Submitted by TA0-1 t3_z1c7x9 in relationship_advice
We've been married for almost 10 years, but together in total for nearly 15. Admittedly we have hit a bit of a rough patch lately and space was needed for both of us. This year we're in line to spend time with her family (350 miles away), so she flew there a week ahead of the holidays. Everything was fine, it wasn't an argument, we totally understood one another and enjoyed our space for a few days. We would talk throughout the days, facetime, share photos, etc., Everything was fine.
When this past weekend was getting closer she asked me what day I was coming and I said most likely Saturday. She remembered a comment I made about traffic weeks before when I suggested Monday as a possibility and said she was planning for me to come Monday. At first I didn't remember this comment, but it eventually came back to me. What bothers me was I also mentioned Saturday and Sunday, but all she hung on to was Monday. It made me feel like she wanted to be away from me as long as possible. We talked through it and I thought things were "okay" after that.
Friday comes along and she starts making comments about how it's not been enough time (it's been a week by now) and she needs a few more days. I start explaining it doesn't make sense for me to drive down after work on a weekday, only to be cooped up in a spare bedroom working remotely when I can do that from our own home. Driving 8 hours only to work, have a day of Thanksgiving, and then turn right around and come right back home just does not make sense. At that point I stated I didn't feel welcome and said I will just stay home. Rather than giving a little on her side and saying "hey, I get it. Don't wait until Monday, it makes more sense for you to drive down on Saturday or Sunday", all I got in return was "you don't need to spend the holiday alone. You can go visit your family."
Visiting my family is out of the question since it would be the exact same scenario, not to mention put me in a position to answer questions about why I'm alone.
I've explained to her that this was actually pretty hurtful. I wasn't angry, I nicely explained my position and said it really bothered me. All I've received in return is a basic "you can come" text message since I've explained it to her. No apology, no understanding, nothing. To make it worse, she keeps making a comment saying "I'm not going to beg you to come". That's fine, I don't expect you to beg me. But maybe at least make me feel wanted and welcomed. I feel like the only thing I'm getting in return is a pity invite so I'll stop bothering her about it.
So here I am, it's Monday, I'm by myself. I want to be with my wife. I want to spend the holiday with her. I've explained that I don't feel welcome. I've explained that I'm hurt. And all I get in return is "you can come" and "I never said you couldn't come." She had an opportunity to say she wanted me there but instead told me to go visit my family.
I really don't know what to do.
TLDR: Wife and I of 10 years need space before the holidays, goes to her family week in advance, extends our days apart as much as possible making me feel unwanted, suggests I go see my family instead, then says she never said I couldn't come.