Submitted by ThrowRAWeeknightDin t3_yx8ob1 in relationship_advice
I feel like I'm losing my mind and just a failure right now so please bare with me. I will try to to make this as short and direct as possible.
We've been married 2 years, dated for 2 years. Both of us are from "traditional" families where husbands are providers and women are home makers. Difference is, my dad loved being a provider and his hated it.
Before we got married I told him that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) sounds fun for 3 years max per child but thats it, if I don't have very young children I prefer to work. I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with our first baby baby but we haven't told anyone yet since I miscarried last year and I dont want to go through that with our families again.
Ever since we lost the baby our relationship feels different. He didn't come with me to any appointments this time. He doesn't want to plan anything about the baby or picking out names, he is living life as though we don't have a child on the way. I asked him why (I let him know that if its because he's scared we'll lose this one too then I understand and I wont judge you for that) and he said its because something is wrong with ME because I've never performed any of my "wifely duties" right our entire marriage.
I asked what he's referring to and asked for specific examples and he told me that I
- don't greet him happily at the door with a kiss and hug (I WFH remotely, and I'm still working when he comes home) and always have on silk pajamas or leggings instead of lingerie slips
- don't make a good enough meal for dinner, and for dinner I should have 2 meat options and multiple sides/drinks instead of how I do it (usually one protein, two veggies, one starch and soup or cut up fruit)
- don't send him nudes/naughty photos while he's at work (we have never exchanged nude photos our entire relationship, nudes arent something I've ever even done before)
- ask him to clean too much when those are things I'm better at and he can do "house and car stuff" for "us" (I don't have a car. anymore.. I sold it a few weeks ago to have extra money for the baby), he's a car guy but he never did maintenance on my car? Only his. And we rent a condo, everything is covered with our insurance and HOA.
I told him that I work more and longer hours than him and he should be thankful I cook at all, and even learned so many new recipes JUST for him and his taste? The dinner style he means is what we both grew up on and talk about and he's made jokes about how we dont eat like that but I didnt realize that he felt that way. My mom cooked like that because she didnt have a job and my dad paid every single bill, and gave her spending money. We split 50/50..
I told him all of this and he said that that stopped mattering when I became someones wife etc. I get that I should've asked him what he expected for dinner and stuff before we got married but I didnt? I didnt think it really mattered. I didnt know he had all this issues with me and dont even know what to do.