How important is sex in a relationship?

Submitted by DiscoJasmine t3_z90ngb in relationship_advice

I have returned to my long term partner after being separated for a while. While We were together we didn’t have much sex, nor was it any good. While we were separated, I had a passionate love affair with another person and the sex was amazing and it probably had a lot to do with how much we loved and wanted each other. Now that I have returned to my previous partner, we have kids together, I am missing the amazing and regular sex! They love me but the sex seems void of love and passion.

How important is good sex in a relationship? Can good sex carry a tumultuous relationship through its ups and downs? Can bad sex exist in a good relationship?

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Brrrr-GME-A-Coat t1_iyebz69 wrote

Every facet of a relationship is valued a different amount by each different person. Your partner could see sex as 1 of 10 things they make their relationship decisions on, and for you it could be 1 of 3, creating an imbalance in perceived importance. Love language tests help with this.

You need to decide if it's what's important to you in your relationship, of there are other avenues like opening the relationship, or if it's something you'll swallow because they check the other 8 of 9 points you have. Only you know, but even then you can't know eithout communicating and asking your partner questions - like if they think they are satisfying you or not

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JayPee626 t1_iyeb6sr wrote

That’s a good one. Usually my saying is if we can’t enjoy each other or I can’t enjoy you, it’s not gonna work out cause why would I want to feel the need to be with somebody else if we are together

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iyec9kh wrote

No one can answer that for you.

For me (44F), I left a man I loved very much because in spite of trying for several years, we just weren’t sexually compatible. At all.

Sex is important to me. I don’t want to have mediocre to bad sex. Life is too short.

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DiscoJasmine OP t1_iyegvl2 wrote

I relate to your answer. I take my hat off to you for taking the plunge. Are you happier now?

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iyehnxx wrote

Totally. It really doesn’t have to be good sex OR good relationship. Frankly, the way I grew up, I thought sex was just for the guys and we women were basically here to make sure they had a good time. I’ve had a lot of sex I didn’t really want to have and a lot of just plain bad sex too. Once I got older and realized that hey, this party is for me too? Then I was done just putting up with it.

I really wish that we taught sex Ed in the US more like some of the Scandinavian countries where pleasure is discussed. It’s not just “don’t get pregnant or get a disease” but also….this should be enjoyable.

Wish I could go back in time and tell my late teen self that message! But I’m not wasting anymore time. Happy to have a lovely partner who cares about my enjoyment too.

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Connect-Industry-702 t1_iyeeu8s wrote

This is a personal question. It’s up to you and your expectations in a relationship.

Lack of sex or bad sex is a dealbreaker for me.

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