Submitted by Exact_Resolve8147 t3_yly2du in relationship_advice
He (45m) is funny, gregarious, and we share the same values. I (35f) broke off my polyamorous engagements last year to move in with him. We’ve been dating since 2018. He is a sex and relationship therapist and I am a software engineer.
Over the course of this year, he has successfully dried up my previously sopping vulva. Little things. He has rarely initiated sex, has turned me down, has said he’s nervous about me gaining weight and looking like my (unattractive) mother, and he stopped returning my flirty texts and sexts. For instance, I sent him a nude and he left me on “Seen” until dinner that night when I said, “Did you see the pic I sent?” And he said, “Yes, didn’t I reply?” No, and I explained that it was painful, but he brushed it off. Later he told me that he’d used this as an example for a couple he was working with who had the same problem and it helped the guy understand give-and-take, but still didn’t apologize to me or come up with a plan to do better. Since then, I haven’t sent a flirty text or a nude (10 months), and I used to date 5 people who all exchanged flirty texts, including himself. It makes me sad to withdraw my feminine energy, but I need to protect myself.
To top it off, he has to win every fight. He is the type that will cut you off (says your name over and over again) but if you cut him off, it’s daggers, but if you wait too long to speak, it’s also daggers. I haven’t once walked away from a fight feeling like it was healthy, and I’ve dated a lot of people - I know how to fight fair. But can I /really/ know how to fight fair when a doctor of relationships is telling me that I’m the problem? It’s a real stick in the mud for our exchanges. I never feel him soften and try to salvage - only assert that he’s right and that I’m crazy. My ringtone on his phone is literally “Crazy.”
I feel as though I’ve withdrawn entirely from the romantic aspect of this relationship and I want to get it back because it’s very important to me, but am unsure how to make headway with a partner who is supposed to be a pro at relationships. It’s really tricky to assert my needs (he is the type to tangent on an incorrect adjective/word. Just recently I said “I was disappointed that you didn’t come home for dinner when I was expecting you to” and instead of coming up with a plan for the low-key communication problem, he turned it into a high-key problem and talked about how I shouldn’t ever use the word ‘disappointed’ because it’s “not helpful and is triggering”, so once again we were ending an argument talking about his needs.)
All advice is helpful. How do you assert your needs with a successful sex and relationship therapist who has a low sex drive, is not romantic, doesn’t believe in the 5 Love Languages, and doesn’t flirt?