Submitted by Sad-Run-6179 t3_z5lq7a in relationship_advice
UPDATE:: For clarification: -It’s a house that is split up and down not like a standard duplex so sorry if that confused anyone -Any time I am over there it’s because HE has asked me to be. So I asked him how this conversation came to be and he said she brought it up. He said he has had conversations like this in his life with other roommates when relationships start and significant others come around often so it was nothing personal, just standard roommate conversation. Understandable. I asked him if utilities went up since I’ve been coming around he said no. I asked if he wanted me to start paying rent. He said “no that doesn’t make any sense”. He said roommate had brought it up but then later apologized and expressed she was going through an emotional moment and having a hard time. I suggested we limit the amount I spend the night and he said no. I expressed that I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and it made me uncomfortable. He said she apologized and has moments where she is like that. I asked why he brought it up to me and his response was that the conversation with his roommate made HIM and uncomfortable and he didn’t want any drama because this past week I did spend more time than usual considering it was the holiday week and we both didn’t have work. He said it didn’t make sense for him to think that way and she was in his head a bit even though she did already apologize. Anyways the conversation ended with him telling me not to worry about her or rent or anything and if anything comes up, he’ll take care of it. He then asked what I wanted from the grocery store so I can have stuff when I’m there.
I do personally plan to let this breathe for a little while. For those asking why I didn’t just have a conversation with him at first, I genuinely did not know where to start or what questions I needed to be asking and a lot of people here have helped with that. I have lived on my own so I wasn’t getting the whole roommate respect dynamic.
Of course over time as we build our lives together there will be more conversations about boundaries. I also plan to distant myself from her a bit as others have suggested.
Thanks!
Hello,
So I am still trying to process this and figure out what to do with this information and needed to talk to an unbias crowd. My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) have been dating for about a year. He has a roommate (31F) and they are best friends. Now before anyone starts, there is no jealousy here. I thought the roommate and I have gotten along pretty well. I make sure to go out of my way to be kind to her and make sure she's involved in any/all activities because my boyfriend is actually her only family. All her relatives have passed and no siblings.
So they are roommates but not in the traditional way. It's more of a duplex. Separate entrance, seperate kitchen, separate living room, separate drive way, separate porch, separate washer and dryer, separate everything. Not on the same floor. Well my boyfriend mentioned in passing that him and her had a conversation about me coming over often and at what point do i start paying rent...this kind of threw me off a little bit. I spend the night a maximum of 3nights...usually weekends. I didn't respond when he said this because i didn't quite know how to feel. But the more i thought about it it honestly hurt me because it feels a bit passive aggressive and honestly I feel there are more underlying elements. I believe roommate is emotionally dependent on my boyfriend (they met in grief group years ago) and I feel like she feels i am taking him away. Every time him and I are doing a family function, she is suddenly sick or in the emergency room.
I should've asked more questions about how that conversation even came up but i couldn't form my words right at the time because it shocked me a bit.
This is his best friend and i dont want to discredit that but I am starting to get uncomfortable and i definitely dont feel comfortable spending the night again especially if it's bothering her so much she brought it up. I don't like the whole women competing for attention thing and boyfriend having a female best friend doesn't bother me but this seems likes its turning stereotypical.
TLDR: BF's female roommate doesn't want me to come to the house so often even though it's physically impossible for us to pass each other in the house. How do i move forward with this information?