Asking my husband to choose

(Update added to end of post)

My husband (49m) and I (48f) have been together for 18 years. In previous years we enjoyed a very adventurous, kinky, playful sex life that sometimes included other people. It was always consensual and fun - until 6 years ago when my son was murdered. He was 21 years old. My husband is his stepfather and had been in my son's life since he was 9 years old. While my husband grieved, of course, and still does, I truly lost it. I went into a very deep depression, I was suicidal, I was angry. I spent time in psychiatric units, I was on more medications than I can remember, antidepressants, antipsychotics, seems every month they wanted to try a different combination. They even tried ECT treatments. I only give all those details to express how bad off I was. I did not want to "play" or have sex or smile or laugh or anything. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate for longer than 2 minutes. I lost interest in everything. My husband did his best to support me, he really did. He visited me in the hospital, he told me he loved me, he cried with me, drank with me, remembered our son with me.

But he "had his needs", as they say, as HE said, and since I wasn't interested did I care if he continued with others without me. Honestly, at the time, I didn't care. One less thing to feel guilty about, you know? The "others", for us, had never been relationships beyond sex or whatever. He assured me that wouldn't change.

About 2.5 to 3 years ago there was one that stopped being casual. It's weird because she doesn't even live anywhere near us, I think they've physically seen each other like 3 times, but they talk/text several times a day, he buys her gifts, they are intimate in the ways long distance can be. He's told me that he's said I love you to her but that he isn't IN love with her.

As for me, I've been out of therapy and off of medication for about 9 months now. I am... better. I've reached some semblance of peace(? Not sure of the word to use, tbh). I have bad days, of course, the grief and pain will always be there, but I have more good days than bad. I want my life back.

My husband has never said he wanted to leave me or anything. He has always said til death do us part. Though, lately, that almost feels like I've trapped him, like he can't wait. I don't believe he and this woman haven't talked about their future together. I can't even imagine what she's getting out of this long term without some sort of pay off in the future. I have asked him and he just shrugs it off and gives some non answer.

I am not poly and I never agreed to be poly so none of this is sitting well with me. And I don't feel like we stand any chance of recovering us as long as half of him is with her. I feel like he didn't hold up his end of things by catching feelings for her and I feel hurt that he didn't 'hold space' for me to work through the grief and trauma of my son's death.

Yet, I'm afraid if I give him that ultimatum, I won't win. He won't choose me. I love him, I don't want to lose him. I feel like I either stay miserable in this relationship where now I'm not getting my needs met or I risk losing my marriage and family. I have 2 other older children, we have grandchildren, we've made a life for 18 years. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to share. I literally don't know what to do.

Edit to update: I am not very reddit savvy so I apologize if this is not the appropriate way to reply. First, I want to thank you all for the comments. I have read every one with an open mind. Some have been validating (that's always nice lol), but all have been thoughtful and eye opening and have given me lots to consider. I'll try to respond to some of it here.

There are reasons I still have hope. I do believe he loves me, still. Maybe not as much, maybe differently, but he chooses to spend his time with me. Outside of work he is home, always. He travels often for work (no, not to her or her to him, he literally rides in a helicopter offshore, it would be impossible), I take him to the airport, I pick him up from the airport, I get a copy of his travel itinerary from work. There are no meetings behind my back. Not because I need to know his every whereabouts, either. He could go visit her, or she him, anytime they wanted to. I am not his keeper. He chooses to be here.

We are not closed off or ignoring each other in any way. We sleep in the same bed, we are affectionate, we do things together (movies, dinner, projects, errands, trips, etc.) Admittedly our sex life is pretty nil but all of "this" is only part of the cause and, to be fair, he is not having sex with her either. Or anyone else. And I love him, not because we are stuck together but because I genuinely enjoy him as a person. Minus this, which is huge, I know.

I am not trying to vilify him, not at all. I fully accept that I am at fault here, too. And I understand that to some degree these are the consequences of my actions. For the record though - I was not institutionalized or "gone" for 6 years, I did not need full time care. I spent a few days to a few weeks periodically on a psych unit, and I was most definitely affected by the medications, but I was HERE, functional if not present. But i do realize now that he had to contemplate life without me, either due to my suicidality or emotional distance or my insistence that I would never be the same, and while he may not have physically left me, it was a loss that he processed anyway.

The fact is, I am not the person I used to be. To be honest, I don't even want to be that person again. I want our life back, yes, and I want him back. But he might not even like the new me. I am bolder now, particularly with him. I used to be pretty agreeable and content in my (our) bubble. I didn't care to argue or complain, life was easy and pleasant. But going through something so ugly leaves a mark. A big one. I am not so agreeable anymore.

I also accept, now, that he has made an emotional connection with this woman and right or wrong, I can't expect him to just turn off his heart (as one of you said). As painful as that is to realize and as much as I want to justify my hurt and anger and betrayal, that doesn't change the facts so there is no point in dwelling on it.

I contemplated contacting her directly. Briefly contemplated lol. Its not like we dont know about each other. But absolutely nothing good would come of it. Even if she chose to end things because I asked her to (and I honestly believe she would) it feels icky and sneaky to do it that way, and while I would get what I want - her out of the picture - that is not the same as getting him back. So that avenue is closed.

I did fire him off an email yesterday but that was a mistake. Sort of. When he is at work we are not able to communicate the way this needs to be communicated about. Certainly technology allows for it, even hundreds of miles into the Atlantic, but he needs to focus on his job. Our communication when he is offshore tends to be a few sentences here and there when he has a break and he hates when I dump something heavy on him right before leaving so that puts it all on a sour note to begin with. But... oops? At least now he's got the next 5 or 6 days to mull it over.

I also wish I had read a few more of your comments before sending it. It was a somewhat angry email and that's only going to make him defensive so that was stupid. I did feel better though! And there is no taking it back. But I might resend a more level-headed email today. Or not. Part of me thinks he doesn't deserve it, at least not when I wallow in my hurt and anger. The other part of me knows if I truly want to "win", don't cut off my nose to spite my face.

But I put it out there, finally. And I honestly do not know how it is going to end. Even if he chooses me right now, maybe the damage is irreparable already. I don't think I even realized the extent of all this, tbh. I was hyperfocused on HER. My son's death and how it changed me, his affair and how it's changed him... when I think of the whole? She becomes just a small piece of the chasm. But I firmly believe as long as she is in the picture we have no hope at all of bridging that chasm.

At any rate, making this post and reading the replies, putting it all into words and getting it out of my head has been incredibly helpful. So thanks redditors.

second edit Because the comments keep coming back to me denying the poor man sex for 6 years I feel the need to clarify the timeline. I can see how I've miscommunicated this.

I have not been denying him sex for 6 years lol. I have been grieving for 6 years, and will be for forever. Full stop. I will never be the same happy, carefree person I was. My son is dead. So if he wants that back then it's well and truly over.

I did not want to have sex in the beginning. He wanted to keep having these sex encounters in the beginning. Even after I was over the initial shock, if you've never been on antidepressants then you don't understand how it tanks your libido. So yes, I had a low libido for a very long time but I wasn't denying him. We did have sex, just infrequently. I wasn't unwilling but I was... unethusiastic. Even I know that's not attractive. This is how she entered the picture.

NOW, and for at least 2 years, neither her nor I are getting sex and while she can rationalize it as distance, the truth is he... can't. Right now. I mean, blah blah medical issues blah blah. It is not because I am denying him.

So why are they still together? It isn't for sex. He is having an affair and it isn't because of his neglected dick so you can stop with that. He is having an affair that started with his dick, which I consented to, and is continuing it with his heart, which I did not consent to.

Also, even if he never, ever recovers from this, I would not do this to him. Ever. Find someone else? Because of sex? Nope. That is shitty, period. Even with my newly returned libido I'm not trolling for replacement dick.

Damn. Now I'm just angry again. Fuck.