Submitted by squeakytoy10 t3_yew7gy in relationship_advice
Me 36(m) my wife 32(f) have been married almost (10 years) and have 3 small children. About 5 years ago my wife had an affair. I had a feeling at the time. We got married after a year of dating, she the one that proposes to me. We didn’t have a wedding or anything just got married in court. I have always asked her if she wants a wedding but she always gives me the same response “for what” she’s a really simple woman, she don’t really like going out or drinking or so I thought. Around 5 year she stared been weird hiding her phone from me been distant and she changed her password so I wouldn’t be able to check her phone deleting msgs typical unfaithful behavior and I saw all the flags. It happen for a couple weeks during the month of December. I notice that she stared putting on makeup to work and putting perfume she never has done that, she also stared working out and stared taking care of her self at the time we only had two small children.
When I talked to her about all she was doing she got defensive and said I was overreacting and she was just talking to her friends on the phone. When I asked why she changed her password she said that because she didn’t want the kids to go in her phone and she said she could. I had always access to her phone and she to mine no big deal if we used each other’s phone. One day I notice a charge for a wax place and it was weird because she never gets wax down under she takes care of her self but not like that. I had asked her to do that for me before and told me it was gross. One night she fell a sleep watching a show on her phone so I grabbed her phone I notice on Snapchat she had her old friend the AP on their, when we stared dating she told me about him we was somewhat open about our past and I had told her to cut him out her life and she agreed. So I deleted him and blocked him from her snap and I confronted her about it she said nothing and just say she won’t talk to him again. And a week or two pasted same thing she fell a sleep with her phone on and I checked it and saw she had added him again just changed his display name. I woke her up and confronted her and asked her why was she still talking to him. She said nothing so I grabbed her phone and threw it just to get a reaction from her again she said nothing.
So I stared telling her about divorce and selling our home she finally stared crying and telling me she was just talking to him and nothing else. She said she didn’t do anything with him or anyone else. She changed her password so I could check her phone whenever I wanted, and had stopped been on her phone so much. I never believed her, I been in similar situations where the affair partner won’t admit to anything unless you have proof. We worked it out from our kids. Not much long after her affair she ends up pregnant and I have always question if the child is mine she would tell me it is that their was no one else. For the past 5 years I have always wonder what she really did. She swears she did nothing. Sense I have access to her fb now it took a long time but I found out about her past turns out she used to be really physically active and would party and drink allot not long before we stared dating. And she would sleep with her AP every or every other day, but they never dated. In a conversation she had she described to a friend how she was talking to someone and her birthday party was coming up and she wanted closeness for her birthday but the guy she was talking to might not go and she was thinking about inviting her AP because she would have a good time. Her friend told her to stop sleeping with him if she wanted something serious, she responded that her AP was good but the guy she was talking to was good too. That’s just a little back story about her relationship with this guy.
We went on vacation last year her phone got ruin and she wasn’t able to log into her old Snapchat and email so she made a new one on a new phone. After a year of that happening I was able to log in her old email giving me access to her old Snapchat. So I unblocked him and soon after her sends a msg saying he wanted to get in contact but didn’t know how. I asked my friend what I should do and I told him I was going to pretend to be her see if I could find anything out. For two weeks not much just small talk only time he would be interested in a conversation if it was sexual nature. He would send pictures without a shirt, telling me thinking it was my wife to go spend the weekend with him. So I would go along, he would send videos of his privates. So one day I get my answer he slipped up and said he picked her up from worked that he loved how sneaky she was. He said he only did it once but I have my suspension. My relationship with my wife has been good before and after the affair. We got each other out of poverty and we are in allot better place then our families. We don’t really argue and for the most part our bedroom wasn’t bad but she did stop sleeping with me because she was always tired from work so we wouldn’t have allot of closeness. So I would always try to please her always try for her to finish before me, even got her toys to spice things up. Would try to take her on dates and do things with her. I cook sense I’m a chef and I clean do laundry help with the kids. Sometimes I do work allot but I do it to give her everything. She comes from a single parent home, because her dad was abusive to her mom and left them to fend for them selfs at a small age.
The confrontation, she was reading a book in our bed I lay next to her and tell her if we can talk. Our relationship at this point has been good, this has always been eating me in the inside but I’m good on suppressing my emotions. I asked her what really happen she she said why you bringing this up I thought we was pass this. I told her you was pass this not me. Again she said nothing happen typical cheater answer I know I needed proof before she admitting anything. So I bluffed told her I knew and she still denied it. I told her I knew he picked her up from work. She had a black look in her face like she got caught. But that’s all I knew, so I asked her what they do. She said nothing just talk. I told her that’s not true that I know what happen but I need to hear it from her. Lies after lies from we almost kiss but I stopped to we only made out to we almost had closeness but she stop, to we had closeness to wearing protection to where he finished. She did things for him that she didn’t do for me even if I asked her. She told me how sorry she was. She told me that she didn’t know why she did it and didn’t want to tell me what really happen because she didn’t want to loose me. I told her if you didn’t want to loose me then why do something like that she said she didn’t know. She keep crying and told me she would move out next week. This was about 2 months ago it crushed me. I couldn’t sleep or eat it was hard on my physical and mental health. I asked her to stay but it won’t be easy that I was mostly doing it for the kids and she has allot of work. During our marriage that was the only time she has ever acted like that. She’s been really good to me now and been really attentive to all my needs. I’m looking for advice on what to do. I been told to try to work it out sense it was so long ago and we have a family together, but I feel empty and I feel like their is more to the story but also I don’t.