Submitted by throwaway1276444 t3_z1q3hh in relationship_advice
So I wrote a post on here about a month ago how my wife had made a series of revelations in which she had said how she had always had little to no physical attraction for me from the start of our relationship. About 20 years together.
*Some of the post here as it got removed*
It had come up because I had recently brought up an old conversation of why my wife has never initiated any intimacy or never really touches me in a lustful manner, and other such issues. I never get any compliments on my appearance from her either, unless I am fishing. After some hard talks stuff came out.
These included telling me:
* She thought/thinks I was/am the least physically attractive partner she had ever dated when we first started dating. Still maintains I am her "type".
* She thinks of herself as the more attractive partner.
* She didn't like that I was hairy, but never said anything either.
* She didn't have that initial chemistry with me. (We met in a pub and spent the entire evening chatting/drinking and then had sex that same night, have been joined at the hip since then).
* She doesn't think that I am objectively attractive, "I should know this myself as I know what I look like".
* She lost more attraction to me when I put some weight on after the age of 35 (about 20 pounds). I have lost this and more since. Currently in really good shape.
* She lost some attraction after arguments. We have been together close to 20 years so arguments are inevitable. Most get resolved somewhat if it is a me issue. If the issue is on her part, then she will stonewall me until I stop talking about it.
And now the update:
Well now she is backtracking on all of this and says that these are just dark thoughts in dark times and the overwhelming feelings she has had for me through the years are of finding me attractive and very much being into me.
I then have asked her to recount happy memories she has of having these wonderful thoughts in order to counterbalance the dark ones, at which she just goes quite and throws her hands up in the air and says that she doesn't have any specifics, just an overarching feeling.
When I point out that the above dark stuff was said with specifics and detail. She again just goes quiet or repeats the dark thought in dark times mantra. Nothing more.
My problem is that this stuff has thrown me for a loop and I just can't get over it unless she puts in the hard yards and talks through memories of finding me attractive/hot, with specifics in order for me to get past this stuff, shows that she is sorry for what she said, makes a daily effort to do something that shows that she messed up and wants me/us to heal. I guess going a little above and beyond her normal self, at least to start with.
I want her to take the burden of fixing this as I am feeling too low to be able to. And if what she now says is true, she is somewhat to blame for creating this mess. I am a willing partner, and will do my part to accepts her attempts at reconciliation.
I have communicated all of this to her. Several times now. She says she will. She also says that she can't unless I create a happy atmosphere around her in order for her to do these things. Well I then create the atmosphere, by not acting like I am upset. Doing things together that we always enjoyed. Generally acting like the everything is the same as before, playing video games together, watching TV together, going to the Gym together, etc. The odd date night and I even took her on a just two of us evening away at the cabin (no kids). Generally playing happy couple.
Her response is to just start acting her old self again, enjoying the fact that things are back to normal, without doing any of the things that I communicated that I need. After a few days of this. I will start feeling down again and pull away. I am depressed and she know this.
She then acts confused and when I explain that she never did anything that we talked about, she just says she doesn't know how. Which really bothers me, because I have really communicated well what I need. She even acknowledges that she understands what I need when we are talking and promises she will try to do things.
On top of it I just can't bring myself to have to detail every last bit like a choreographer of some play. That is too much. I know it will just lessen the impact of anything she does for me.
At this point actions and words really don't match and even though I voice this problem she just says that I have to believe her words.
I would really like any advice as to how I should try to solve this? If I am being unreasonable? or maybe how I can help her to put her words into practice. I want us to work, she wants us to work. But we are struggling to move forward.
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TLDR: Wife told me that her attraction for me was never really high and I feel heartbroken and depressed. It has also dented my self esteem. She is now backtracking and trying to tell me that it isn't true. But not doing anything to mend the hurt caused or rebuild trust.