GF keeps on giving hints that there is something about her which she will only share after marriage.

Submitted by nisary t3_z8u2wc in relationship_advice

Hy. My(M27) girlfriend (F22) are in a long distance relationship from 1 year.

  • Please consider the fact that in our culture, religion and society, it is not normal for us to have sex before marriage* it's really a big thing*

In the very start, one day suddenly she started giving hints about something bad happened to her in childhood. I got little concerned and made her as much comfortable as I could to share. But she couldn't/didn't. I tried to win her confidence in this and told her she can share anytime she wants. This thing kept coming after weeks ( she brought it up always) and I always asked her she can share if she wants and I will completely understand. Then once when we were on a date she told me about a relative tried to sexually harass her and how it is a big trauma of her. This made me super upset and I really felt bad. From then onwards whenever This thing came up, I tried to play it cool and she can talk. Before sharing she used to think I may blame her for this. How could I. I did super efforts to make her get out of this trauma and she actually believed me that it was not her fault. I thought it was over. But, again she kept on saying there are more things which she can't share. She says can't talk about them. And that she will share after marriage or never. Now this attitude keeps me on toes. That what it is. What is the story. What might have happened. I genuinely told her that whatever it is she can share, I will be supportive and I proved this by my actions as well. BUT she just can't or she don't want to. Now This last time, again this topic came up, and I asked her, if she want to share. She started blaming me that, why I am always concerned about what might have happened. She said I am doubting that she might have had sex. I said even if you have done it. I have no issue, if you want to share or not. That's past. But you keep giving hints so it's impossible for me to not think about it. She says I doubt that I question her sanity by asking. But I was genuinely concerned and wanted to be part of it. And honestly, I was curious to that why she is hiding. Now she said, if you think I have had sex, then yes, I did it and now lets break up. I said I don't want to break up on this. It's not big for me even if you did or you did not. She behaved like, she just saying this out of anger. And we need to stop talking. I am confused. I don't k ow what to do.

TL:DR; GF is blaming me for asking about her past. I was concerned because she gave hints that there is something very serious about her past. In reality, I was only trying to be supportive. She says I am doubting her sanity, and we should break up.

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pineboxwaiting t1_iydas0e wrote

It sounds like she’s the victim of sexual abuse & thinks you’ll leave her because she’s not a virgin.

Telling this horrible part of her life is painful - but she did want to tell you bc she kept bringing it up.

She probably needs psychological help, but I imagine this isn’t possible.

All you can do is keep talking to her.

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nisary OP t1_iydb3fl wrote

Yes I think the same. Whatever she have shared, we managed very well and she is happy about that. But don't want to talk about other things,

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Blueberry_Frequent t1_iyd97xp wrote

let her open up to you at her own pace, despite your curiosity and questions. what’s in her past could very well be traumatic and difficult for her to talk about which is why she got defensive. i would not question it further, it sounds like she will tell you eventually when she’s ready.

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Jeannie_13 t1_iydcsli wrote

Reading from what you have written, I find it weird that she keeps bringing up the topic in front of you every time, and if you participate in the conversation, she blames you for it. Are you guys engaged yet or something? If I were you, I would spend some more time trying to understand the person. Don't jump into marriage without knowing what their actual nature is, and if you can handle it.

As for the potential childhood trauma. I would say let nature take its course. You cross the bridge when you reach there. Sometimes people find it difficult to handle and understand what happens with them.

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nisary OP t1_iydd8dv wrote

I believe she wants to share it with me, but it is very hard for her so she reacts that way. But From some of her reactions, I get the gut feeling that she is trying to portray this trauma for some other things. Though I don't like this thought of mine, and I don't want to carry it. But I can't kill it either.

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