Submitted by throwRA-9886 t3_yvza9p in relationship_advice
I (33F) always had difficult dating, however when I met Howard things just fell into place. He was sweet and actually listened. He wouldn't try to press me to do things I didn't want to, and he was okay with just spending a quiet day in together, so 2 years ago when I was proposed to I of course said yes. (We decided to keep our finances separate, and have a prenuptial in the event of divorce.) I loved my husband (40M) and the relationship we had but these last few months have been difficult.
At first it started relatively small with him changing the way he dresses, and switching out his cologne for something that is much cheaper. He claims he just wanted to "switch things up", but his new style seems to be emulating early 20s year olds. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't very well force it out of him, so I planned to be there when he needed me.
When he asked me to a club with him, I really wanted to say no, but I've made him tag along places he didn't enjoy, so I decided I could at least be with him while he gets it out of his system. However he seemed to think anything I'd wear was "too bland".
I put on the flashiest clothes I had, and stuffed myself in a hot dark room with loud just-out-of-college aged kids. He wanted to dance and drink, and I really tried, but I have sensory issues. When someone spilled a drink all over me, it was all too much for me, and I told my husband I'll meet him at home. He seemed disappointed, but I don't know what he expected from me.
In the following weeks he only got more fond of partying, and ended up getting fired for his lack of professionalism. He would often stay out long past when I went to sleep and come back only to stink up our bed. For obvious reasons we stopped having sex, and he tried proposing a 3-way, to "spice things up again", to say I was disgusted would be an understatement. I brought up therapy (even offering to pay), but he just stated he is no longer looking to waste his life. Since I've been sleeping in my guest room.
I knew roughly how much he had saved, and had been counting down the days till he would have to look for a job again. When his money ran out he withdrawing from his IRA. He also starting bringing up his thought on how split finances were a sign of a toxic relationship. After a while of me not suggesting what he hoped he ended up directly asking to "merging finances" (aka letting him burn through savings). When I refused he accused me of financial abuse. I even tried an ultimatum, but called me abusive for that as well.
The only advice I've gotten in person has been either: leave him or to just wait it out.
As for leaving him: He held his last job for almost 20 years then left on bad terms, he has no savings, ever decreasing retirement account, the lease on his car is almost up, he has no living family, and his friends have created distance since his mid life crisis. He doesn't even have a home, we have been staying in my condo. Leaving him, would mean leaving him broke and homeless.
As far as waiting it out: I'm already at my wits end.
So since I've tried everything I could think of, why not ask strangers on the internet advice, right?
TL;DR My 40 year old husband has been partying like a college student. He lost his job and is now out of money. If I leave him he will be homeless, and I don't know how to get him to go back to normal.