Blooop1364 OP t1_iujq0s6 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:09 PM

Reply to comment by Eleusis713 in Boyfriend of 6 years has no goals and I’m feeling exhausted by Blooop1364

I totally understand not everyone wants a career, but he’s currently holding what he describes as unfulfilling jobs. He’s says he comfortable in it, but wants more, but knows he has no options of moving up in positions there. This where we have discussed careers to make him feel better about himself because he says he doesn’t like these jobs and feels shitty telling people what he does for work. His last job was at a gas station where he was extremely depressed, he enjoys smoking so I recommended possibly something in that department. That lead to the dispensary job (after he got fired from gas station), and he said it helped his confidence so much and he really enjoys it but wants something more fulfilling.

This doesn’t have as much to do with the financial aspect, but more so, me wanting him to not be so codependent on me as that’s not healthy either. We have discussed what we both want (better living situation, no kids, and to travel in time). If he didn’t want this life then I by no means would put that on him, it just would mean we are incompatible. But if he keeps telling me he wants the same things that I do, and I try to work on that with him in circles, what does that mean?? If we wanted children, I would totally understand that and I don’t have a problem with role reversal. We however don’t want children and just want to get through life comfortably together, but I can’t be working 3 jobs for something we both want.

To touch on the therapy, he told me he really liked therapy with him and wanted to book more appointments but hasn’t. From what I was told from my boyfriend, the therapist was so concerned about his past family trauma that he had to bend some rules to get him further help and medication (my boyfriend doesn’t have insurance). The therapist even checked in with him a couple of times due to his concern and really recommended further sessions and gave other options (including holistic if he was interested). My boyfriend acknowledges this but still thinks he can solve this without it even though I have recommended and talked about different therapy options. He just doesn’t seem to want to do anything until I get to my breaking point.

As for friends, I go to trivia night weekly with him and his friends because he doesn’t like to go alone. I also have tried recommending different things that align with our interests but he shrugs it off because he feels he’s socially awkward. His friends would constantly reach out and he wouldn’t answer them because he wanted to be at home with me, this lead to them not trying as hard. When we hang out with different people he becomes very reserved and sometimes even grumpy and he will usually ask to leave early. I constantly tell him how important friendship and social interaction is and am very sympathetic about everything.

And his loving qualities mean absolutely everything to me. I have held his hand through everything, but sometimes I feel like I personally enable him to be so codependent on me. This makes me feel like I’m the one hurting him in the long run. I cry constantly about ending things because of his other great qualities. But if he’s not motivated to get help, try for a better career when he’s expressed that he wants that, and not hang out with people regardless of how hard I try to integrate it.. what more can I do? I’m driving myself crazy but I am so in love with him that I don’t want to simply “just let things go because of a career”.

Eleusis713 t1_iuk2lbl wrote on October 31, 2022 at 10:44 PM

I think depression along with potential unresolved issues from his past is playing a big role here especially with the mention of how the therapist was fixated on past family trauma. But you can only extend so many olive branches, if he refuses to grab on and continue therapy, then I believe some hard lines need to be drawn.

Does he fully understand how this whole situation is affecting you? If not, then you should make that clear to him. If it's gotten to the point that you're considering breaking up, he needs to fully understand that. If you do break up, it shouldn't come without prior notice, he should fully understand why you're breaking up before you choose to do it.

But before that, get him to write up a life plan and emphasize the areas of his life that need improvement. Based on what you've said, he needs to go to therapy (I would prioritize this above other things), he needs to build and maintain a proper social life, and he needs to make a clear effort to pursue some type of work that he likes doing and could see himself doing into the future.

Obviously, these things don't improve overnight, but if he develops a clear plan for where he wants to be and for improving these areas, and he makes a committed and sustained effort towards that plan, then that would be huge progress.

The way this affects you and your relationship with him should be emphasized, this isn't just about him being stuck in a rut, its about the future of your relationship. I normally hate ultimatums, I think they're unfair and usually unnecessary. However, if he doesn't make a committed effort in these areas, then he needs to understand that this relationship cannot last. As harsh as it may sound, if it comes to it after trying everything else, even if it's your decision, it's not you ending the relationship, it's him (assuming he fully understands what's at stake).

As far as the life plan idea, give him some time to fully flesh out his thoughts and to research what he wants. Don't let him take too long though, you don't want him slacking with this as well. You can also probably go on YouTube and learn about how to write a life plan and what it entails. You may want to write one yourself too so you both can compare notes and see how compatible you are into the future.