Help, is this relationship abusive?

Submitted by Logical_Ad9536 t3_yiai2i in relationship_advice

Hi there, I’m (19F) going to try and summarise as quickly as possible so it’s not too long of a read. So since the beginning with my bf (21M) it’s been very rocky, not a lot of people have liked us together and have believed I wasn’t good enough girlfriend for him, that I was “controlling” and “manipulative” but if only they knew the truth… we have had multiple arguments over him lying even over the smallest of things, in which he says is him trying to protect me supposedly as he knows the truth will hurt me. (If it’ll hurt me, why do it?) these include situations with other girls, keeping in contact with exs and then lying about doing so when I know differently, situations like that etc… but never cheating of any sorts. However, lately he has become much worse. He screams at me in my face if I say something he doesn’t like or doesn’t want to hear and says he’s sorry he’s just “stressed” and will “never do it again” but always does. He’s physically violent by throwing things, slamming doors but never towards me, until last night. I tried leaving this relationship and breaking up with him but he blocked the door while I was having a panic attack so I could not leave and was begging me to stay. When I tried unlocking the door behind him he grabbed my wrist and I believe it is sprained, he started crying saying he didn’t mean to hurt me and he just didn’t want me to leave but I just can’t get over it. Intentional or not he hurt me. As much as I love him, I can’t lie that as much happiness he has brought into my life, he has also brought a lot of sadness and my mental health has never been so worse. I have become terribly anxious and paranoid, i dissociate, I am so depressed and feel trapped. I want to leave but I also don’t as I love him and despite all the bad things he’s done, he buys me a lot of things and has been there for me when I’ve been poorly or mentally unwell. An additional thing I’ll say is his parents have bullied me a lot and caused me a lot of struggle too but he keeps pulling me through this hoping that they’ll “change their mind” but I don’t think I can keep going through all this just because he cant stand up to his parents due to the fear of losing them. He’s so scared of losing them but it feels like he’ll take out everything on me without worrying about losing me. Any opinions please? It’d be nice to get some perspectives as I feel like I’m going crazy.

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notwhoyouare26 t1_iuhnek2 wrote

That’s abuse. No it’s ands or buts. Abuse. Get out.

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[deleted] t1_iuhnrbf wrote

It only gets worse. Get. Out. Now.

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trash-breeds-trash t1_iuhork9 wrote

You already know all this is terrible. Get out before it’s too late.

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Holiday-Armadillo-34 t1_iuhubda wrote

Forget about the times he treated you well and 'bought' you this. You are in a very abusive relationship.

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Logical_Ad9536 OP t1_iuj4fwg wrote

Would you say that those times he was treating me well and spends lots of money until I forgive him in which he then reverts back to his usual self in a matter of time is emotional manipulative?

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Proof_Breadfruit_423 t1_iuho0fe wrote

Gaslighting, manipulative, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, he will end up being physically abusive if you give him the chance.

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TheGreatGildersleeve t1_iuhqfy8 wrote

Yes this is abuse. You need to talk to your parents so they can help you. This is such a dangerous situation and you will need their support. If you cannot turn to them there are resources for women in danger - please seek them out in your area. I’m really worried for you and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been though.,

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Logical_Ad9536 OP t1_iuj4to8 wrote

I’ve spoken to my mum about it but they don’t seem alarmed by it (my father behaves in a similar way to my bf when angry) but then again my mum gets the same treatment from my dad so perhaps she thinks it’s normal? My family love my boyfriend but none of his family like me which is kinda ironic. I’m waiting until he’s out at work to leave, thank you for this message ❤️

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Holiday-Armadillo-34 t1_iuhu3ur wrote

OK, This is abuse and staying with him will put you in physical danger - not that you aren't in danger right now. You need to leave him and make your boundaries very clear. He will probably threaten you when you break up but please do not give up! This dude is dangerous

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Logical_Ad9536 OP t1_iuj509z wrote

Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried breaking up with him so many times but he just won’t let me and keeps saying “I won’t let you go, ever, you belong with me”, if I try he just cries or shouts and gets on his knees. If I do manage to leave, he spams out my phone and follows me

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