Submitted by throwra5643278 t3_z3eanv in relationship_advice
My head is at a million places right now so excuse my incoherency.
My girlfriend/fiancee/ex girlfriend(??) had been dating since she was 19 and I was 21. We've been through everything together, and basically grown up together. I've always known that when she really panics, she tends to run away from things. She used to randomly break up with me and try to dip when we were very young, but we talked it through and got better at that and she hasn't done that for years now.
Anyway, I proposed a year ago, and it was hardly a surprise. We'd been discussing marriage for years, we both knew we'd be on board to do this after she finished her MBA and got a job in my city, everything was perfect. The past year has been very hectic in planning a wedding, since we're both from another country where grand weddings are the norm and we had to fly people out etc etc. About 2-3 months ago, the nerves started to hit her and she tried to talk to me about it.
I will acknowledge my faults here. She did try to bring it up to me that she was nervous, and the whole ordeal of a grand wedding was stressing her out. Ideally she would've wanted a small destination wedding with a big party afterwards, but due to both of our families requesting a big wedding and inviting all their friends, we succumbed. She was also nervous about the commitment of marriage, finances, other things. All of this we had discussed before, but I guess she just needed reassurance. However, in hindsight, I realise now that everytime she brought it up to me before that she was anxious, I chalked it up to the normal cold feet people get and would just say it'll be fine and brushed it off. I was also stressed with a lot of work to do before I took my long leave, and planning and budgeting and all of it. We both make very good money but this wedding was going out of budget, and we didn't want to take any money from our parents. All of it got pretty stressful for both of us.
She seemed a little jittery the night before as well, I told her to calm down and just sleep. Mostly I was very very excited to make her my wife, something I have been dreaming of since the day we started dating. She's the love of my life and it was still hard to believe she was choosing to marry me. I was the happiest man alive. On the day of the wedding, she dipped. She left me a note apologising and saying she couldn't do all of this, and just ran. I don't even know where she went. All of it unfolded so quickly and it was almost like a movie, all our family members coming into my room while I was ready to walk out onto the altar, asking me where she was, etc etc. Pretty traumatic and I ended up crying in front of all my family and friends.
Our parents handled the guests and all of it while I just went home, heartbroken. She wasn't at home. I spent the entire day calling and texting her, and her phone was switched off. She walked in at night, at 10-11pm, and just kept crying and apologising. I told her to just go sleep and I need time to think about everything that happened.
Now I'm turning to reddit because i don't know what to do anymore. She has apologised multiple times and wants me back and says she's even ready to do the whole grand wedding again and she regrets having run away in a momentary lapse of judgement. She knows she wants to be with me but she just panicked and got cold feet.
I can't imagine my life without her but at the same time my trust is broken. I don't understand why she couldn't just be more of an adult and tell me properly before the wedding, although she insists she tried to. I feel disrespected and just heartbroken and embarassed that I had to go through all of that. I don't know if I can or should forgive her. What if she does this again and runs at some other important event, like she did on the most important day of my life?
Any advice or suggestions on how to proceed, if I can continue with this relationship or if I should just cut my losses and move on. thank you for reading this far
Edit for some clarifications -
Wow ok I did not expect to get these many responses on my post, and I have read through every single one of them. I appreciate all of you for taking out the time to read this and give me advice.
There are some things I realise I should clarify or elaborate on based on the comments. Why she ran - I don't think it was the marriage bit. Getting married was not going to change a lot about our relationship anyway, and I know she was just as excited about getting married as I was. I should mention that while both our parents wanted a grand wedding, mine were way more insistent on it than hers. Her parents would've been happy with whatever choice she was happy with, even a court marriage. Mine insisted on a bigger wedding as they believed if we had a small one it would make relatives and friends think we are poor, and she felt pressured to say yes because she wanted them to like her and she knows how much I love my mom and didn't want me to have to choose.
The financial bit - She makes much more money than me and she funded at least 70-80% of the wedding expenses. She offered and was happy to do so. If she hadn't offered that, my parents would have had to step in and fund it, which she wasnt comfortable with. The financial stress of it was getting to both of us, but probably more to her than me. We've discussed finances in depth, and I have financially supported her when she was doing her MBA, and both of us are comfortable with the fact that she earns a lot more now and will contribute more to our expenses. It's all hitting me now that she ended up burning so much money on a wedding she didn't want, just to make sure my parents didn't dislike her.
The history of running away - She used to break up and dip from the relationship in the initial 2-3 years of our relationship, and after working on it that time we've really managed to get over it. She hasn't suggested breaking up or wanting to run away for the past 3-4 years at least. I don't know if I'll be able to trust her because when she gets anxious she can't think about me (like she didn't in this situation and didn't consider the humiliation I had to go through) but I do trust her to not run away when we have kids or at other difficult points in life. I think. Im not really sure, it's all hard to process right now.
Thank you so much for all your advice. I will be taking a few days away from her to think about all of it and then decide on the next steps. Although yes, therapy is a starting point for both of us individually at least.