you are into the future.

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Blooop1364 OP t1_iujsf34 wrote

I also really appreciate the life plan idea, I’m going to definitely try with this

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