Submitted by throwawaydidiruinit t3_y6oswr in relationship_advice
TLDR: my self-victimizing mom embarrassed my grandpa at his own funeral and idk if I should ever speak to her again.
This is way long. Sorry. Lots on my mind.
My family recently lost my grandpa (mom’s dad) over the summer. It happened pretty quickly—he was sick for a long time but was still extremely lively and showed no signs of running out of time. Of course, that’s when these things happen.
My (21F) mom (53F) planned the entire funeral. She didn’t take anyone else’s opinion into regard, planning it around her work schedule to be in her local church despite it being in another city from where my grandpa lived. She didn’t let her mom or her sister help with anything and didn’t even tell them about the post-funeral lunch until the night before.
So, we all get to the church for the service. The plan is my mom’s priest (I don’t think he ever even met my grandpa, at least not in the last ten years) will say a eulogy, we’ll go to the cemetery for the burial, and then the aforementioned lunch. No one in the family is allowed to speak at the funeral. Just this priest. He’s going entirely off of what my mom told him.
Now, for some background about my grandpa. He was a marine and took a lot of well-earned pride in this fact. He travelled the world after retirement to help soldiers. He watched my brother (22M) and I every week when my parents had responsibilities as paramedics and bought my family groceries all the time. He was truly a wonderful, altruistic man.
You’d think my mom would share all of these things with the priest to talk about, right? A eulogy to honor a former marine and loving father, brother, and grandpa?
No. Of course not.
One thing my grandpa didn’t talk about was having bipolar disorder. It’s outdated, I know, but I think talking about it hurt his pride. Hell, I only know because I got diagnosed with it as well and he wanted to make sure I knew I wasn’t alone. This topic was to be avoided and none of us talked about it. It was Grandpa’s business.
My mom told the priest. She was in charge of my grandpa’s medical well-being, so whether he told her or not she would have known about his mental health. So this priest starts the eulogy and starts talking about how my grandpa “battled his demons of bipolar disorder” and the whole room tenses up. My grandpa’s brother had to be physically restrained from standing up. The priest looks at my mom and says, “That’s what you told me, right?” She just nods solemnly like she has no idea.
Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes of this stranger priest talking about my grandpa’s bipolar disorder (completely inaccurately and inappropriately, might I add). He didn’t say a word about his service. About his love for his family. About his sense of humor or his love of classic cars or his obsession with coca cola. We were all stunned and sat there in angry silence, and none of us were even given the chance to stand up and speak about him afterwards.
The car ride to the cemetery was largely silent with my dad, brother, and mom. I don’t remember who mentioned what had happened, but my mom defended it. My brother defended her. I don’t think my dad weighed in. I couldn’t even speak I was so mad.
The burial came and went. He actually did get a lovely military ceremony, which was nice. I cried, it was what he would’ve wanted, etc etc. The only people that came to the reception were my immediate family, my aunt and her boyfriend and son, and my brother’s girlfriend. I sat with my aunt. She asked for help taking some flowers to the car, and we both exploded to each other about the whole thing.
I’m a lot closer to my aunt than my mom. for some context, my mom is a desperate attention seeker and needs to be the number one person on everyone’s mind. She constantly put me down and used my mental/physical health struggles to make her look like this oh-so-poor mom struggling with a problem child. She used my aunt’s dyslexia growing up to make herself look better by being the “smart sister.” I could go into a lot more detail about how my mom treats me and my aunt as well as her other victimizing tendencies, but I feel like just mentioning that gets the point across.
My aunt and I agree that my mom 100% used my grandpa’s funeral. We think she was trying to make a point about how she had to take care of my grandpa as he aged because he was so cripplingly mentally ill (god he would be furious if he heard that) since she was always there for him (aka essentially took away all of his choice in his own medical care despite him arguing). It backfired tremendously since everyone is incredibly pissed at my mom, but we do think that’s the case.
My aunt has been debating not talking to her anymore and said this may be the last straw. I’ve tried to give my mom a chance afterwards in hopes that maybe embarrassing my grandpa like this taught her a lesson, but she hasn’t changed at all. I don’t know why I even bother hoping anymore. She’s never changed, so why would she now? But she’s my mom. I don’t think I could ever cut out my mom.
What do I even do about this? I know you’re only seeing one incident, but please understand that we reacted this way for a reason. This wasn’t an isolated act of my mom behaving strangely; this is a pattern that caused some major issues. I can’t stop thinking about how angry my grandpa would’ve been if he heard that eulogy. I don’t know if I should forgive and forget. I know she’ll do something similar in the future…that’s not even a question. Do I move on? Do i talk to my mom about this? Do I confront far specifically?